Today is the first time i ever felt like quitting...for real...

I got transferred to a new rotation after i got back from a great holiday...i've always hated that unit even as a HO...you know how when you come back from a real high to a real low? that's like a great height to fall from...and today is the first time i ever felt like quitting..for real..one of our patient, a 15 year-old girl with history of cancer was admitted for ascites...we drained out about 1.5L from her abdomen 2 days ago...she felt better....this afternoon, when i was about to do my pm round, the nurse informed my HO that the patient's blood pressure dropped drastically...so the HO told me and we went to check on the patient...

So i gave her fluids...and do the necessary investigations...she looked quite drowsy and ill...i told my colleague who in turn told my consultant (who happened to come for pm round)...i thought he'd come to see the patient...but he didn't...my colleague came to help but as she was on call, she had to go to OT for a case...so i was resuscitating the patient with the help of the nurses and 2 HOs...we put in a central venous line...put in a urinary catheter to monitor her urine...tapped her abdomen coz it was so grossly distended and tense...by the time we did all these, it was after 6pm...

I was about to go home and wanted to have a last look at the patient to make sure she was ok...that was when i noticed she suddenly became unresponsive and looked like she was having a tonic fit... had to intubate her immediately...but of course, since this was in the ward, immediately took like forever...and the on call HO in-charge of my patient was an ultra-imbecile...thank God the other 2 on call HOs who were helping me were capable...i think Murphy's law was at work today...whatever that could go wrong, did...

I was in the ward till 830pm plus...we did CPR 3 times for the patient...shocked her twice...overloaded her...she went into acute renal failure...i just couldn't save her...she couldn't even live to celebrate Hari Raya tomorrow...i didn't watch her die...i left the hospital after ICU called to transfer her...i thought she would make it...or at least i prayed she would...but one of the on call HO msged me after i got home that she passed away...

I'm just so angry at the whole thing...at myself, at the bloody imbecile HO, at my boss, at my colleague...i shouldn't have to stay to settle patients after office hour when there're on call MOs...and i shouldn't have to be angry at stupid HOs even though they are stupid...i shouldn't have to be angry at my boss for not caring for his own patients...and i shouldn't have to be angry at my colleague because she left me alone to resuscitate this patient...but i'm angry at myself for feeling all these... i shouldn't even care...patients die anyway...in 2 days, none of the ppl involved in the situation would remember the patient...but it will haunt me...for a while...

I need to get a new job...where i won't have to see patients die...cause patients' death...maybe i really should go to NZ and become a seasonal fruit-picker/packer...or maybe i should become a wedding planner...at least i'll make ppl happy...instead of killing ppl...