It's been a while since the last time i put up a post here...i thought that i might not need this blog anymore...but i guess there are times you just need to have your own space to vent out all your frustrations and despairs...i don't know if you've gone through it...but have you ever felt that you're so low in your life that you wish everything could just end? well, been having many of those days lately...today's probably the worst...
You'd think that after passing exam and being in 2nd year, things would get better yea? maybe it did...so then why am i still in despair? why can't i see the light at the end of the tunnel? why do i feel like i just can't go on anymore? i just feel so defeated...like there's no more meaning in the things i do...you know what i think is a good idea now? to go to sleep now and to wake up in my Lord's arms...best place to be, ever...no more suffering...no more despair...no more seeing all the brokenness of this broken world...
But then my Lord will ask me, what have you done for Me while you were in the world? and all i can answer is this: nothing...NOTHING! what a wretched being i am...what can i do? when i just don't feel like doing anything anymore? i don't even dream dreams anymore...what's the point of dreaming wonderful dreams when you have to wake up to cold harsh reality?
I'm listening to Corrinne May's 'Crooked Lines' now...and i just keep crying listening to the lyrics...i need You, Lord...like never before...only You can write straight with crooked lines...
Things are always tough during the training years. One day you will look back and smile, that you went through it. To hell and back. That's what kept me going during the 4 years of training. I want to live to tell that I went through it, and it was a worthy life.
ReplyDeletethanks johnny..for the encouragement..i guess many who joined the masters program felt like they were hurled into the darkest pit of hell huh? i'm glad you climbed out that pit victoriously...kind of like how Bruce Wayne climbed out of the pit in The Dark Knight Rises...you'll make a great anaesthesiologist...
ReplyDeleteWell, life as a specialist maybe even darker than trainee years. Haha.
Deleteexactly what i'm afraid of...that there'll only be a longer and darker tunnel up ahead...and the glimpse of light is just a mirage conjured up by a crazed and despairing soul...
ReplyDelete