Saturday, March 26, 2016

告別

人生理有遇見而終有一天就會告別。。。原因只有心理知道。。。爱一個人,從來就不想說再見。。。可是有時候, 情況難免。。。可能是因為他從來都沒愛過妳。。。也許過了太久, 他對妳的愛已經冷淡了。。。爱者一个不爱妳的人是很难受。。。何必受苦呢? 所以選擇放開手。。。放開他。。。而放開自己。。。自己一個人受苦比為了一個人受苦好。。。很想跟他說其实不要離開的。。。還是好想念。。。但沒有妳的生活,他還過得很好。。

善意的朋友劝妳,他不适合妳。。。他在利用妳。。。妳值得更好。。。但妳很想相信他有愛過妳的。。。他還愛者妳的。。。只是他不能給妳所要的快樂, 所以假裝冷淡。。。不过现实很残酷。。。妳不必騙自己。。。只能默默的祝福他。。。還是要幸福。。。而妳慢慢也會痊癒。。。希望未來的對象會有幸福的結局。。。





 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

An un-fairytale-like life...

     You know how in movies, a man and a woman always meet by chance/ serendipity/ fate/ etc? And their characters are usually worlds apart but somehow it was like they've found their soul mate in each other and despite all the craziness and ups and downs, they still ended up together...although we don't ever get to see what happens during "happily ever after"...and so growing up, you, the ever hopeless romantic, wished and prayed that that's how your love life would play out in real life...but real life has a way of thwarting your plans and wishes...so broken relationships after broken relationships, you grew more jaded and disillusioned...and along the way, you've been told that falling in love is easy and staying in love is hard work...and that falling in love is an involuntary high that would eventually wear off while choosing to love in spite of someone's flaws is the kind of love that would last...
      
     So one day, you decided to not let your heart rule your head anymore and choose to love someone who claimed to love you...someone who have loved you for a long long time...for a while, you seemed to be able to fool your heart and head into believing that this was the right thing to do...but you ended up stuck in a relationship that made you miserable and angry all the time...he didn't just murder the hopeless romantic in you, he buried it so deep that you'd probably never be able to exhume whatever residue was left...and finally after months of contemplation, you decided you wanted out...you've been reduced to a shadow of your former self and you didn't think you could live like that for the rest of your life...

     Somewhere along your unhappy relationship, you had a chance meeting with a man under the strangest circumstance...somehow, he left a mark, somewhere in your subconscious mind i suppose...but you didn't think much of it coz after all, yours is a real life yea? And so you trudged along in your real mundane life...and just when you think your life couldn't get any worse, it did...but you're no quitter...so you bulldozed on...and then you asked God why? it's not like you were gonna meet someone new where you were...and then, just like an answer to a prayer you didn't really mean to pray, you had a 2nd chance meeting with that man, again under the most unlikely circumstance (sometimes I wonder at God's sense of humour and irony)...and then he disappeared from your life again...so you moved on...thinking chance meeting are better left as just that...after all, your life was a big furry ball of mess anyway...

     And just when your life seemed to be climbing back up from shithole to mundane, the man contacted you...and something started...although you knew he was the kind of man your mom would specifically forbid you to date...and you knew he was not right for you...even your friends warned you...but you told yourself, nay, we're not dating...we're just friends...and your self-esteem was so damaged from your recent relationship that you didn't even think he was in any way remotely interested in you...but it turned out that he was interested in you...and at the beginning, he was so into you...there was a stupid saying that went something like this: marry the person who is willing to drive 5 hours just to see you for 1 hour...and he was doing something like that...and you were so touched by his thoughtfulness...in the beginning your head told you to run for your life...don't get involved with him...and you did try to tell him that you guys shouldn't be starting something that has no future...but somehow he was so persistent...and you fell hook, line and sinker...

     But as this is real life, all good things will come to an end...few months down the road, he seemed distracted...you were no longer his priority...and you wondered if you were ever his priority...while in the beginning, there were daily good mornings and good nights (to show that you were the first thing on his mind when he wakes up and the last thing on his mind when he goes to sleep), now he would go on for days without sending you messages...he doesn't make the time to drive the distance to see you like how he used to...and when you're back in town, he doesn't pick you up to go out anymore...you asked him if he was getting bored of you, but as with most men who were, he said you were thinking too much...he said he was busy with a lot of things... which only convinced you further that he was not so into you anymore...

     Friends told you it's time to move on...but since you're no quitter, you gave him the benefit of doubt...but things only seem to drift further apart for both of you...you were unhappy...you thought, no woman likes to be a back-burner/ time-filler/ non-priority in a man's life...especially a man who was priority to her...and you told him how you felt, and he told you all this was not important...and during your last meeting, when both of you were hanging out with his friends, he danced with the 2 other women in the group, but never once did he ask you to dance...and you wondered, was he trying to stir up jealousy in me? or was that his not-so-subtle hint that he'd rather be dancing with other women than me? anyhow, you were finally convinced that it was time to move on...on your own...for your own sanity's sake and future... sometimes, you just have to be a selfish bitch who puts herself as priority in her own life...and yet, you feel guilty for wanting to end this non-relationship thinking you don't want to hurt his feelings, when he probably won't even miss you when you're gone... and you thought this was probably the ultimate goodbye speech and wondered if you should try it on him...












     So it's time to move on in your un-fairytale-like life...you tell yourself, it's better to be miserable out of your own choice than be miserable due to someone else...and you'd rather be alone and happy/ miserable than have someone but still feel miserable...and at this point in life, while most of your friends are living with their happily ever after which revolves around cute little kids, surely you've learned enough lessons in love and in life...here're a few on top of my head:
  1. Not everyone whom you meet by chance/ fate/ serendipity will be the one for you...
  2. Sometimes you meet the right guy whom you're crazy about, but at the wrong time and place...and somehow things just don't work out for you...
  3. Sometimes in a relationship, love really just ain't enough...
  4. You know how we are told to always look for the best in others, they didn't tell you that most times you will still get disappointed by others despite their best intentions...
  5. Stop being gullible and don't let ppl take advantage of your kindness
  6. Everyone will fail you...only God won't...and you're His utmost priority...     
     
     Well, since you're suffering the curse of singlehood (which is probably to wander restlessly alone in the world), it's time to brush up your poor rusty French to prepare for your Paris and Southern France trip...a whiff of the cool Mediterranean breeze will always do good to your soul...

Saturday, February 27, 2016

New place, new beginning...

     So it's been almost 2 months since I relocated to Malacca from KB...started my gazettement in Hospital Malacca just after the New Year...which seemed like a great start to a new year...close one chapter and start a new chapter...and the story continues...I suppose this is a good place to start afresh...in a city where I'm a stranger to...where nobody knows me and my past...where everything is new and full of exciting possibilities...

     Work life has been great so far...although not without drama that makes Grey's Anatomy dull in comparison...ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit...but drama is drama...don't get me wrong...my boss is great...and she's very supportive and helpful and teaches me a lot while giving me lots of room to learn on my own...and my MOs are great...so are most of the staffs...it's just the situations that occur during our day to day work that are dramatic...in a way, it is more preferable than office politics and human drama...

     So now that I've got the career that I've always wanted...it should be time for wedding bells and kids right? hmmm, but I think I have the bad habit of sabotaging my own love life... in as much as I want to start a family, I think deep down in my subconscious mind, I'm a commitment-phobe...so I kept dating men who are wrong for me...even when I know that from the start...even when close friends tell me what I already know...I still jump into it with eyes wide open...or was it blind faith? maybe so that few years or months down the road, I can use the "we're wrong for each other" reason to get me out of it before things get too far? and maybe deep inside, I'm a boyfriend-stealing bitch...since I've managed to get myself involved with men who were already in a relationship with another woman...although not in a thousand lives could I imagine how I could have managed to do that... I'm not proud of that...it makes me mad at myself...and mad at those two-timing bastards...but who am I to throw any stone huh?

     So they say that I should not let my past define my future...or something like that...and my past mistakes does not mean the end of my world and I should take them as lessons learnt...or something to that effect...and an idea came to me one of those sleepless nights... that I should celebrate my birthday in a new city/ country every year from now on...and so, I shall be keeping myself busy planning for my birthday trip this May...and perchance, a miracle happens and I do meet a man whom I will be crazy enough about to want to marry and vice versa...and an even bigger miracle of that happening before all my ova expires...who says I can't still be celebrating my birthday in a new city/country each year? I'll have someone to share half the cost of travelling...how wonderful is that huh?

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough...

    Most of us children of the 80s would probably have heard of this song called 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' sung by Patty Smyth and Don Henley in the early 90s...I've always thought it was a really sad song...the idealist cannot except the fact that sometimes, love really just ain't enough...and as the idealist became more jaded by the world, it became clear that really, sometimes love just ain't enough...to sustain a long distance relationship ...to overcome the odds of 2 people from different worlds staying committed to a long-term relationship....or even for the union of 'a daughter of Christ' and 'a son of Lucifer'...

    Heard the song playing on LiteFM (thanks to my bro) yesterday while on the way to attend a distant cousin's wedding...can't help thinking that the song tugged at a raw nerve...

Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
 
    Oh well, perhaps human love isn't enough...but i choose to believe that God's love is enough...although sometimes we are wretched enough to celebrate the birth of Christ (who is God's love incarnate) in the most undeserving way... may the Lord forgive those of us who have forsaken His Love to chase after meaningless endeavour...

Friday, August 28, 2015

Post free flap frenzy depression....

        I'm not sure if it's a combination of exhaustion and days of sleep debt, but free flap frenzy always leave me at a low when it's finally over...We've practically been living in the OT since Sunday till Wednesday for flap OT after flap OT...I was a bit luckier as I went back earlier on Sunday as I was pre-call and on Tuesday as I was post-call...but we were up whole night on Monday and I only got home past midnight on Wednesday...by Thursday we were all ready to just go into hibernation...I think the late nights were getting to the bosses as well and us seniors were bearing the brunt...Yea, I know, it's part of the learning process to be hammered for everything you didn't do right in the bosses' eyes...but when tension is high and your nerves are frazzled and frayed, all those hammering can leave you feeling less than appreciative (or appreciated)...
        And so Thursday finally came...and I was overjoyed and felt really grateful that this crazy week has come to an end...and yet there I was, feeling low and depressed as well...I wished I had somebody to talk to and unload the burden that's weighing me down...then I realized that I didn't have that somebody...no one whom I can run to for words of comfort...who'd just listen to my complaints with empathy and understanding...who'd remind me he'll always be there for me no matter how much turmoil and ugliness I feel within me...and that realization plunged me further into my depth of despair....coz it's really sad when you seem to be not alone but deep down you actually feel alone...
         But I really shouldn't be complaining...I may not have a physical person whom I can confide in...but I have the God of the heavens and earth who knows my anguish and despair...and He will lift my soul and help me rise again... I think I shall go repay my sleep debt now...

Friday, August 21, 2015

Poisoned again....

I've been a little lacking in the motivation and inspiration department lately... I know I should be studying like mad for my 2nd attempt of finals but I just feel so unmotivated... not to mention tired... the free flap frenzy has barely begun and I've only had an episode of 'all-nighter' in the OT a few days back and I felt dead already... definitely getting old... So instead, I've been watching a Taiwanese idol drama titled 'In Time With You' (or in Chinese 我可能不会爱你)... Bf doesn't think I should be watching dramas coz it will take up a lot of my time... Well, it's just a one-off thing... I hope...and this series only have 13 episodes... I've watched longer series...

So this was the first series that appeared at vikidrama when I searched... And the storyline caught my attention... seemed like something I could relate to... a pair of guy-girl best friends forever since high school... each one is always in a relationship when the other isn't... neither approved of each others' tastes in partner selection... And so, after 15 years of friendship, they were both at the marriageable age of 30... also the beginning of 'aging'... so the girl went through a list of men in her life that may be spouse material...but they were either men incapable of being loyal, or gay...and the only man who really understood her was her best friend... but then her best friend had told her early in their friendship that "he would never possibly fall in love with her"...except that he was actually totally in love with her but had tried very hard not to fall in love with her...why would a guy be so stupid as to not want to confess his love to a girl he is totally in love with yea? But there were lines from the drama which went like these: 拥有是失去的开始...友情会比爱情更长久... which I can actually relate to...

There was a guy back in high school whom I literally fell in love at first sight with... unfortunately the feeling was not reciprocal...so we were just friends....and then we became buddies for life...he would consult me for girl problems, and i would complain to him about the lack of male love interests in my life... But I suppose I'm more fortunate than the male lead in that I've managed to fall out of love with my guy bff... and when he got married, I didn't even have to watch a rerun of "My Best Friend's Wedding" and cry myself to sleep... We're both busy with our own lives now... We still keep in touch with each other... but not like how we used to... but I know we can still count on each other when we need each other...

Then there was another guy whom I hung with and considered a bff... we hung out for quite a few years... I never thought I would develop any romantic feelings for him as I was in a relationship with someone else...and so was he... but eventually I was thinking about him a lot... and I thought that I might have some romantic feelings for him after all... and i thought that maybe he should know how i felt... so I found the courage to confess my feelings and made a total fool out of myself... as it turned out, he only treated me like his sister all the while... so i moved on... and now we have fallen out of touch... all because i made the mistake of confessing my stupid feelings... so yea, that's why I can understand why the male lead never dared to reveal his feelings for his best friend...coz in case the feeling wasn't mutual, he would lose her forever...

Anyhow, the series had a happy ending as expected... through a series of events which included an ex-gf of the male lead telling the female lead that the male lead was totally in love with her...the female lead's cheating ex-bf coming back into her life and wanting to marry her... the male lead leaving the country to nurse his broken heart...but eventually the female lead realized that the man she really loved was her best friend... and the guy-girl bff eventually got married... I've always thought the notion of marrying one's best friend a romantic one... there may not be the high of "falling in love" and courtship and dates... but those things don't guarantee a permanent marriage... or a happy one... I know i'm guilty of chasing after all that when i was younger... but i'm older now... and perhaps a little more grown up and hopefully wiser now... somehow i don't think i'm capable of handling the emotional high of "falling in love" with someone anymore... anyway, there's only one thing i hope that wouldn't happen after watching this series... it's that no guy whom i used to harbour feelings for would suddenly decide he wants to confess his love for me just when i'm about to get married and prepare for my happily ever after... i'd definitely punch him in the face...

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Another 6 months...

So I did not pass my finals...and so although I'm still a Miss, but I'm not a Ms yet...it's not a big deal really, many ppl do not pass their finals on the 1st attempt...I wouldn't be the first person anyway...nevertheless, it's still a massive blow to me...as one of my uni mate commented, it's more difficult for me as I've never failed before (which btw is not true as I have failed before, just not finals)...the thing is, all my life, I've always linked passing exams (especially with flying colours) to blessings by God...don't get me wrong, I put in my effort and share of hard work but I've always felt that it was God's grace, miracle and blessing that I did well in my exams...that's why not passing my finals hit me so hard...it was like God has withheld His blessing from me...the miracle that I prayed so hard for did not happen...totally shattered my confidence...

So it was decided for me by my uni bosses that I shall be doing my remedial back in uni for the next 6 months...a decision which I welcomed with arms and heart wide open...I've had enough of my time in my outcampus hospital...what initially was supposed to be a respite from my crazy work schedule in uni had become a nightmare of a workplace and eventually, my downfall...according to my uni boss, I had allowed those ppl to totally destroy my confidence...in part, it was the fault of my character weakness to have allowed them to bully me...but mostly, I hope karma will grip them like a dog gripping its bone...

So apparently I failed because I did not have the confidence to become a specialist...my uni boss consoled me by saying that my theory marks were among the highest (although i'm sure they were a far cry from the As I used to get - how the mighty has fallen)...and in fact, my total marks were higher than some of those who passed...but yea, I failed because I did not have the confidence to express my knowledge during most of my clinical sessions...and so, I have another 6 months (or so) to "find back my old self, the one who used to do well while in uni" (quoted verbatim from my uni boss)...

I'm sure there's something good that will emerge from this tragedy of my life...not sure what it will be...only God knows of His plans for me...but until I passed my finals, wedding bells will continue to be a distant dream, while my ova continue to waste away...