Wednesday, November 30, 2011
他十点多来接我。。。然后去吃牛肉面。。。两个人吃一碗面， 应该是很幸福。。。但我知道他一点感觉都没有。。。吃饱了， 我们就去戏院。。。他问我，其实我们是看哪一部戏。。。因为连海报一张都没看到。。。原来我‘骗’了他陪我看华文戏。。。他平时不会看这种戏的。。。这部电影， 真的又搞笑又浪漫。。。
在戏里面， 男主角结果没和女主角在一起。。。最后女主角嫁了另一个男人。。。不过总算他们俩有喜欢过对方。。。女主角婚礼那天， 男主角和一般久同学去参加婚礼。。。男主角以为他看见他爱过的女孩嫁给别人， 他会吃醋和难过。。。原来他错了。。。看见他喜欢过的女孩很幸福， 他也感到很快乐。。。很祝福她。。。
所以，若有一天他娶了别的女人， 我也应该很开心。。。为他觉得幸福。。。在故事里， 地震后， 男主角打电话给女主角。。。问她是否平安没事。。。聊了一整晚。。。他问她， 如果有平行时空， 他们是否会在一起。。。她说， 他们一定很幸福。。。也许在另一个平行时空， 我和他会在一起。。。白头谐老。。。真可惜， 我只能感觉到我的存在在这个现实。。。而在这个现实，我们不会在一起。。。是否有点狼狈吗? well, this is life, i guess...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
love u u
love u u
我最堅持的聲音 只剩一句love u u
Stay with me
我最堅持的聲音 只剩一句love u u
Stay with me
他说他最近压力很大。。。工作方面不太顺利。。。他欠银行很多顺用卡费。。。他问我是否有想过要放弃我所有的一切然后从新开始。。。我说， 我有想像过。。。但我想不到我能做什么其他东西来养生活。。。我觉得他一定很辛苦。。。我很想和他一起负担。。。却知道我什么都帮不到他。。。感觉好无助。。。只能陪着他。。。就像在‘夏日乐悠悠’里 乐乐记在日记: 看着你伤心，我陪着你伤心。。。看着你哭， 我陪着你哭。。。虽然他不会哭。。。
我们去一件酒店的酒吧。。。一边聊天， 一边陪他工作， 一边喝红酒和鸡尾酒。。。希望他这样能够放松自己。。。他看见我累了， 他让我靠在他肩膀。。。靠在他肩膀， 感觉很安全。。。也许是我太久没肩膀来靠。。。或许是酒后的影响。。。但这种感觉我很享受。。。虽然我很清楚我们俩的关系只是好朋友。。。他暗示了太明显我不是他所要的女人。。。其实那么多年了，而我已经分不情， 他是友情还是错过的爱情。。。
虽然我觉得可惜不是他陪我到最后， 但我还是很幸福有他当我的知己。。。如果他幸福快乐， 我就幸福快乐。。。如果他伤心， 我就陪他伤心。。。但我在想，如果有一天他遇见他心爱的女人而结婚了，我是否会伤心难过。。。希望不会。。。因为已经来不及遗憾了。。。
Monday, November 21, 2011
KP was a super nice guy...and he was as skinny as a pole...and he played tennis...how could he have died of an MI? It just sounds so ridiculous...why do good people die young? he has a very young son...KP, i hope you had a good birthday...may God bless your soul and may you rest in peace...may God bring comfort and healing to your family as they grieve for you...
KP's death reminded me of Jesus...He died on the cross at the age of 33...just a year younger...i mourn for KP's passing and cried out at how unfair that his life should be taken from him at such a young age...but i've taken for granted Jesus' death on the cross...i've always accepted that Jesus had to die on the cross to atone for my sins yet i've taken the precious life He has given me for granted...as if i deserved it...Lord, help me to never take Your sacrifice for granted...may i live this life as You will it...so that when it's my turn to pass from this earth, i will see You face to face, Lord...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I went to the USM’s CF yesterday…after a long long long time…since I left USM and started working in Sabah, I’ve never visited KB again till I came back here for Masters…and I’ve been wanting to check out the CF for the last 5 months plus...of course the first 4 months were quite impossible coz I was in HUSM…then I started my rotation in HKB and I’ve been meaning to go but somehow everytime Wednesdays 730pm come I’ll forget that I was supposed to go to CF…so yesterday I reminded myself the whole day that I had a date with God that evening…
And horrible me actually didn’t feel like going when the time has almost arrived…but I went anyway…and I’m glad I did…the CF is held at the Murni hall now…and we just sat on the floor on mats…we had praise and worship session like old times…and most of the songs we used to sing back then…and being in the Murni hall…brought back so much nostalgia…I was so moved during the worship session that tears were free-flowing…after all these years, I’m back where it all started…the place where I really found God…and how our hide-and-seek relationship really started…one where I kept hiding and He kept seeking and have always found me and brought me back to Him…
It’s been 5 years since I graduated…and I’ve stray away from Him uncountable times…just like Israel…and yet He has always brought me back to Him…and I’m just so amazed at how far He has brought me through…just like the line from the song “Through It All” that goes: “You’ll never let me go, through it all”…then we had a speaker from FES who gave us guides for bible study…sitting on the floor for almost an hour gave me such a butt ache and back ache that I realized I’m no longer as young as I used to be…
So I woke up this morning feeling a lot better…I’ve been down with a flu since Monday…went to work ready for my 4 consecutive calls in a row…we had clinic in the morning…my boss admitted 2 patients…one for I & D, another for T & S…was planning to do them after lunch…and thank God the flap case was postponed…coz then it would have been a longer day for me…anyway, just about half an hour before clinic ended, I had a bad attack of menstrual cramps…today was my 4th day of menses…it has been happening on and off lately but the pain usually is self-resolving after about 10-15 minutes…
But after clinic, the pain was still there and seemed to be worsening…I thought I’d take a quick drive to get lunch and come back to the hospital to continue my work…walking to the car park was a challenge…but I managed…then halfway driving to Chinatown, I felt a vasovagal attack coming…I guess the severe dysmenorrhoea must have induced the vasovagal attack…and I have had history of vasovagal attacks during recovery from flu…short of total blackout, I had all the symptoms of turning cold and clammy, lips as pale as sheet, nauseous, hands trembling with tingling sensation, upper and lower limbs turning into jelly…I was praying that I would make it to some roadside where I could park before I totally blackout and crash into something….
Thank God I managed to find somewhere to park by the roadside…I thought resting a while until the wave has passed would help…but the pain and all the symptoms only got worse…the pain was so bad that I felt like defecating…so I had to go to a budget hotel which was just opposite the road where I parked to use the toilet…I was in the toilet for a good while…of course with defecation the pain was still there…so in the end I had to ask for help from the hotel people to send me back to the hospital…I didn’t think I could drive back there on my own without risking an accident which would only made matters worse…
So the nice couple drove me to the hospital…dropped me at the casualty, went to park my car and returned my car keys…I wanted to offer them cab money since they drove my car but the guy said he’ll get his friends to pick them up…really thank God for kind strangers…so I went into the triage, telling the staff there that I was a doctor who works in the hospital and I’m sick…they didn’t even bother to take my blood pressure at the triage…they sent me to the yellow zone and left me there to die…ok, so I’m being dramatic…I’m sure no one ever dies of pain-induced vasovagal attack…but from previous history, whenever I had vasovagal attacks, my blood pressure drops to as low as 60/30mmHg…and I need IV drips to go in fast to bring my BP back to normal…
Of course since they left me lying there for so long, by the time I called a student nurse to check my BP, it was 100/62 mmHg…I supposed my body has compensated…but the pain was still unbearable…I think I can imagine 1/10th of a contraction pain now…and I’m definitely going for epidural childbirth…my menstrual cramps lasted probably an hour plus and I really thought I would die…while in pain, I called Kean Khang to see if he was in the hospital…coz I didn’t know how long more till the casualty MO would come to help me…and I needed pain relief real bad…thank God he was PM shift and he was free…
By the time he came to casualty, the casualty MO had just attended to me…so I told her I need drips and pain killers…and I’ll be fine…so Kean Khang tried to set an IV line on my right hand but failed…thank God the nursing coordinator managed to set a line on my left hand…coz all my veins were constricted and collapsed…usually, my veins are very prominent…then Kean Khang smuggled a dose of dynastat from OT for me…after that, my pain was gone and so were the other symptoms…of course the 2 pints drip helped too…in the end, I had to ask my colleague to take my call today…I really felt drained after the ordeal…I think I need to rest today so I can continue to be on call the next 3 days…very kind of my colleague to agree to help…
I felt really alone in my pain earlier…I cried out to the Lord to take the pain away but the pain only became worse…at that time I really wished I had someone beside me to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be alright…but I don’t have that someone…and I couldn’t hear God telling me that…but I was very grateful for Kean Khang…his presence made me felt less alone…and I felt that I still have friends who will come to my rescue when I need help…God bless him…and the kind couple who helped send me to the hospital…
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Since it was saturday yesterday and i had time to workout, so i turned on the TV at 6pm and NTV7 was showing this China dating game show called 非诚勿扰...or the English title given was Perfect Match...apparently this is their 2nd season...and the show was based on the Australia game show Taken Out...haven't heard of that one either...i've seen the Chinese version once or twice during my workout...but since my Chinese is only elementary, i didn't know how the game show worked initially...or maybe it was the hypoxia-induced brain fuddle...
Anyway, i finally got the idea of the show yesterday...so there will always be 24 single women (divorced and widowed females included) standing at each allocated podium...not sure how these females get selected though...and there will be 1 male contestant who is introduced at each time...initially the guy will choose a girl whom he would like to date (this is unknown to the girls, only known to the audience)...then the 24 girls will indicate if they like the guy (by leaving the light on) or not (by turning off the light on her podium)...then a few video clips of the particular guy will be showed...and one by one you can see the lights turning off...apparently somethings just turn most girls off...
The show's quite entertaining because of the host and the judges...and some of the male contestants really need to brush up on what to highlight about themselves...during yesterday's show...all the lights were turned off on a few male contestants...which i thought was quite sad...one was probably becoz he was obese...another probably because he was too weepy on stage...although it was quite touching that he revealed that he went on the show only for one of the female contestant...who actually turned the light off on him because she said he didn't appear to be able to give her enough sense of security...and then another guy was quickly eliminated because he revealed that he didn't want to have kids...then there was this young kid of 25 who initially chose a different girl but in the end only the light of another girl on still on for him...but he decided to take the chance to go out with the girl..and get this, they get to go to Hawaii for a holiday...just the 2 of them (now i wouldn't mind the Hawaii holiday)....and the last male contestant also chose another girl but in the end only one light of another girl was still lit...and this girl actually looked really beautiful (i would say more beautiful than the one the guy chose)...but she had been married before...so i guess that wasn't exactly what the guy was looking for...the male judge was actually good at catching the guy's cue...so the male judge asked the girl if she thought the guy was interested in her...coz the guy was evading her question when she asked if he minded she was married before...so eventually the girl turned off her light and the guy left without a partner...
I guess that's how life is huh? you choose ppl, ppl choose you...you don't always get your choice...and you don't always get chosen by the person whom you wish would choose you...there was a 38 year-old lady contestant among the 24 ladies...of course she was beautifully made-up that she hardly looked 30...i do hope she eventually gets a date on the show and it may blossom into something better...personally, i don't think i'd do well in game shows like these...thus far, i don't think i would want to date any of the guys i've seen on the show...which would probably be fine with the male contestants anyway coz i would probably be the least chosen one among the female contestants...hahahaha....i guess my ex-big boss' advice was very wise...he told me, the older i get, the harder i'll be able to find a guy to my liking...coz i've become more fixed in my ways and opinions and i know more of what i don't want in a guy...which is a lot of things...but let's not elaborate on that...
Anyway, i'm on call today...hopefully it will be a quiet call...need to hit the books...urgh!
Friday, November 11, 2011
I actually feel quite disturbed typing this post coz my dream contents still make me feel squirmish when i think about them...the setting for the dream is quite a haze to me but it felt like i was on a cruise ship...a huge one with lifts...and then there was this guy (who's almost a decade younger than i am...yes, i can hear horrifying gasps) who was in the same cruise...we happened to go into the same lift (for some reason we were heading for the basement)...and something happened in the lift, which was caught on the cctv....
Apparently we were both a little drunk and i somehow went over to seduce him and we ended up making out in the lift...and the whole incident was exposed coz the recording of the cctv were widely distributed on the ship...but apparently the cctv could only see the guy but not me (coz my back was facing the cctv)...and it became such a scandal on the cruise that the guy actually had to make a public apology...while i was spared the public humiliation as no one could identify who the girl was...
Then the guy confronted me..get this...of all place, in the shower (imagine those public showers in swimming pools with rows of shower cubicles)...i was only in my towel when he barged in and started throwing accusations at me...asking me why i seduced him and caused him to commit such a shameful mistake...he said all he wanted to do was to go down to the basement to study (i know, this is how weird my dreams can get)...and i said i don't remember doing anything to seduce you coz i was drunk (i think i've only been drunk once and i didn't do anything stupid like that)...i think there was supposed to be more arguments to follow but thank God the message from my colleague woke me up...
I don't know what this dream meant and i don't wish to even try to understand or interpret it...in case it actually reveals that my subconscious mind is getting too desperate that it's turning into a cradle-snatcher...or what's that new term used again? cougar or something? yup, i think i'll just laugh it off as a practical joke my subconscious mind is playing on me...well, at least now i know that i'm capable of dreaming up a scandal...hahahahaha....
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Yesterday i started my 1st of 3 stretch of continuous calls...not a good start...they just kept referring cases...and the last one was this idiot who was riding a motorcycle without helmet (coz it's jalan kampung) and banged God-knows-what and fell over...again, i must wonder why are there so many ppl in the world who were born without protective reflexes...one would think that when a person is about to fall, his/her limbs would be outstretched to break the fall and thus be of worse condition than one's face...but since i became a plastic surgery MO, i've seen so many idiots with horrifying facial laceration (only) but their limbs were unscathed...some don't even have a bloody scratch on the upper limbs...as if God made the face to stop a fall...
Got the call at 2am...and was in casualty till 4am...bugger....was only able to suture part of his wound coz it was at the left lateral canthus and it was bloody deep and wide...to suture it anyway would leave him with a squinted eye...not that i care if he ended up having eye asymmetry...he was asking for it anyway...but i wouldn't want my boss to think that i do not value cosmetic and aesthetic results...not that putting a full-thickness skin graft on his wound would restore proper facial contour but at least his eyes will still be symmetry....
So i'm keeping my fingers crossed that tonight will be a quiet night...since tomorrow i'm still on call...Lord, i'm looking forward to Friday...i'm dipping into mild depression...so i'm having my dose of caramel hot chocolate to lift my mood and hopefully aid in my falling asleep....yes, despite being tired (and able to fall asleep anywhere at any circumstances during the day), i still have problem falling asleep at night in my bed...
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
So i just had to watch The Little Mermaid musical...i found a Pre-broadway version which someone illegally recorded and put up on Youtube...i liked it...they had more songs...and the costumes were great...and most of the actors moved around in skate shoes..for the gliding effect...so fun!!! i love Sierra Boggess as Ariel...her voice is amazing...so needless to say i've been singing Part of Your World in the shower the past few days after i watched The Little Mermaid...though it didn't sound half of what Sierra's version did...hehe...here's a link to Sierra's version of Part of Your World...
The Little Mermaid on Broadway - Part of Your World
Last night my camp 'daughter' Yin Yee posted up a few links on FB...one was this song from Swan Princess called Far Longer Than Forever...brought back so much memories...i loved this song and the cartoon of course when it came out...i remembered going over to my neighbour's house to watch it...and we'll be singing along..."If i could break the spell, i would run to him today, but somehow i know he's on his way to me....Derick, you and i were meant to be...." and i thought that was the most romantic song ever....here's a link to the song...
Far Longer Than Forever - The Swan Princess
She also posted up Reflection from Mulan...i loved Mulan too...i guess i've always identified with characters which always feel out of place, constrained by society norm and are trying to find their place in the world...to be who they really are...i supposed that's why i love Ariel and Mulan...sigh...i missed watching DIsney cartoons...after listening to Reflection and watching the video clip of scenes from Mulan, my tears just came flowing down...made me miss my Pa...don't know if i've ever done anything that made him proud of me like Mulan did...but there won't be any more chance to even try...anyway, here's a link to the song...
Reflection - Mulan
To those who grew up with these cartoons, hope you had a good time reminiscing...