Friday, August 28, 2015

Post free flap frenzy depression....

        I'm not sure if it's a combination of exhaustion and days of sleep debt, but free flap frenzy always leave me at a low when it's finally over...We've practically been living in the OT since Sunday till Wednesday for flap OT after flap OT...I was a bit luckier as I went back earlier on Sunday as I was pre-call and on Tuesday as I was post-call...but we were up whole night on Monday and I only got home past midnight on Wednesday...by Thursday we were all ready to just go into hibernation...I think the late nights were getting to the bosses as well and us seniors were bearing the brunt...Yea, I know, it's part of the learning process to be hammered for everything you didn't do right in the bosses' eyes...but when tension is high and your nerves are frazzled and frayed, all those hammering can leave you feeling less than appreciative (or appreciated)...
        And so Thursday finally came...and I was overjoyed and felt really grateful that this crazy week has come to an end...and yet there I was, feeling low and depressed as well...I wished I had somebody to talk to and unload the burden that's weighing me down...then I realized that I didn't have that somebody...no one whom I can run to for words of comfort...who'd just listen to my complaints with empathy and understanding...who'd remind me he'll always be there for me no matter how much turmoil and ugliness I feel within me...and that realization plunged me further into my depth of despair....coz it's really sad when you seem to be not alone but deep down you actually feel alone...
         But I really shouldn't be complaining...I may not have a physical person whom I can confide in...but I have the God of the heavens and earth who knows my anguish and despair...and He will lift my soul and help me rise again... I think I shall go repay my sleep debt now...

Friday, August 21, 2015

Poisoned again....

I've been a little lacking in the motivation and inspiration department lately... I know I should be studying like mad for my 2nd attempt of finals but I just feel so unmotivated... not to mention tired... the free flap frenzy has barely begun and I've only had an episode of 'all-nighter' in the OT a few days back and I felt dead already... definitely getting old... So instead, I've been watching a Taiwanese idol drama titled 'In Time With You' (or in Chinese 我可能不会爱你)... Bf doesn't think I should be watching dramas coz it will take up a lot of my time... Well, it's just a one-off thing... I hope...and this series only have 13 episodes... I've watched longer series...

So this was the first series that appeared at vikidrama when I searched... And the storyline caught my attention... seemed like something I could relate to... a pair of guy-girl best friends forever since high school... each one is always in a relationship when the other isn't... neither approved of each others' tastes in partner selection... And so, after 15 years of friendship, they were both at the marriageable age of 30... also the beginning of 'aging'... so the girl went through a list of men in her life that may be spouse material...but they were either men incapable of being loyal, or gay...and the only man who really understood her was her best friend... but then her best friend had told her early in their friendship that "he would never possibly fall in love with her"...except that he was actually totally in love with her but had tried very hard not to fall in love with her...why would a guy be so stupid as to not want to confess his love to a girl he is totally in love with yea? But there were lines from the drama which went like these: 拥有是失去的开始...友情会比爱情更长久... which I can actually relate to...

There was a guy back in high school whom I literally fell in love at first sight with... unfortunately the feeling was not reciprocal...so we were just friends....and then we became buddies for life...he would consult me for girl problems, and i would complain to him about the lack of male love interests in my life... But I suppose I'm more fortunate than the male lead in that I've managed to fall out of love with my guy bff... and when he got married, I didn't even have to watch a rerun of "My Best Friend's Wedding" and cry myself to sleep... We're both busy with our own lives now... We still keep in touch with each other... but not like how we used to... but I know we can still count on each other when we need each other...

Then there was another guy whom I hung with and considered a bff... we hung out for quite a few years... I never thought I would develop any romantic feelings for him as I was in a relationship with someone else...and so was he... but eventually I was thinking about him a lot... and I thought that I might have some romantic feelings for him after all... and i thought that maybe he should know how i felt... so I found the courage to confess my feelings and made a total fool out of myself... as it turned out, he only treated me like his sister all the while... so i moved on... and now we have fallen out of touch... all because i made the mistake of confessing my stupid feelings... so yea, that's why I can understand why the male lead never dared to reveal his feelings for his best friend...coz in case the feeling wasn't mutual, he would lose her forever...

Anyhow, the series had a happy ending as expected... through a series of events which included an ex-gf of the male lead telling the female lead that the male lead was totally in love with her...the female lead's cheating ex-bf coming back into her life and wanting to marry her... the male lead leaving the country to nurse his broken heart...but eventually the female lead realized that the man she really loved was her best friend... and the guy-girl bff eventually got married... I've always thought the notion of marrying one's best friend a romantic one... there may not be the high of "falling in love" and courtship and dates... but those things don't guarantee a permanent marriage... or a happy one... I know i'm guilty of chasing after all that when i was younger... but i'm older now... and perhaps a little more grown up and hopefully wiser now... somehow i don't think i'm capable of handling the emotional high of "falling in love" with someone anymore... anyway, there's only one thing i hope that wouldn't happen after watching this series... it's that no guy whom i used to harbour feelings for would suddenly decide he wants to confess his love for me just when i'm about to get married and prepare for my happily ever after... i'd definitely punch him in the face...