Friday, August 28, 2015

Post free flap frenzy depression....

        I'm not sure if it's a combination of exhaustion and days of sleep debt, but free flap frenzy always leave me at a low when it's finally over...We've practically been living in the OT since Sunday till Wednesday for flap OT after flap OT...I was a bit luckier as I went back earlier on Sunday as I was pre-call and on Tuesday as I was post-call...but we were up whole night on Monday and I only got home past midnight on Wednesday...by Thursday we were all ready to just go into hibernation...I think the late nights were getting to the bosses as well and us seniors were bearing the brunt...Yea, I know, it's part of the learning process to be hammered for everything you didn't do right in the bosses' eyes...but when tension is high and your nerves are frazzled and frayed, all those hammering can leave you feeling less than appreciative (or appreciated)...
        And so Thursday finally came...and I was overjoyed and felt really grateful that this crazy week has come to an end...and yet there I was, feeling low and depressed as well...I wished I had somebody to talk to and unload the burden that's weighing me down...then I realized that I didn't have that somebody...no one whom I can run to for words of comfort...who'd just listen to my complaints with empathy and understanding...who'd remind me he'll always be there for me no matter how much turmoil and ugliness I feel within me...and that realization plunged me further into my depth of despair....coz it's really sad when you seem to be not alone but deep down you actually feel alone...
         But I really shouldn't be complaining...I may not have a physical person whom I can confide in...but I have the God of the heavens and earth who knows my anguish and despair...and He will lift my soul and help me rise again... I think I shall go repay my sleep debt now...

Friday, August 21, 2015

Poisoned again....

I've been a little lacking in the motivation and inspiration department lately... I know I should be studying like mad for my 2nd attempt of finals but I just feel so unmotivated... not to mention tired... the free flap frenzy has barely begun and I've only had an episode of 'all-nighter' in the OT a few days back and I felt dead already... definitely getting old... So instead, I've been watching a Taiwanese idol drama titled 'In Time With You' (or in Chinese 我可能不会爱你)... Bf doesn't think I should be watching dramas coz it will take up a lot of my time... Well, it's just a one-off thing... I hope...and this series only have 13 episodes... I've watched longer series...

So this was the first series that appeared at vikidrama when I searched... And the storyline caught my attention... seemed like something I could relate to... a pair of guy-girl best friends forever since high school... each one is always in a relationship when the other isn't... neither approved of each others' tastes in partner selection... And so, after 15 years of friendship, they were both at the marriageable age of 30... also the beginning of 'aging'... so the girl went through a list of men in her life that may be spouse material...but they were either men incapable of being loyal, or gay...and the only man who really understood her was her best friend... but then her best friend had told her early in their friendship that "he would never possibly fall in love with her"...except that he was actually totally in love with her but had tried very hard not to fall in love with her...why would a guy be so stupid as to not want to confess his love to a girl he is totally in love with yea? But there were lines from the drama which went like these: 拥有是失去的开始...友情会比爱情更长久... which I can actually relate to...

There was a guy back in high school whom I literally fell in love at first sight with... unfortunately the feeling was not reciprocal...so we were just friends....and then we became buddies for life...he would consult me for girl problems, and i would complain to him about the lack of male love interests in my life... But I suppose I'm more fortunate than the male lead in that I've managed to fall out of love with my guy bff... and when he got married, I didn't even have to watch a rerun of "My Best Friend's Wedding" and cry myself to sleep... We're both busy with our own lives now... We still keep in touch with each other... but not like how we used to... but I know we can still count on each other when we need each other...

Then there was another guy whom I hung with and considered a bff... we hung out for quite a few years... I never thought I would develop any romantic feelings for him as I was in a relationship with someone else...and so was he... but eventually I was thinking about him a lot... and I thought that I might have some romantic feelings for him after all... and i thought that maybe he should know how i felt... so I found the courage to confess my feelings and made a total fool out of myself... as it turned out, he only treated me like his sister all the while... so i moved on... and now we have fallen out of touch... all because i made the mistake of confessing my stupid feelings... so yea, that's why I can understand why the male lead never dared to reveal his feelings for his best friend...coz in case the feeling wasn't mutual, he would lose her forever...

Anyhow, the series had a happy ending as expected... through a series of events which included an ex-gf of the male lead telling the female lead that the male lead was totally in love with her...the female lead's cheating ex-bf coming back into her life and wanting to marry her... the male lead leaving the country to nurse his broken heart...but eventually the female lead realized that the man she really loved was her best friend... and the guy-girl bff eventually got married... I've always thought the notion of marrying one's best friend a romantic one... there may not be the high of "falling in love" and courtship and dates... but those things don't guarantee a permanent marriage... or a happy one... I know i'm guilty of chasing after all that when i was younger... but i'm older now... and perhaps a little more grown up and hopefully wiser now... somehow i don't think i'm capable of handling the emotional high of "falling in love" with someone anymore... anyway, there's only one thing i hope that wouldn't happen after watching this series... it's that no guy whom i used to harbour feelings for would suddenly decide he wants to confess his love for me just when i'm about to get married and prepare for my happily ever after... i'd definitely punch him in the face...

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Another 6 months...

So I did not pass my finals...and so although I'm still a Miss, but I'm not a Ms yet...it's not a big deal really, many ppl do not pass their finals on the 1st attempt...I wouldn't be the first person anyway...nevertheless, it's still a massive blow to me...as one of my uni mate commented, it's more difficult for me as I've never failed before (which btw is not true as I have failed before, just not finals)...the thing is, all my life, I've always linked passing exams (especially with flying colours) to blessings by God...don't get me wrong, I put in my effort and share of hard work but I've always felt that it was God's grace, miracle and blessing that I did well in my exams...that's why not passing my finals hit me so hard...it was like God has withheld His blessing from me...the miracle that I prayed so hard for did not happen...totally shattered my confidence...

So it was decided for me by my uni bosses that I shall be doing my remedial back in uni for the next 6 months...a decision which I welcomed with arms and heart wide open...I've had enough of my time in my outcampus hospital...what initially was supposed to be a respite from my crazy work schedule in uni had become a nightmare of a workplace and eventually, my downfall...according to my uni boss, I had allowed those ppl to totally destroy my confidence...in part, it was the fault of my character weakness to have allowed them to bully me...but mostly, I hope karma will grip them like a dog gripping its bone...

So apparently I failed because I did not have the confidence to become a specialist...my uni boss consoled me by saying that my theory marks were among the highest (although i'm sure they were a far cry from the As I used to get - how the mighty has fallen)...and in fact, my total marks were higher than some of those who passed...but yea, I failed because I did not have the confidence to express my knowledge during most of my clinical sessions...and so, I have another 6 months (or so) to "find back my old self, the one who used to do well while in uni" (quoted verbatim from my uni boss)...

I'm sure there's something good that will emerge from this tragedy of my life...not sure what it will be...only God knows of His plans for me...but until I passed my finals, wedding bells will continue to be a distant dream, while my ova continue to waste away...

Sunday, April 5, 2015

擦肩而过

      So I've been neglecting my blog for a while now. Somehow I've lost the excitement of blogging about everything that happens in my life. Either that or there's nothing exciting to blog about anymore. Anyway, something happened recently that got me ruminating about fate, serendipity and destiny. Or the lack of it. I know I should be ruminating on my textbooks and journal articles now that my finals is in a month's time. But hey, a girl's gotta get something out of her system so she can concentrate on studying. So I typed this in Chinese (just for practice and perhaps the melancholic touch?). I might write an English version on this one if I ever get about doing it. Anyway, to those who read Chinese, please forgive me for any wrong words (I'm a Chinese dyslexic). And to those who don't, Mozilla firefox has an add-on to help you read Chinese. Enjoy....


擦肩而

那天,我好像看你了。但我心理想,怎么可能? 你在那么遥的地方。 但那个男生真的很像你哦。 他等着过马路,其去确定一下,却没做到。了几天,看到你的 facebook 照片, 是你的婚照。 那一刻,除了感到可惜,我都没感到难过憾。 也没掉眼泪。 感可惜,是因分就到此止。 这样也算是一种束吧。 原来那天真的是你。 老天也很幽默。 你要婚的前一天他还让擦肩而。 是老天安排我机会你最后一面。 那又怎? 如果你听到我的声音,就会复刻回忆吗? 会改未来? 我本来就没有去, 又那里会有未来。 也没听到你 "我要婚了"就不会破坏我你那些年的回吧。

说起来,我们的故事算是漫长的一部电影。 也有十八年了。 那年我十六。 第一次遇你是靠近圣诞节还记得你在台上合唱圣歌,我却只听到你的声音。 这样暗恋了你。 我不敢和你说话 只能偷偷问姐姐你的名字。

后来你来我家。 是找我姐姐。 我没失望反而很高到你第二次就是我分。 我勇敢的跟你打招呼,你却只跟我姐姐讲话 我不怪你。 你都认识我。

了几个月,我面了。 那天是在教堂。 第三次了。 这样还不算有? 那天我们终于当朋友了。认识了你另位两个朋友。四个一起走路回家。 一路走,一路。 和你一起走,好像个世界只有我两个人存在。 多希望那条路是走不完的。 那我会就不会束了。 我忘了我是否有交换电话 没差啦。 反正我也不敢打电话给你。 而你, 了那天,也没打过电话给我。

Upper Six 那年,学校搞了 Prom Night。 我最好的姐妹告我她跟你的朋友去。 我就拜托我的好姐妹你是否可以做我的伴。 到最后你没回答, 我就跟人去了。 其我多么希望陪我跳舞那晚的是你。

然后我听到消息你出国了。 我追求同一个梦想在不同的地方。 多年后,我彼此都有彼此的事 忽然有一天你加入了我在 facebook。 我很惊悉。 在网上,我的距离好像近了。 那些年的沉默已话题 后来你回国了。 是年的候。 好彼此有空,就面。 可能时间淡了我你的感 当我遇你了,我已不得你很 我心理自己,到底以前喜你什么?,你子没到。 而且性格也一什么以前的感了?是我了。大了。 但我有点感。 因还记得我多年前告诉过你的。 你得我把正个周期表都倍数了。 我自己都不得了。 可能那候我那些是因你注意我吧。我在想,我留你的印象有多深?

后来我 facebook 联络 但越来越少话题 最后, 就断了联络 只剩下每年的生日祝福。 我一直不敢你是否有了心理的另一半。看到你的 facebook 照片,好像猜到了。原来我猜了。 你娶的就是那个女人。


我真的替你高 我真的祝你新婚快,白偕老。 希望你也会祝福我。 原来子有些人的分只能擦肩而。我也把握我自己的幸福吧。

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Christians are horrible people....

            After a year plus of hiatus, starting back with a blog post carrying such a title seems to be inviting judgment, drama and controversy upon myself. I don't suppose I'm a religionist (if there is such a word) since I consider myself a Christian (although I'm not your pious, extra-friendly, bible-quoting kind...I just hope God still counts me as one of His child when I leave my temporary dwelling). Being a Christian convert, I have seen Christians from the eyes of a non-believer. Back then, my best friend was (and still is) a Christian. A good one, I must add. She was my biggest influence in my decision to accept Christ as my Saviour some 18 years ago (gosh, has it been that long? That might explain my jadedness). My 'childhood' Christian ambition was to be more and more Christ-like (isn't that every Christian's ambition?). I also made a vow that I will go to church every week (unless circumstances forbade). One which I have broken time and again.

            My early Christian life was plagued with objection and persecution from the people who claimed to be my family. When I finally left home and was free to follow Jesus, I fell into the sin trap instead. But God wouldn't let me go, so he picked me up from the dirt and cleansed me ....again, and again, and again... I've always seen myself as the 'seed' who fell among the thorns in the parable of the sower...so eager at the beginning but then the snares and temptations of the world choked me. So now I'm pretty much what the passionate Christians would label as 'luke-warm Christians'...the kind of salt which Jesus said has lost its saltiness and only fit to be spat out and trampled by the pigs. I've read the bible 4 times over and I hardly read it now. I go to church once a week now (Saturday/ Sunday) but I'm what they called the 'pew warmers' or the 'spectators'...I go to church, go through the service and sermon (more often than not, falling asleep) and go home as soon as service ends. I only have one friend who attends that church  (which has 4 services and accommodates for hundreds) and I don't bother joining a cell group. I struggle with my tithes and offerings. And I don't serve in church (at least not this current one). So yea, I'm a horrible Christian.

            At work, my colleagues and I love bitching about our bosses. But there is a colleague (let's call her P) who doesn't bitch about the bosses. In fact, P is much loved by the bosses. And oh, P happens to be a Christian too...the kind who acts so kind and friendly in front of you but always managed to get you and the other colleagues into trouble by carrying tales to the bosses...P is so pious that putting P on call on weekends thus causing P to not be able to attend church is my sin...that was why God made me rearrange the call list 6 times to suit P's needs. P is so blessed that P gets away with every stupidity and irresponsible act. Although P backstabbed another Christian colleague, P still thinks P is very kind. P reminds me of Hilary Faye in Saved! I remembered watching that show with my roommate back in uni. And I thought, Christians can be so horrible. And some Christians think they deserve the blessings and goodness that come upon them, when what we all really deserve is to be burning in hell. And sometimes I question God, why do you allow evil men to prosper? Still I don't get my answer.

           But I really should get to my point. So what exactly is my point? Christians are only humans...and humans are quite a horrible bunch (pardon me if I've offended the self-righteous lots here). We are all sick (in some sense). That's why Jesus came to heal the sick. And He said "only the sick needs the doctor". And I'm glad that I have the best doctor anyone could ever have. I've been through a lot of shit the past year. I supposed that's part of God's plan to help me grow. Though at most times, I can't see how those incidents/ people/ stuffs might help. But I still think Jesus is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. There's still a long way to go in this race. I just hope that when I reach the finish line, He will be there to tell me "you've finished well, good and faithful servant" (coz the alternative of an eternity in burning fire is too scary for me to even contemplate).

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Happy 366 Days!

To my beloved, 

I know this sounds cliche but it really doesn't feel like a year has passed since we got together...maybe coz we've been apart from each other most of the time...someone once said i lived from holidays to holidays...now i live from meeting you to meeting you again...i guess that has helped me to survive in this hell on earth...

Yea, we fight...we make up...we fight again...and make up again...but that's not going to come between us...i'm your prayer answered...if God is for us, who can be against us? ;)

Can't wait to see you again...you owe me an anniversary celebration :P...here's to more anniversaries to come...

Your girlfriend,
Kathleen

P/S: I Love You!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Back To Wonderland - Khalil Fong

 


It's been a long while since my last post...not that i have less complaints about life but i guess i was getting tired of just posting laments and sob stories on my blog...anyway, Khalil's back with his new album...Back to Wonderland, which was released last December...didn't go all out to search for his album like how i used to when i was head over heels with him...hehe...but i guess God knows what His children need...

So last Wednesday was a great day...it was OT day and there was supposed to be a free flap on...but praise be to God that the flap didn't happen...the wound could be closed primarily...hahahaha...best news of the day...OT finished before 2pm...yipee!!!! so i had time to go for dinner with Karen after all...

We went for Burger King at KB Mall...then went hunting for her iPhone case...she ended up buying a neon green one...next she wanted to lepak at Popular...was checking out CDs aimlessly at their CDRama section when i stumbled upon Khalil's Back to Wonderland...last one on the rack...as if it was waiting for me to buy it...hahaha...so yea, i bought it...and had a 10% discount coz Karen had the member card...ahhh....the little things in life that is happiness :)

Been listening to his album the last 2 days...these are the songs in the album, which is a little more than 40 minutes only...a shame coz i'd definitely listen to it again and again even if the whole album lasted more than an hour...hehe...


I'm not crazy about all the songs in the album...though they all definitely have Khalil's distinct signature in them...i particularly like song no. 5 besides song no. 10...song no. 5 has a very feel good music that makes you want to listen to it over and over...anyway, just wanna share the lyrics and translation...

 關於愛的定義(Definition of Love) 

LOVE 用色彩最美麗 用歌聲最甜蜜   (Love, using colour is the most beautiful, using singing is the sweetest)
無法形容 愛情流動在你走過的空氣裡   (Indescribable, love flows from the atmosphere you've passed by)
多麼愛你 (how i love you)
只要 天空開始下雨  (as soon as the sky starts to rain)
想念在心裡 就漫漫而來  (the longing in my heart slowly creeps in)
在熟悉卻寂寞的城市 愛如此的迂迴  (in this familiar yet lonely city, love is like a roundabout)
是還要等多久 好近又好遠  (how much longer to wait? so near yet so far)
現在的我該如何 能走進你最深的心  (now how am i supposed to enter the depth of your heart?)

要多久 有些花會晚開多久 (How long? some flowers bloom late, how long?)
有些人要等待多久  (to wait for some people?)
為了你一句話 BABY 那一句話 BABY  (because of your one word, baby, that one word, baby)
要等多久 癡心像個小孩多久  (how long to wait? infatuated like a little child, how long?)
每天都在期待  (hoping everyday)
有時候 轉一個彎的幸福  (sometimes, happiness that went though a bent)
才是最真的幸福  (is the most genuine happiness)

當 天空開始下雨  (when the sky starts to rain)
想念在心裡就漫漫而來  (the longing in my heart slowly creeps in)
在熟悉卻寂寞的城市  愛如此的迂迴 (in this familiar yet lonely city, love is like a roundabout)
是還要等多久 
好近又好遠  (how much longer to wait? so near yet so far)
現在的我該如何 能走進你最深的心  (now how am i supposed to enter the depth of your heart?)

愛是沒有回頭的路 關於愛的定義 模糊  (love is a journey of no return, the definition of love is fuzzy)
就算最後受了傷害 不在乎不在乎  (even if in the end suffered injury, i don't care, i don't care)
BABY 你是最甜蜜是又痛又傻我的心  (baby, you're the sweetest, my foolish heart aches)
都不會退 只是愛你  (but will not give up, only love you)
MY HEART 並無所求  (my heart, does not ask for anything)