Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough...

    Most of us children of the 80s would probably have heard of this song called 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough' sung by Patty Smyth and Don Henley in the early 90s...I've always thought it was a really sad song...the idealist cannot except the fact that sometimes, love really just ain't enough...and as the idealist became more jaded by the world, it became clear that really, sometimes love just ain't enough...to sustain a long distance relationship ...to overcome the odds of 2 people from different worlds staying committed to a long-term relationship....or even for the union of 'a daughter of Christ' and 'a son of Lucifer'...

    Heard the song playing on LiteFM (thanks to my bro) yesterday while on the way to attend a distant cousin's wedding...can't help thinking that the song tugged at a raw nerve...

Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

 

    Oh well, perhaps human love isn't enough...but i choose to believe that God's love is enough...although sometimes we are wretched enough to celebrate the birth of Christ (who is God's love incarnate) in the most undeserving way... may the Lord forgive those of us who have forsaken His Love to chase after meaningless endeavour...

Post free flap frenzy depression....

        I'm not sure if it's a combination of exhaustion and days of sleep debt, but free flap frenzy always leave me at a low when it's finally over...We've practically been living in the OT since Sunday till Wednesday for flap OT after flap OT...I was a bit luckier as I went back earlier on Sunday as I was pre-call and on Tuesday as I was post-call...but we were up whole night on Monday and I only got home past midnight on Wednesday...by Thursday we were all ready to just go into hibernation...I think the late nights were getting to the bosses as well and us seniors were bearing the brunt...Yea, I know, it's part of the learning process to be hammered for everything you didn't do right in the bosses' eyes...but when tension is high and your nerves are frazzled and frayed, all those hammering can leave you feeling less than appreciative (or appreciated)...
        And so Thursday finally came...and I was overjoyed and felt really grateful that this crazy week has come to an end...and yet there I was, feeling low and depressed as well...I wished I had somebody to talk to and unload the burden that's weighing me down...then I realized that I didn't have that somebody...no one whom I can run to for words of comfort...who'd just listen to my complaints with empathy and understanding...who'd remind me he'll always be there for me no matter how much turmoil and ugliness I feel within me...and that realization plunged me further into my depth of despair....coz it's really sad when you seem to be not alone but deep down you actually feel alone...
         But I really shouldn't be complaining...I may not have a physical person whom I can confide in...but I have the God of the heavens and earth who knows my anguish and despair...and He will lift my soul and help me rise again... I think I shall go repay my sleep debt now...

Poisoned again....

I've been a little lacking in the motivation and inspiration department lately... I know I should be studying like mad for my 2nd attempt of finals but I just feel so unmotivated... not to mention tired... the free flap frenzy has barely begun and I've only had an episode of 'all-nighter' in the OT a few days back and I felt dead already... definitely getting old... So instead, I've been watching a Taiwanese idol drama titled 'In Time With You' (or in Chinese 我可能不会爱你)... Bf doesn't think I should be watching dramas coz it will take up a lot of my time... Well, it's just a one-off thing... I hope...and this series only have 13 episodes... I've watched longer series...

So this was the first series that appeared at vikidrama when I searched... And the storyline caught my attention... seemed like something I could relate to... a pair of guy-girl best friends forever since high school... each one is always in a relationship when the other isn't... neither approved of each others' tastes in partner selection... And so, after 15 years of friendship, they were both at the marriageable age of 30... also the beginning of 'aging'... so the girl went through a list of men in her life that may be spouse material...but they were either men incapable of being loyal, or gay...and the only man who really understood her was her best friend... but then her best friend had told her early in their friendship that "he would never possibly fall in love with her"...except that he was actually totally in love with her but had tried very hard not to fall in love with her...why would a guy be so stupid as to not want to confess his love to a girl he is totally in love with yea? But there were lines from the drama which went like these: 拥有是失去的开始...友情会比爱情更长久... which I can actually relate to...

There was a guy back in high school whom I literally fell in love at first sight with... unfortunately the feeling was not reciprocal...so we were just friends....and then we became buddies for life...he would consult me for girl problems, and i would complain to him about the lack of male love interests in my life... But I suppose I'm more fortunate than the male lead in that I've managed to fall out of love with my guy bff... and when he got married, I didn't even have to watch a rerun of "My Best Friend's Wedding" and cry myself to sleep... We're both busy with our own lives now... We still keep in touch with each other... but not like how we used to... but I know we can still count on each other when we need each other...

Then there was another guy whom I hung with and considered a bff... we hung out for quite a few years... I never thought I would develop any romantic feelings for him as I was in a relationship with someone else...and so was he... but eventually I was thinking about him a lot... and I thought that I might have some romantic feelings for him after all... and i thought that maybe he should know how i felt... so I found the courage to confess my feelings and made a total fool out of myself... as it turned out, he only treated me like his sister all the while... so i moved on... and now we have fallen out of touch... all because i made the mistake of confessing my stupid feelings... so yea, that's why I can understand why the male lead never dared to reveal his feelings for his best friend...coz in case the feeling wasn't mutual, he would lose her forever...

Anyhow, the series had a happy ending as expected... through a series of events which included an ex-gf of the male lead telling the female lead that the male lead was totally in love with her...the female lead's cheating ex-bf coming back into her life and wanting to marry her... the male lead leaving the country to nurse his broken heart...but eventually the female lead realized that the man she really loved was her best friend... and the guy-girl bff eventually got married... I've always thought the notion of marrying one's best friend a romantic one... there may not be the high of "falling in love" and courtship and dates... but those things don't guarantee a permanent marriage... or a happy one... I know i'm guilty of chasing after all that when i was younger... but i'm older now... and perhaps a little more grown up and hopefully wiser now... somehow i don't think i'm capable of handling the emotional high of "falling in love" with someone anymore... anyway, there's only one thing i hope that wouldn't happen after watching this series... it's that no guy whom i used to harbour feelings for would suddenly decide he wants to confess his love for me just when i'm about to get married and prepare for my happily ever after... i'd definitely punch him in the face...

Another 6 months...

So I did not pass my finals...and so although I'm still a Miss, but I'm not a Ms yet...it's not a big deal really, many ppl do not pass their finals on the 1st attempt...I wouldn't be the first person anyway...nevertheless, it's still a massive blow to me...as one of my uni mate commented, it's more difficult for me as I've never failed before (which btw is not true as I have failed before, just not finals)...the thing is, all my life, I've always linked passing exams (especially with flying colours) to blessings by God...don't get me wrong, I put in my effort and share of hard work but I've always felt that it was God's grace, miracle and blessing that I did well in my exams...that's why not passing my finals hit me so hard...it was like God has withheld His blessing from me...the miracle that I prayed so hard for did not happen...totally shattered my confidence...

So it was decided for me by my uni bosses that I shall be doing my remedial back in uni for the next 6 months...a decision which I welcomed with arms and heart wide open...I've had enough of my time in my outcampus hospital...what initially was supposed to be a respite from my crazy work schedule in uni had become a nightmare of a workplace and eventually, my downfall...according to my uni boss, I had allowed those ppl to totally destroy my confidence...in part, it was the fault of my character weakness to have allowed them to bully me...but mostly, I hope karma will grip them like a dog gripping its bone...

So apparently I failed because I did not have the confidence to become a specialist...my uni boss consoled me by saying that my theory marks were among the highest (although i'm sure they were a far cry from the As I used to get - how the mighty has fallen)...and in fact, my total marks were higher than some of those who passed...but yea, I failed because I did not have the confidence to express my knowledge during most of my clinical sessions...and so, I have another 6 months (or so) to "find back my old self, the one who used to do well while in uni" (quoted verbatim from my uni boss)...

I'm sure there's something good that will emerge from this tragedy of my life...not sure what it will be...only God knows of His plans for me...but until I passed my finals, wedding bells will continue to be a distant dream, while my ova continue to waste away...

擦肩而过

      So I've been neglecting my blog for a while now. Somehow I've lost the excitement of blogging about everything that happens in my life. Either that or there's nothing exciting to blog about anymore. Anyway, something happened recently that got me ruminating about fate, serendipity and destiny. Or the lack of it. I know I should be ruminating on my textbooks and journal articles now that my finals is in a month's time. But hey, a girl's gotta get something out of her system so she can concentrate on studying. So I typed this in Chinese (just for practice and perhaps the melancholic touch?). I might write an English version on this one if I ever get about doing it. Anyway, to those who read Chinese, please forgive me for any wrong words (I'm a Chinese dyslexic). And to those who don't, Mozilla firefox has an add-on to help you read Chinese. Enjoy....

擦肩而过

那天，我好像看见你了。但我心理想，怎么可能？ 你在那么遥远的地方。 但那个男生真的很像你哦。 他等着过马路，其实我该走过去确定一下，却没做到。过了几天，看到你的 facebook 照片, 是你的结婚照。 那一刻，除了感到可惜，我都没感到难过或遗憾。 也没掉眼泪。 感觉可惜，是因为我们的缘分就到此为止。 这样也算是一种结束吧。 原来那天真的是你。 老天也很幽默。 连你要结婚的前一天他还让我们擦肩而过。 是老天安排吗？ 给我机会见你最后一面。 那又怎样？ 如果你听到我的声音，就会复刻回忆吗？ 会改变未来吗？ 我们本来就没有过去, 又那里会有未来。 也许没听到你说 ＂我要结婚了＂就不会破坏我对你那些年的回忆吧。

说起来，我们的故事算是漫长的一部电影。 也有十八年了。 那年我十六岁。 第一次遇见你是靠近圣诞节。还记得你们在台上合唱圣诞歌，我却只听到你的声音。 就这样暗恋了你。 我不敢和你说话。 只能偷偷问姐姐你的名字。

后来你来我家。 是找我姐姐。 我没失望反而很高兴。 能见到你第二次就是我们的缘分。 我勇敢的跟你打招呼，你却只跟我姐姐讲话。 我不怪你。 你都还没认识我。

过了几个月，我们又见面了。 那天是在教堂。 第三次了。 这样还不算有缘分吗？ 那天我们终于当朋友了。 也认识了你另位两个朋友。 我门四个一起走路回家。 一路走，一路谈。 和你一起走，好像这个世界只有我门两个人存在。 多希望那条路是走不完的。 那我们的约会就不会结束了。 我忘了我们是否有交换电话号码。 没差啦。 反正我也不敢打电话给你。 而你， 过了那天，也没打过电话给我。

Upper Six 那年，学校搞了 Prom Night。 我最好的姐妹告诉我她跟你的朋友去。 我就拜托我的好姐妹问你是否可以做我的伴。 到最后你没回答， 我就跟别人去了。 其实我多么希望陪我跳舞那晚的是你。

然后我听到消息你出国了。 我们追求同一个梦想在不同的地方。 多年后，我们彼此都有彼此的事业。 忽然有一天你加入了我在 facebook。 我很惊悉。 在网上，我们的距离好像变近了。 那些年的沉默已变了话题。 后来你回国了。 是过年的时候。 刚好彼此有空，就约了见面。 可能时间淡了我对你的感觉。 当我遇见你了，我已不觉得你很帅。 我心理问自己，到底以前喜欢你什么？ 其实，你样子没变到。 而且性格也一样。 那为什么以前的感觉不见了？ 也许是我变了。 也许我长大了。 但我有点感动。 因为你还记得我多年前告诉过你的话。 你说你记得我把正个周期表都倍数了。 连我自己都不记得了。 可能那时候我说那些是因为要让你注意我吧。我在想，我留给你的印象有多深？

后来我们在 facebook 还有联络。 但越来越少话题。 最后， 就断了联络。 只剩下每年的生日祝福。 我一直不敢问你是否有了心理的另一半。 偶尔看到你的 facebook 照片，好像猜到了。原来我猜对了。 你娶的就是那个女人。

其实我真的替你高兴。 我真的祝你新婚快乐，白头偕老。 希望你也会祝福我。 原来这一辈子有些人的缘分只能擦肩而过。我也该把握我自己的幸福吧。