I just came back from Jo and Nigel's wedding dinner...i'm actually post call and pre call today...so i was practically paying off my sleep debt the whole day after i came back from the hospital...i was still contemplating on whether i should go for the wedding dinner until about 4pm this evening...but i decided i'd go anyway...though i didn't rsvp, hehe...so that would kind of be wedding crashing huh?
Jo was wearing this subtly sexy corset dress which really looked good on her...and she looked so beautiful and happy...i'm so happy for her that she has finally found the guy she'd be spending the rest of her life with...they were showing photos and video clips of the morning tea and wedding ceremony during the dinner...and they were awesome...i suppose if you pay enough money for photographers like Louis Pang, you're bound to get lovely shots...and the video clips totally moved me to tears...and the videographer looked kinda cute...from afar...since he didn't even come near our table...hehe...
I guess these days when i attend weddings, the question that i'd be wondering to myself would be: would i ever be blessed enough to end up getting married?..hehe...well, i guess God has His plans for me...though i can't seem to see it happening...oh well, que sera sera...tomorrow i'm on call again...Lord, give me strength to go through eod calls in a stretch...thank You, Lord...good night...amen...
P/s: Oh, and Lord, please stop throwing jerks my way...:P
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A day of complicated appendicectomy and trauma...
Yesterday was my 2nd surgery call...Chan and i were in OT from about 10am till 4pm....we were doing a left AKA...then we were operating on this Kudat patient referred by Elaine...this particular case has caused an uproar among the department and our circle of friends in Sabah...quite a soap, if you ask me, hehe...and then there was another lady who had appendicular mass...we ended doing a limited right hemicolectomy for her coz the caecum was all stuck to the mass/abscess...we only went for lunch after that...and i skipped dinner the night before coz of late lunch...hmm, if i keep this one meal a day habit, i might just be able to maintain my weight and not put on weight despite what my bosses 'prophesy' about people who join the surgical department...they say everyone who joins the department will put on weight...i'm adamant to prove them wrong...hehe...
Anyway, after night round with boss, OT called another appendix patient....so i went in with the OT call HO...i managed to find the appendix after some struggle...but when i was ligating the appendix, part of the appendix kind of torn off...i got worried so i called Chan to come in to see if it was ok.... after putting another transfixed suture, he said it should be ok...so i closed up...phew!!! so that was my 1st 'solo' appendicectomy...no babysitting...hehe...but i guess it was only becoz the appendix wasn't adherent to the surrounding structures so i could find it without too much difficulty...if it was stuck, i'd be stuck too...oh well, we learn new things everyday....
After that, i went back to ward to see a new admission...then i thought i'd call it a night and went to sleep...that was about 12am...an hour later, Yap called and informed that there was a polytrauma with intra abdominal injury coming from Queen...need to go straight to OT...urgh!!! by the time the patient reached OT, it was about 245am...don't ask me why it takes so long to send a patient who needs urgent operation to OT...too much logistics and resource limitations....
So we opened up the patient and blood was pouring out from his abdomen....boss and Chan were so fast in identifying the source of bleed...the liver was macerated at segment 7 and 8...estimated blood loss was about 4 litres...since it was the liver, we could only packed it...after checking all the other organs to make sure they were not bleeding, we closed the abdomen...everything was over in 45 mins...and i felt quite redundant since i hardly did anything though i was scrubbed in...so that was my 1st trauma case...
Then i went back to sleep after seeing another new admission...by the time i got up to do my morning round, boss already started round...ish...paiseh only...finally finished seeing my unit's patients...then came home and crashed...thank God it's Sunday today...if not, it would mean i'd still have to continue working...hehe...so there you have it..all in a day's work for a surgical MO...
Anyway, after night round with boss, OT called another appendix patient....so i went in with the OT call HO...i managed to find the appendix after some struggle...but when i was ligating the appendix, part of the appendix kind of torn off...i got worried so i called Chan to come in to see if it was ok.... after putting another transfixed suture, he said it should be ok...so i closed up...phew!!! so that was my 1st 'solo' appendicectomy...no babysitting...hehe...but i guess it was only becoz the appendix wasn't adherent to the surrounding structures so i could find it without too much difficulty...if it was stuck, i'd be stuck too...oh well, we learn new things everyday....
After that, i went back to ward to see a new admission...then i thought i'd call it a night and went to sleep...that was about 12am...an hour later, Yap called and informed that there was a polytrauma with intra abdominal injury coming from Queen...need to go straight to OT...urgh!!! by the time the patient reached OT, it was about 245am...don't ask me why it takes so long to send a patient who needs urgent operation to OT...too much logistics and resource limitations....
So we opened up the patient and blood was pouring out from his abdomen....boss and Chan were so fast in identifying the source of bleed...the liver was macerated at segment 7 and 8...estimated blood loss was about 4 litres...since it was the liver, we could only packed it...after checking all the other organs to make sure they were not bleeding, we closed the abdomen...everything was over in 45 mins...and i felt quite redundant since i hardly did anything though i was scrubbed in...so that was my 1st trauma case...
Then i went back to sleep after seeing another new admission...by the time i got up to do my morning round, boss already started round...ish...paiseh only...finally finished seeing my unit's patients...then came home and crashed...thank God it's Sunday today...if not, it would mean i'd still have to continue working...hehe...so there you have it..all in a day's work for a surgical MO...
Friday, January 22, 2010
My 1st call as a Surgery MO...
Thank God for His grace...coz I survived my 1st surgery call yesterday...phew!!! I still need to be babysit when i'm doing appendicectomy...well, at least i think i still need to be coz i don't think i'm confident enough to do it on my own yet...I managed to sleep about 3 hours...there were no unstable patients in the wards...so it was actually a very good 1st call...a far cry from my 1st GA call...as far as i can remember lah...perhaps surgery life can still be kind to me...hehe...
But of course, no more post call day offs...i had to get up and start my round at 7am plus before boss came to ward...and then boss said i need to go to OT today coz we're having combined OT with ENT...we were doing a total thyroidectomy KIV laryngectomy and tracheostomy for a man with advanced locally invasive papillary throid carcinoma...of course in the end i didn't get to scrub in for the 4 1/2 hours surgery...coz boss and big boss scrubbed with the 2 other ENT surgeons...so the HO, the ENT MO and i were basically redundant...but it was ok...coz i got to see the op anyway...though part of me wished i was sleeping happily in dreamland...hehe...and i was dozing off standing that i almost fell onto the surgical field not less than once...
After the op, went for lunch with the bosses...and while they were talking, i was trying really hard not to nod off...of course i failed miserably...hehe...then we went for the HO teaching...and again i was struggling to stay awake...by the time we finished our pm round, it was about 630pm...and i drove zombie-like back home...
I should be sleeping now...but i think i'm just so tired that i can't sleep...but i felt that i can get used to this...it's really not too bad...at least i'm doing what i've always wanted now...well, at least i'm heading towards that direction...right...tomorrow on call again...
But of course, no more post call day offs...i had to get up and start my round at 7am plus before boss came to ward...and then boss said i need to go to OT today coz we're having combined OT with ENT...we were doing a total thyroidectomy KIV laryngectomy and tracheostomy for a man with advanced locally invasive papillary throid carcinoma...of course in the end i didn't get to scrub in for the 4 1/2 hours surgery...coz boss and big boss scrubbed with the 2 other ENT surgeons...so the HO, the ENT MO and i were basically redundant...but it was ok...coz i got to see the op anyway...though part of me wished i was sleeping happily in dreamland...hehe...and i was dozing off standing that i almost fell onto the surgical field not less than once...
After the op, went for lunch with the bosses...and while they were talking, i was trying really hard not to nod off...of course i failed miserably...hehe...then we went for the HO teaching...and again i was struggling to stay awake...by the time we finished our pm round, it was about 630pm...and i drove zombie-like back home...
I should be sleeping now...but i think i'm just so tired that i can't sleep...but i felt that i can get used to this...it's really not too bad...at least i'm doing what i've always wanted now...well, at least i'm heading towards that direction...right...tomorrow on call again...
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Day 3 and i'm already tired...
Today is my 3rd day tagging and i already feel worn out...so useless already...but i still dragged myself out of bed and went for morning round...assisted in an appendicectomy...then rushed off for church service...
I actually don't really feel like going to church these days...but i still try to honour my vow...though i think it's quite hypocritical of me...anyway, as usual when it came to 'chat time' i would go to the bathroom to relieve myself...as i was walking back to the sanctuary, there was a young Caucasian man and another lady walking in front...at the door the guy opened and held the door for the lady in front of me... i was actually quite a way off from the door, but this guy actually held the door until i got in...hmmm, and i thought to myself...such chivalrous acts are getting rare these days...
Met up for lunch with Flora after church...then asked my senior if i could go home and only come back to the hospital for on call round if there's no pending appendicectomy...and he said yes...so happy...so i went home and slept off the whole afternoon...then got up and went to the hospital again...
Just got back about 10pm....need to sleep...tomorrow big boss coming for round...so need to go earlier to finish round before he comes....
I actually don't really feel like going to church these days...but i still try to honour my vow...though i think it's quite hypocritical of me...anyway, as usual when it came to 'chat time' i would go to the bathroom to relieve myself...as i was walking back to the sanctuary, there was a young Caucasian man and another lady walking in front...at the door the guy opened and held the door for the lady in front of me... i was actually quite a way off from the door, but this guy actually held the door until i got in...hmmm, and i thought to myself...such chivalrous acts are getting rare these days...
Met up for lunch with Flora after church...then asked my senior if i could go home and only come back to the hospital for on call round if there's no pending appendicectomy...and he said yes...so happy...so i went home and slept off the whole afternoon...then got up and went to the hospital again...
Just got back about 10pm....need to sleep...tomorrow big boss coming for round...so need to go earlier to finish round before he comes....
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Random thoughts....
It's Saturday and the 2nd day of life in surgery...i was determined to tag and do some appendicectomies...and i kinda did 2...with a lot of help from the senior MOs...i came home around 930pm...Jasmine was outraged and accused my bosses of working me too hard...i actually didn't mind spending the whole day in the hospital...surrounded by people...it distracts me from needing to feel...
When i get home, i become aware of the fact that i'm alone and when i'm alone, i start feeling miserable....the thing is, i've never really felt lonely when i'm alone at home...i actually like being alone at home...but that's the thing about having had something yea? you feel the lost even more becoz you've had that thing...i was asking God, why did He have to be cruel?...to give me something only so that i can lose it....coz i was happy with my own little life...and i never complained about being alone...but then He made me aware of the happiness of having someone to share my life with, only to take it away and made me more aware of how horrible loneliness feels...
It's not God's fault really...that's the problem with free will...i'm always doing things the way i want it... when God doesn't even want that for me...when He has a better plan for me...and yet i've always managed to screw up His plans...sometimes i imagine God looking down at me and shaking His head, thinking why is it so difficult to knock some good sense into me...
Right, enough rambling for now...tomorrow still need to tag...urgh!!! only day 2 and i'm already tired...Lord, give me strength!!!
When i get home, i become aware of the fact that i'm alone and when i'm alone, i start feeling miserable....the thing is, i've never really felt lonely when i'm alone at home...i actually like being alone at home...but that's the thing about having had something yea? you feel the lost even more becoz you've had that thing...i was asking God, why did He have to be cruel?...to give me something only so that i can lose it....coz i was happy with my own little life...and i never complained about being alone...but then He made me aware of the happiness of having someone to share my life with, only to take it away and made me more aware of how horrible loneliness feels...
It's not God's fault really...that's the problem with free will...i'm always doing things the way i want it... when God doesn't even want that for me...when He has a better plan for me...and yet i've always managed to screw up His plans...sometimes i imagine God looking down at me and shaking His head, thinking why is it so difficult to knock some good sense into me...
Right, enough rambling for now...tomorrow still need to tag...urgh!!! only day 2 and i'm already tired...Lord, give me strength!!!
First day of life in surgery....
Today was my first day of life in surgery...i supposed it was a good thing i started on a Friday coz Friday is quite a lepak day for surgery....and i was put in unit 2...boss was already doing round by the time i came to the ward...i saw him on the way nearing the hospital and gave him a lift...i dropped him off but i had to search for parking...that's why i was late...yea i know, excuses excuses...
After round, we went to Queen for Mortality Meeting...i realized that half of the patient's names were familiar...coz i've probably seen them in the OT, ICU or ward along the way prior to their deaths... then it was lunch time...Friday lunches are sponsored by HOs...and today, lunch was Indian food...after that it was just time for gossiping and socializing...anyway, 1st day of life and boss was already discouraging me by telling me all the horror stories...
Well, truth is, i'd probably have some adjustment disorder before i can really settle down in surgery... it's not gonna be easy to get used to 'no more post call day off'...which means i can't look forward to 8am to go home to sleep after a night of horrible call...and i'll have to deal with HOs who work under me...and i'll have to go for morning rounds during weekends...and i'll be doing a lot more EODs till we get more MOs...and God only knows when that will be...
During lunch break, i got a msg from a friend telling me she just had a suction and currettage for missed abortion...i was shocked...i was just having dinner with her and her husband and another friend the night before....and there i was telling them about my 'story'....and all the while i didn't even realize that she was suffering a much bigger and more painful loss...and she was like asking me how could i have kept my 'story' a secret from them for that long...and i'm wondering the same about her too now...but i guess i can see where she was coming from...i mean, i guess she didn't want to let everyone know of her happiness before she feels that it has mature to a stable enough state...in case everything just comes crashing down on you after you've shared your happiness with everyone...it would have been much more painful to have to deal with sympathies and concerns and pity...but i still wish i could have been able to share the joy and the pain with her...but i guess some demons can only be dealt with on your own huh?
Oh well, need to sleep...still need to go for round tomorrow morning...Lord, may you heal my friend and i physically, emotionally and spiritually...Amen...
After round, we went to Queen for Mortality Meeting...i realized that half of the patient's names were familiar...coz i've probably seen them in the OT, ICU or ward along the way prior to their deaths... then it was lunch time...Friday lunches are sponsored by HOs...and today, lunch was Indian food...after that it was just time for gossiping and socializing...anyway, 1st day of life and boss was already discouraging me by telling me all the horror stories...
Well, truth is, i'd probably have some adjustment disorder before i can really settle down in surgery... it's not gonna be easy to get used to 'no more post call day off'...which means i can't look forward to 8am to go home to sleep after a night of horrible call...and i'll have to deal with HOs who work under me...and i'll have to go for morning rounds during weekends...and i'll be doing a lot more EODs till we get more MOs...and God only knows when that will be...
During lunch break, i got a msg from a friend telling me she just had a suction and currettage for missed abortion...i was shocked...i was just having dinner with her and her husband and another friend the night before....and there i was telling them about my 'story'....and all the while i didn't even realize that she was suffering a much bigger and more painful loss...and she was like asking me how could i have kept my 'story' a secret from them for that long...and i'm wondering the same about her too now...but i guess i can see where she was coming from...i mean, i guess she didn't want to let everyone know of her happiness before she feels that it has mature to a stable enough state...in case everything just comes crashing down on you after you've shared your happiness with everyone...it would have been much more painful to have to deal with sympathies and concerns and pity...but i still wish i could have been able to share the joy and the pain with her...but i guess some demons can only be dealt with on your own huh?
Oh well, need to sleep...still need to go for round tomorrow morning...Lord, may you heal my friend and i physically, emotionally and spiritually...Amen...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Starting the New Year with a clean slate...
I got back from Singapore today...i suppose it was a good distraction...managed to meet up with a few friends...shopped a little...hehe...even managed to watch a movie with Kian Ming...we watched 'Invictus'...starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon...it's about Nelson Mandela and how he changed the stigma of the South Africa rubgy team...quite a touching and inspiring story...which meant i should have cried watching that movie...but i didn't...
Last night i was talking to Yin Yee since i was going back today...and i was also chatting with Cam online...Cam was telling me she read my 'story' 3 times...and she said it was like a TVB soap opera... hahaha....so i told Yin Yee that maybe i should write a screenplay about it and sell it to Hollywood...might get me some big money there...and she offered to help me market it...and then i said we'll need to find a director and producer...and the cast...hahahaha....we were really getting rather delusional..she even came up with the actors who would be suitable for the roles..hahahaha...but it was fun...kinda help to distract us from our own pain and sorrow....oh, and Yin Yee was trying to come up with a title for the movie...like 'Romance of the 3 Countries'...i thought 'The Backseat' would be quite appropriate...gives a more dramatic feel...
Anyway, Jasmine and Siang Lin came to pick me up from the airport...we went for lunch and came home...and i started spring cleaning my room...swept and mopped the floor...wiped away all the dust of yesteryear...washed the bathroom...yup, i'm starting the new year with a clean slate...i'm putting the past behind me and i'm moving on....i guess there's no reason to hold on or hope against all hopes for certain things...
I wiki-ed the poem 'Invictus'...it was written by an English poet named William Ernest Henley in 1875...Invictus actually means unconquered in Latin...apparently, this was the poem that kept Mandela standing when all he wanted to do was lie down (when he was imprisoned for 30 years).... not sure how authentic that is...i'm just quoting from the movie...anyway, here's the poem...hopefully it will inspire us as much as it inspired Mandela...
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
P/s: On 2nd thought, i think i'll write a book about my story first...after it becomes a best-seller (everybody loves a true scandalous story), then it'd be easier to get Hollywood to adapt it to a movie (everybody loves an adaptation of a true scandalous story)...i am, after all the master of my fate, the captain of my soul... hahahaha...
Last night i was talking to Yin Yee since i was going back today...and i was also chatting with Cam online...Cam was telling me she read my 'story' 3 times...and she said it was like a TVB soap opera... hahaha....so i told Yin Yee that maybe i should write a screenplay about it and sell it to Hollywood...might get me some big money there...and she offered to help me market it...and then i said we'll need to find a director and producer...and the cast...hahahaha....we were really getting rather delusional..she even came up with the actors who would be suitable for the roles..hahahaha...but it was fun...kinda help to distract us from our own pain and sorrow....oh, and Yin Yee was trying to come up with a title for the movie...like 'Romance of the 3 Countries'...i thought 'The Backseat' would be quite appropriate...gives a more dramatic feel...
Anyway, Jasmine and Siang Lin came to pick me up from the airport...we went for lunch and came home...and i started spring cleaning my room...swept and mopped the floor...wiped away all the dust of yesteryear...washed the bathroom...yup, i'm starting the new year with a clean slate...i'm putting the past behind me and i'm moving on....i guess there's no reason to hold on or hope against all hopes for certain things...
I wiki-ed the poem 'Invictus'...it was written by an English poet named William Ernest Henley in 1875...Invictus actually means unconquered in Latin...apparently, this was the poem that kept Mandela standing when all he wanted to do was lie down (when he was imprisoned for 30 years).... not sure how authentic that is...i'm just quoting from the movie...anyway, here's the poem...hopefully it will inspire us as much as it inspired Mandela...
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
P/s: On 2nd thought, i think i'll write a book about my story first...after it becomes a best-seller (everybody loves a true scandalous story), then it'd be easier to get Hollywood to adapt it to a movie (everybody loves an adaptation of a true scandalous story)...i am, after all the master of my fate, the captain of my soul... hahahaha...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Picking myself up in Singapore
I reached Singapore yesterday evening from Adelaide...i was only supposed to be in Singapore for a night but since something happened in Adelaide so i got an earlier flight back to Singapore...my flight back to KK is on Jan 14, so i'm kinda stuck in Singapore...which turned out not to be a bad thing after all...I'm staying with Yin Yee at her place and i tell you it's a damn nice place...it's Somerset Bencoolen at Bencoolen Street... near Orchard road...serves breakfast...has a gym and a nice rooftop pool which i swam in this morning after breakfast....ahh...this is the life man...
I just came back from lunch with Yin Yee...we had dim sum....which was good...i guess these few days in Singapore would be a good time to pick myself up before i go back to KK and begin my suffering in surgery department...Adelaide must have been the worst holiday and 'date' in my entire life but that's probably giving too much credit to the person who've caused it...i mean Adelaide is a great place to be though i would advice not to go during summer unless you're into getting heatstrokes...and Elaine went to visit Alisa and baby Darrien while i was away...if someone would have been kind enough to spare me the grief of being in Adelaide, i would have been in Miri visiting Alisa and Darrien...
Anyway, yesterday Yin Yee and i had a good time having our heart to heart talk...i guess talking is therapy....then we decided that we wouldn't continue to indulge in our misery...we dressed up and made up...and then we went to Clarke Quay to have a drink...just ginger ale though...coz i don't really like the taste of alcohol...and Yin Yee had to work today...plus, earlier we've had a little plum wine while we were pouring our hearts out...hehe...there was a pub in Clarke Quay called Clinic...it was quite interesting as it was morbid...they serve drinks on IV bags and you suck them straight from the bags...and the seats were either wheelers or wheelchairs...and the lights were like OT lights except that they were too dim...i wonder if they serve 'pills' as well...hahahaha...
I guess i'll be wandering around Singapore aimlessly and meet up with some friends while i'm here...actually waiting for Ee-zing to come get me with his sports car..hehe...gonna hang out in Plaza Singapura while waiting for him...
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Questions, Questions, Questions....
Have you ever felt the saying 'what goes around comes around' ring true in your life? i started my new year 2 years ago by becoming single after saying goodbye to my boyfriend of almost 5 years... this year, i'm starting my new year by still being single, but has just been spurned by a guy i have supposedly dated recently...for less than 5 months....actually it's less than 3 months...
How is it that when you know that 2 ppl are just not meant to be together, you still managed to get involved in an unsanctioned, doomed-to-fail kind of relationship? i supposed you need to be a super loser, super pushover and super doormat....
How can someone be so into you initially and quickly lose interest and becomes cold? i dunno... perhaps men are just generally jerks and assholes...
Is there a difference between feeling wanted and feeling loved? i think there is...but sometimes you just can't seem to decide which of it that you want and everything kind of becomes messy...
Have you ever vow to yourself after your last relationship that you won't allow yourself to cry becoz of a man anymore? and somehow, you still end up crying becoz of a man? i guess some of us never really learn from mistakes huh?
Have you ever find yourself falling for guys your mother told you exactly not to? i guess you always do stupid things like that in the hopes of proving your mom wrong huh? maybe it's a self-worth issue thingy...
Which is greater love? A love so magnanimous that you're willing to let go of that love if it means less pain/better future for the one you love? Or a love that is willing to fight through the pains and obstacles that come along its way? i think i have yet to meet a guy who would do the latter for me... i guess all my previous guys have been incredibly magnanimous huh?
Have you ever read the book that goes by the title of 'he's just not so into you'...or something like that? don't even remember who the author is...but i just realized i don't really need to read that book...coz i'm damn good at reading those subliminal messages that men send out when they're just not so into you anymore...
What do you do when your guy doesn't want you anymore? do you blame yourself? do you hate him for causing you pain? do you beg him to take you back and promise you'll be better? here's my 2-cent worth...don't blame yourself coz most of the time, it's not your fault...and he's not worth you putting in so much emotion as to hate him...and don't bother begging him to take you back... have some self-dignity....
Why is it when you know you're getting yourself involved in a doomed-to-fail relationship, you still hold on to your hopeless romanticism and hope against hope that somehow things will work out? i guess some of us had fairy-tale and romance overdose when we were younger...
I still have so many questions...and yet, it is probably useless to keep asking questions we don't really have answers for when things go wrong...i supposed i should really thank God for His timing... He knew i was heading for doom but He loved me so much that He didn't allow me to continue in doom...and He knew i'd be too cowardly to break free so He put it in the guy to do it...
Anyway, thanks for the good memories...though they're short-lived...thanks for being the brave one to put an end to a doomed-to-fail relationship...though i shouldn't have allowed it to start in the first place...i hope you'll be happy with your new girl...and hopefully i'll be happy with my new guy...if that ever happens...oh well, que sera sera...
How is it that when you know that 2 ppl are just not meant to be together, you still managed to get involved in an unsanctioned, doomed-to-fail kind of relationship? i supposed you need to be a super loser, super pushover and super doormat....
How can someone be so into you initially and quickly lose interest and becomes cold? i dunno... perhaps men are just generally jerks and assholes...
Is there a difference between feeling wanted and feeling loved? i think there is...but sometimes you just can't seem to decide which of it that you want and everything kind of becomes messy...
Have you ever vow to yourself after your last relationship that you won't allow yourself to cry becoz of a man anymore? and somehow, you still end up crying becoz of a man? i guess some of us never really learn from mistakes huh?
Have you ever find yourself falling for guys your mother told you exactly not to? i guess you always do stupid things like that in the hopes of proving your mom wrong huh? maybe it's a self-worth issue thingy...
Which is greater love? A love so magnanimous that you're willing to let go of that love if it means less pain/better future for the one you love? Or a love that is willing to fight through the pains and obstacles that come along its way? i think i have yet to meet a guy who would do the latter for me... i guess all my previous guys have been incredibly magnanimous huh?
Have you ever read the book that goes by the title of 'he's just not so into you'...or something like that? don't even remember who the author is...but i just realized i don't really need to read that book...coz i'm damn good at reading those subliminal messages that men send out when they're just not so into you anymore...
What do you do when your guy doesn't want you anymore? do you blame yourself? do you hate him for causing you pain? do you beg him to take you back and promise you'll be better? here's my 2-cent worth...don't blame yourself coz most of the time, it's not your fault...and he's not worth you putting in so much emotion as to hate him...and don't bother begging him to take you back... have some self-dignity....
Why is it when you know you're getting yourself involved in a doomed-to-fail relationship, you still hold on to your hopeless romanticism and hope against hope that somehow things will work out? i guess some of us had fairy-tale and romance overdose when we were younger...
I still have so many questions...and yet, it is probably useless to keep asking questions we don't really have answers for when things go wrong...i supposed i should really thank God for His timing... He knew i was heading for doom but He loved me so much that He didn't allow me to continue in doom...and He knew i'd be too cowardly to break free so He put it in the guy to do it...
Anyway, thanks for the good memories...though they're short-lived...thanks for being the brave one to put an end to a doomed-to-fail relationship...though i shouldn't have allowed it to start in the first place...i hope you'll be happy with your new girl...and hopefully i'll be happy with my new guy...if that ever happens...oh well, que sera sera...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
我現在的心情...
我現在的心情...太难受了...說不出来...只能够用这些歌詞来代表...
周杰倫的安靜..尤其是这段
"你要我說多難堪 我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過"
"你已經遠遠離開 我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份 安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你 是因為我太愛你"
周杰倫的說好的 幸福呢
"怎麼了 妳累了 說好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不說了 愛淡了 夢遠了我都還記得
妳不等了 說好的 幸福呢
我錯了 淚乾了 放手了 後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著 要怎麼停呢"
徐佳瑩的失落沙洲
应该是什么分手啊...备抛弃啊...很悲伤的歌啊...全都可以唱出我的感受...
为什么有些愛只能够放弃但是不能够坚持倒底?
周杰倫的安靜..尤其是这段
"你要我說多難堪 我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過"
"你已經遠遠離開 我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份 安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你 是因為我太愛你"
周杰倫的說好的 幸福呢
"怎麼了 妳累了 說好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不說了 愛淡了 夢遠了我都還記得
妳不等了 說好的 幸福呢
我錯了 淚乾了 放手了 後悔了
只是回憶的音樂盒還旋轉著 要怎麼停呢"
徐佳瑩的失落沙洲
应该是什么分手啊...备抛弃啊...很悲伤的歌啊...全都可以唱出我的感受...
为什么有些愛只能够放弃但是不能够坚持倒底?
Monday, January 4, 2010
Cats....
Watching 'Cats' in Adelaide was probably the best way to spend my new year's eve...well, i've been working most of my new year's eves for the last few years...so yea, watching 'Cats' definitely beat the other new year's eves hands down...
I've always dreamed of watching 'Cats' or some of the other more famous musicals live in the theatre but of course the only one that i've ever caught was 'Fame' the last time they came to KL... incidentally 'Cats' has just returned to Adelaide after 14 years...and their opening night was on new year's eve...i was so happy when Esther told me we'd be watching 'Cats'...since John was on call...
So i reached Adelaide on 31st morning...couldn't really sleep on the flight so caught up with my sleep debt till about lunch...then Esther brought me to this place called ETC (East Terrace Cafe) for lunch...then we went shopping coz everywhere was on sale and i was hoping i could get a more formal dress for the theatre that night...unfortunately we couldn't find anything suitable so i had to settle for the white Uluwatu lace dress that i brought along...which was a good thing coz if i didn't then i wouldn't have anything to wear...
By 5pm, we rushed back to John's apartment and quickly bathed and got ready...coz the show was starting at 6pm...we grabbed a cab and went to the Adelaide Festival Centre where the show was...it started pretty much on time..by 615pm, the Jellicle Cats all came out to play and dance...it was amazing...i loved the whole performance...of course everyone loved the song "Memory" which was mostly sang by Grizabella the Glamour Cat...but i also liked the part where magical Mr Mistoffelees came out and made Old Deuteronomy appeared again...it was a fun song and i just love Mr Mistoffelees...although he doesn't sing a solo...but he danced really well...
And the poignant moment was when in the end, Old Deuteronomy chose Grizabella to be the Jellicle Cat who would be reborn....what a beautiful and touching climax to the show...
After that, Esther and i went to this Italian restaurant called Amalfi for dinner...we were back at the apartment by 10pm i think....and i was almost asleep by the time the clock struck midnight to usher in the new year....anyway happy new year!!!
I've always dreamed of watching 'Cats' or some of the other more famous musicals live in the theatre but of course the only one that i've ever caught was 'Fame' the last time they came to KL... incidentally 'Cats' has just returned to Adelaide after 14 years...and their opening night was on new year's eve...i was so happy when Esther told me we'd be watching 'Cats'...since John was on call...
So i reached Adelaide on 31st morning...couldn't really sleep on the flight so caught up with my sleep debt till about lunch...then Esther brought me to this place called ETC (East Terrace Cafe) for lunch...then we went shopping coz everywhere was on sale and i was hoping i could get a more formal dress for the theatre that night...unfortunately we couldn't find anything suitable so i had to settle for the white Uluwatu lace dress that i brought along...which was a good thing coz if i didn't then i wouldn't have anything to wear...
By 5pm, we rushed back to John's apartment and quickly bathed and got ready...coz the show was starting at 6pm...we grabbed a cab and went to the Adelaide Festival Centre where the show was...it started pretty much on time..by 615pm, the Jellicle Cats all came out to play and dance...it was amazing...i loved the whole performance...of course everyone loved the song "Memory" which was mostly sang by Grizabella the Glamour Cat...but i also liked the part where magical Mr Mistoffelees came out and made Old Deuteronomy appeared again...it was a fun song and i just love Mr Mistoffelees...although he doesn't sing a solo...but he danced really well...
And the poignant moment was when in the end, Old Deuteronomy chose Grizabella to be the Jellicle Cat who would be reborn....what a beautiful and touching climax to the show...
After that, Esther and i went to this Italian restaurant called Amalfi for dinner...we were back at the apartment by 10pm i think....and i was almost asleep by the time the clock struck midnight to usher in the new year....anyway happy new year!!!
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