How about another drama worthy of Grey's Anatomy?

Ok, i've been having a lot of random thoughts lately...to help distract me from ruminating about the core issues that are clouding over my life...so i thought up this plot that may make good drama for Grey's Anatomy...

So there's K, who used to date W for a long time...W is a really great guy but somehow things didn't work out for K and W...coz K is this girl who doesn't seem to know what she wants...then there's H and Y...H is this nice shy guy who is really into Y...but unfortunately, Y is probably not as into H since she wants to pursue her career and wants to put her love life on hold...but actually, Y likes W...even when W was still with K...in fact, Y was very concern when K and W broke up...but due to geographical circumstances, somehow W ended up dating another girl, F...anyway, K and H see each other a lot at work due to unavoidable circumstances...K and H are as different as the moon is from the sun...but since K never seems to know what she wants, she thinks she likes H...of course H doesn't like K...coz he's not over Y yet...

But since K is too proud for her own good, she won't allow anyone to know that she likes H...then K found out that there was another girl, C who is obsessed about H...C became obsessively jealous that K and H seem to be very close to each other....C is actually emotionally unstable...so one day, C came up to K and threatened her with a knife...C asked K to leave H alone or C would get rid off K...of course K said there was nothing going on between her and H...but since C has lost her marbles...she stabbed K anyway...H witnessed all the drama and rushed to the injured K...that's when H realized that he can't live without K...

So H carried K straight to the OT...got the surgeons to save her life...K almost died of massive blood loss from the stab wound...but since this is Grey's Anatomy, obviously K didn't die...K recuperated in ICU for about 2 weeks...all the while H took care of her...and H even told her that he loved K...but K thought that H only did that becoz he felt guilty...so K didn't accept H's love...coz K didn't want a guy to be with her out of pity or guilt...she felt that it's the worst kind of relationship...but H was really sincere...so he didn't give up and kept pursuing K......to be continued...hehe

How's that for a complicated love drama huh? maybe i should write up the screenplay and send it to the producers of Grey's Anatomy huh? or maybe it'd make a better taiwan idol series...hahahaha....i don't suppose there's a happy ending to this fiction...i can just hear boss' voice droning into my ear telling me to study instead of waste my time on unproductive thoughts...sigh...

Khalil is having his concert in Malaysia!!!! AAAAHHH!!!!!

OMG!!!! This is too good to be true....i just found out that Khalil will be having a concert in Malaysia on 29 May...i wish it was on 28 May instead but one can't really ask for too much yea? it will still be my best birthday present ever...well, i'll just have to make sure i get the first row ticket....and this time must make better preparation...oh, i do wish they have radio contests to win tickets to the concert and backstage passes or something like that...oh gosh!!!i think i'll be on cloud nine the whole year round...my dream is coming true again!!!!

Need to contact some people from Warner to see if there's any chance i could get complimentary tickets...hehe...maybe that's a bit stretching it...but it's always worth a try...anything to be as close to Khalil...hahahaha...gosh!!! i'm sounding demented....i just can't help myself...i don't think there's anyone else who can get me as excited as Khalil...as i've said before...and i'll say it again...his music touches my soul!!!

Anyway, on another note, i've finally managed to start working out again today....after what felt like ages...it felt good to work out again...though i'm a lot less fit than i used to be...but i still managed to keep up on my elliptical trainer for 1/2 hour...not too bad lah...need to keep up the good work...at least until after my birthday...hehe...now i have a new motivation to keep working out...can't be looking plumpy when i see Khalil again...

I think i'll be grinning like Cheshire while i'm sleeping tonight...ahhh...the little joys in life that make life a little more bearable and less mundane....

A call filled with nightmares....

So i was on call again yesterday...you know what they say about never changing your calls? the call you changed to will be worse than your original call...not sure how true that holds...but mine greeted me in the morning with a patient desaturating...best thing was, the aunty was an orthopaedic patient... just transferred out from ICU the day before...she was on tracheostomy....and bloody hell, the orthopaedic HOs in charge of the ward was nowhere to be seen...apparently they were at their 'morning prayer'...but really, if any of them had been reviewing the patient that morning they would have noticed that the patient was struggling to breathe through her bloody blocked trachy tube.... when i find out who were the HOs in charge of the ward, they'd better be saying their prayers...

The orthopaedic nurses were frantically trying to call the HOs...and all my surgical HOs were hanging around at the counter...and all of them developed sudden deafness to the desperate cries of the nurses...so i went to see the patient...she was not breathing...saturation was 60%...and her daughter was crying as if she was dead....for a while i thought she was dead too...but i shook her and she started breathing...and guess what? the idiot nurse left the suction catheter in the trachy tube lumen which was already blocked with secretion...if that's not murder 1st degree then this world has no justice...oh wait, there isn't...

And there were no gloves around...all the boxes i reached out for were empty...which only further aggravated my anger...i suctioned the patient's secretion...it was so damn thick i wouldn't be surprised her tube was blocked...i asked for a new 7.5 tube and they didn't bloody have it in the ward...i think it took about 15 mins before they got the stuffs for me to change the tube...good thing aunty was breathing....so after i changed her tube, her saturation picked up to about 89%....some of the surgical HOs were helping me and then the ortho HOs came...i told them, they should never ever let patients die becoz of blocked tubes...that's pure murder...

Then my boss came and saw me resuscitating an ortho patient...they already finished reviewing the female ward...i was like crap!!....so i let the ortho HOs continue with the patient....after i walked off then i realized what i didn't do...i totally forgot to bag the patient...good thing the patient wasn't apnoiec...ish!!! out of ICU less than 3 months and my resuscitation skills are going down the drain... sigh...and i was quite pissed half of the day due to the whole incident...and not a word of thanks from the ortho MO...who probably was never aware of the whole incident...i just pity the patient...coz her tube will get blocked again...and the next time, i might not happen to be around to help....

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful...a few admissions in the male and female ward...did an appendicectomy from 1.45am-2.45am...thought could sleep since they postponed the obstructed hernia...then the Kudat patient arrived...she had multiple left ribs fracture and some haemothorax...and had fluctuating GCS....otherwise vitals were stable...so after reviewing her, i went to sleep while the patient waited for the neurosurgery review...her CT scan showed traumatic SAH...

I had about 3 hours of very interrupted sleep...but i still managed to have a nightmare...i almost woke up screaming...i dreamt that i was kissing a person whom even in my wildest imagination/dreams, i would never have dreamt of kissing..and this happened in a lift..i need to avoid lifts and start using the stairs only..gosh!!! this is bad...i must be getting really desperate...i told Cam about it and she said i need a therapist...i need serious shrink help... arrrgghh!!! worse still, in my nightmare, the guy didn't kiss me back...talk about serious rejection...totally bad for my morale...bbrrrr!!! *shiver*

Oh well, gonna pay back my sleep debt...hopefully no more nightmares...tonight gonna join the paed MOs in their steamboat ritual...yummy...nite...

Black & White Bash

Last Sunday this hermit shed her shell and actually went for the Medical Department's Black and White Bash...Pang and Sharon asked me to go...so i thought what the heck...as it is i hardly have time to meet them...so it was worth braving agoraphobia to get a chance to have dinner with them...

I was actually post call on Sunday...it was an amazingly good Saturday call actually...considering that i was on call with boss...i hardly had to call him...so i went to church after morning round...then went for lunch with Becky at Suria Sabah...the new addition to KK's overload of retail shopping...the place was still almost empty...but i still managed to buy a pair of sandals and two books...yes, i bought Lewis Carroll's Alice Adventures in Wonderland and its sequel Through the Looking Glass...:)...haven't start reading them yet though...coz i promised that i'll only read them after i finish one folder of boss' notes...

Came home and slept for an hour...then had to get up and get ready for the dinner...Pang and Sharon came to pick me up but they were early, so i had to rush with my make-up...thank God i didn't look like i had panda eyes...Pang told me the dress code was smart casual..of course most ladies (and at least half of the men) who attended the dinner were dressed up till the nine...good thing i didn't listen to Pang and wore jeans and t-shirt...

The event was quite fun actually...the performances were quite good...there was this HO who could have given Celine Dion a run for her money...her voice was so powerful...one of the Medical MO also sang very well too...she was Lady Gaga of the night...food wasn't too bad...and it was good to be at the same table with Pang, Sharon, Yau Piow and Wendy and their daughter Amy...it was such a joy to watch Amy running around happily...

Well, i supposed it was good for hermits like me to stay in contact with the real world...i can't be living in my own world only...

Read read read....

It's amazing i haven't start getting nightmares about being bombarded by boss with questions i can never seem to answer....i guess it's coz it's been happening on a daily basis that my subconscious has been dulled...plus the fact that these days i don't seem to be able to sleep long enough to reach the REM sleep for dreams to happen...and no, my sleep deprivation is not due to insomnia...in fact, i think i've been cured of my sleepless at night problem...it's just that i've been on call so often and been coming home late from work that i just feel tired most of the time...i haven't been working out since this year started...

And big boss and boss have been drumming into my head to "read, read, read"...and they didn't mean reading story books or novels...they meant surgical textbooks...sigh...i supposed i can't put that off much longer...so i've actually started reading boss' notes...well, progress is slow...and i can't seem to remember anything i've read...but i guess it's good that i've finally started studying again....i should reward myself with a new novel next month if i managed to read a whole folder of boss' notes....i'm thinking maybe a certain classic revolving around a girl named Alice....

I had 5 appendicectomies during my call on Wednesday...i should have been able to practice on that but unfortunately the HOs wanted to do them...i actually dislike the idea of supervising HOs doing appendicectomy...coz i'm not proficient enough to do any damage control if they screwed up....which would bound to happen...and which happened to the 3 appendicectomies which i allowed the HOs to perform....sigh....i don't think i can take the stress...and to think that the poor patients would have to suffer under my hands...have i not enough blood on my head from my GA times?

I'm just praying that nothing would happen to those patients...as in they won't come back with complications....sigh...i supposed that should be motivation enough for me to study so that i know what i'm doing....well, time to get back to my notes...

What a start to a day....

Some days you wake up and feel ready to face the world...and as soon as you step out into the world, disasters start to happen...today is one of those days for me...for the record, days like these happen more often than not lately...for me at least...

Well, for consolation at least Sunday was a good day...i went to church after morning round...and i got the "Kathleen, how are you? haven't seen you for a LONG time...been busy?" line from the usher...sigh, yea i know i know...i've been doing some MIA...and i was asleep most part of the sermon...and so was the guy sitting next to me...anyway, after church Flora, Becky, Christine (and baby) and i went for lunch...then Becky and i went to watch Alice in Wonderland...any Johnny Depp movie would be a good movie...but Anne Hathaway looked quite weird as the White Queen...had a good nap after i went home...and had a good jap dinner with Elaine, Siang Lin and Suet Lai...came home and studied a little...while chatting...hehe...well, i can multitask...

So this morning i woke up as usual to prepare to go to work...i'm on call today....i was just reversing my car and turning when i drove up the curb...and what do you know? my left front tyre burst...it was pretty funny...but i wasn't really in the mood to laugh...coz i needed to get to work in time and there was no way i could have changed the tyre and drove to work, in time...so i had to call Yap to come pick me up...so paiseh had to inconvenient him...so i messaged boss to tell him i would be a little late for work...when i reached the ward, he was just coming out from it....he saw me and shook his head and said, "i already expected something would happen this morning"....dang! talk about making an impression with the boss...

Oh well, i can't help it if my luck is in the dumps lately...but thank God for dependable friends...Pang is really God-sent...coz i saw him in ICU while we were doing round there...and he agreed to help me change my tyre since he wasn't on call today...God bless him....well, at least thus far my call has been quiet...if things get any worse, i'd be wishing for pivalsher to shrink myself so i can hide from the world...but for now, i wouldn't mind watching Hatter do the futtenwacken....i need cheering up....

Maybe i'm being paranoid...but i can't help feeling that there's an unseen force in charge of unforeseen circumstances who has decided to play major pranks in my life...really, 2 burst tyres within a month? not forgetting all the disasters with the OT lists...oh, Lord...have mercy on me...

Am i 'hot' or what?

The Tuesday that just passed, i was doing Queen call...and boss was on call too....before i go on further, i would like to clarify the term 'hot' used in the title...being 'hot' during your call is nothing remotely close to being a hot babe (i'm not that perasan ok)....if you have 'hot' calls means your calls are crazy busy....

Anyway, i'm actually too worn out to elaborate on the details...but i had 4 UGIB referrals, 5 obstructive jaundice referrals, a few appendices, a carbuncle and 3 peripheral referrals (just to highlight the 'few')...thank God my referrals only came after i finished clinic....and lunch...hehe...boss told big boss and he was like "HAH!!! how can you get so many UGIB and obstructive jaundice in a day??!!!" that coming from big boss kinda stamped the 'hot' on my calls...

But i don't think it's just me...boss should take some responsibility since he was on call as well...he's also super 'hot'...so i suppose our combination is explosive, hehe...while i was busy seeing those UGIB, boss actually came with big boss to casualty...dang! quite paiseh....but thankfully boss diverted 2 of the UGIB to medical...so i only managed to sleep about 3 hours plus during that call...

I'm post call today....yesterday's call was with lady boss...and it wasn't too bad...we had a laparotomy after clinic...before we managed to have lunch with the whole surgery gang...then it was quiet till night...had an appendicectomy which i waited for 2 hours before we could actually start the operation....halfway through the op, the HO on call in male ward called to inform me a patient passed away....he was DIL/DNR...so no resuscitation done...

After the op i went up just to check on another uncle whose lungs were quite bad due to hospital acquired pneumonia...that was about 2am...i found him drowning in his own secretions, without his oxygen mask on his face and his saturation was 77% on air....and the HO was sleeping, and the nurses were busy on Facebook...would anyone blame me for burning with anger at such negligence? if i didn't come to check on the uncle, he might have died of hypoxia by the time the nurses passover at 7am and then only noticed to be dead....such unacceptable work ethics....

I was coaxing the uncle to wear his oxygen mask...and doing vigorous chest physio and suction for him...i had to ask the HO to help me...and the nurses didn't even bother to help...i tried every measure to help him but his saturation only picked up to about 95%....so in the end i referred him for ICU admission coz i knew he was gonna die if he was left in the ward....and i wasn't about to let another patient die during my call...

By this morning when i saw uncle in ICU, he was already intubated and developed VT and his blood pressure was low, requiring inotrope....and i only had 2 hours of sleep...of course today was another adventure on its own...i called the patients for tomorrow's locum OT one last time just to confirm their admission...i've done that earlier and all patients confirmed that they were coming...but then when i called one of the old uncle, i found out that he was admitted for complete heart block last Friday and had a pacemaker inserted...i was like, SHIT!!!!

So i called boss and he told me to cancel the case and find another patient to replace him...so i drove like a maniac to the clinic coz there was mortality meeting at 1030am and i had to present case reports...thank God boss came to help look for potential patients...it was really not easy to get someone to go for op last minute...but we finally managed to get a patient....so i thought crisis settled...and the rest of the day was quite uneventful....

After HO teaching, we went back to SMC to do pm round...and we found out that one of the patient for op tomorrow was still on clopidogrel...no one asked her to stop it at least 10 days before her op date...i almost died...things couldn't get any worse...so i had to re-print the OT list to avoid cancellation on our stats...and thank God boss managed to find another patient to put on the list... sigh, how much bad luck can befall a person in a day huh? but really thank God we managed to settle all the hassle and blunders...but all these 'disasters' must really make me look bad in front of boss...

Oh well, i'm just too tired to care...i need to rest...tomorrow another 5 hours of OT...let's hope no more disaster tomorrow....

Multitasking....

I practically spent my whole call in the OT yesterday....i only came out of it about 4am this morning.... we had 3 appendicectomies, a wound exploration and T & S, a laparotomy with bowel resection and primary anastomosis and a diagnostic laparoscopy and proceed...i was also assisting the urology surgeon in another surgery...

And there were quite a few admissions...one of which my 2nd MO had to settle and send to ICU... coz the patient had a perforated gastric ulcer and she was in sepsis...so anyway, my HO and i did the last 2 appendicectomies from 1230am till about 4am....yea i know...damn slow...coz i haven't been doing many appendicectomies...coz i have to let the hoardes of HOs do appendicectomies...as it is i'm not even proficient in my own appendicectomy, i still have to 'supervise' the HOs...it's like the blind leading the blind...

One of the appendicectomy patient had pus in her pelvis...most probably PID...so had to washout...so took some time...then the last appendicectomy, the GA MO on call already went to sleep...so the GA MA asked me to help him induce the patient...and so i did...i let the HO intubate but he kept intubating the oesophagus until the patient's saturation dropped to about 56%...so i had to take over and bagged him till the saturation picked up...it wasn't a difficult intubation...i guess i haven't lost my GA touch :P....the nurses said it's like private style...induce by yourself, operate by yourself...and earn all the money for yourself...hahahaha....

I let the HO openf the patient...took us some time to find the appendix but i managed to...then i let the HO clamp and cut the appendix...unfortunately, he almost torn off the base coz it was friable...so i had to try to bury the stump coz i was afraid it would leak... but i hadn't buried a stump before...took me 2 tries before i succeeded...phew!! hopefully it won't leak lah...

This morning i still had to settle the OT list for Monday...everything just doesn't seem to be going right...i just don't understand why when i'm doing the OT list then things doesn't go according to plan...if cases get cancelled tomorrow, i'm gonna look damn bad in front of the bosses...it'll look like i can't seem to do anything right...urgh!!! then i had to tell the lady whom we cancelled to go home coz we didn't have time for her case to be slot in for tomorrow...good thing she didn't scold me this time...coz i was tired enough not to care about other people's feeling and would have shouted back at her if she scolded me again...

Sigh...i didn't join surgery to do these things...but apparently it's part of the job criteria...tomorrow's gonna be another long day...

Down....

Today started out fine....Elaine called during lunch and we planned to go for karaoke session after i finish work...today we had OT from 2-8pm....so i'd be only free after 8pm...but i was quite geared up for our 'tuition' session since it has been very long since we had one....

So i was in OT till about almost 6pm...i told boss i'd go do round....when i went to the ward, the HO told me there was an elective admission...the patient was one of the few patients that i was supposed to call to cancel her op on Monday...coz we have to put in the cancer patients since their cases are more urgent...her op was laparoscopic cholecystectomy for cholelithiasis...and she had been asymptomatic for the last 6 months...

Anyway, her op had been cancelled 3 times before...once was becoz she didn't stop her aspirin a week prior to the op date...of course this was probably the fault on our side for failing to inform her to do so...but i did try to call this patient for the last few days to inform her not to get admitted....however, the phone number written in the major OT book was not in service...and i didn't manage to check her old notes for other contact numbers that i may call...ok, that was my fault lah... but she didn't have to scold me like as if i was the one who decided to cancel her op...i tried explaining and apologizing to her but she just kept raising her voice and scolding me...so i told her i'll ask my boss to talk to her when he has finish his op....

I brought boss to see her after we finished seeing some patients who needed new interventions... she didn't even dare to raise her voice a bit...although still can see that she was pissed lah...stupid woman...just coz i'm a lady...and happen to look young...then she thinks she can bully and scold me...but she didn't dare to scold boss coz he's a guy...boss was saying that i looked too small, that's why kena bully...one of the disadvantages of looking young and being short...urgh!!! Chinese people can be such bitches sometimes...

I totally lost my mood for karaoke already....was just about to call Elaine when she called...she said she was out for dinner with Flora and Agnes...and Agnes' car window got smashed...and Flora's backpack was stolen from the car...talk about having bad days...how can everyone around me is having a bad day as well? i supposed compared to Flora and Agnes, mine wasn't too bad already...so i guess i shouldn't complain too much...so i just told Elaine that we just cancel our plan...and i came home and had dinner alone...at times like this, i really wished i had someone to complain to...oh well, at least i have this blog as my outlet...

It's quite frustrating that we have to cancel our cases as now our OT time has been lessen due to the lack of OTs thanks to the rut we're in...i supposed i understand the patient's anger and indignity...if i were in her shoes i'd be damn pissed off as well...but it's not like i was being rude to her...all the while when she was scolding me, i never once raised my voice back at her...if it was other people, sure they don't give her face and scold back de...

Sigh...and there's another Chinese patient that i couldn't contact for Wednesday op..also need to cancel him...die lah...sure kena marah again...why do i always have to be the one who gets scolded? life sucks....:(

Moving on...

We're into the 3rd month of the year....time sure flies...and people continue moving on...whether i am or not...i think at this moment in life, i'm just drifting along the tides of time...slowly ebbing away...

Here's a proof of how people around me (or used to be around me) are moving on...my ex-boyfriend of 5 years whom i broke up with a little more than 2 years ago is currently dating someone else...i mentioned it to Cam and she said "Oh, so fast found someone new"...exactly my sentiment...and ex-bf used to remind me more often than not that "he loves me more than i love him"...so much for that...

Though Cam also reminded me that i was also 'dating' someone recently...but i told her that was not counted...it was a 'relationship-suicide' move from the beginning anyway...and we didn't even live in the same country while we were supposedly 'dating'...but the bottomline is that while my ex-bf is happily dating someone new, i am not...though i am not being miserably single...

It's not like the news of my ex-bf dating someone new affects me emotionally...i'm glad that he actually found someone new that would make him happy...kind of lessen my guilt-burden for breaking up with him 2 years ago...but i can't help wondering, what about me? when will i meet the guy whom i'll want to spend the rest of my life with? the one who completes me? my soulmate? my one and only?

As much as i like being single, i know that i don't have the emotional (perhaps the genetic) make-up to be single indeterminately...i need to have someone i want...who wants me too...i need to have someone to love...who will love me back...may God reveal to me the elusive soulmate whom i've been waiting for all my life...who've been waiting for me all his life too...

Right, i should just go to sleep now and dream...my sleep has been dreamless lately...good night...