It's over....

After 5 days of wake, today (Sunday) was the day Pa would be cremated...the past few days had been surreal...it was like i was in someone else's house everytime i stepped down into the living room...the casket with a man sleeping peacefully inside...it doesn't belong to this house...yet when i looked inside, i saw Pa...it wasn't the Pa that i want to remember...he was a body that no longer belong to this world...

Night after night they chanted Buddhist prayers for him...Pa's old friends and colleagues came to pay the last respect...Ma's friends, the neighbourhood friends, Jie, Simon and Pei's friends also came...some of my friends came too...really appreciated them coming but i wasn't really in the mood to socialize...i wanted to be alone...to think about Pa...but then i realized that there's so many things i didn't know about this man i called Pa...i've spent the last 10 years trying to be detached from my family that i never knew what my Pa liked to eat, what he did in his pasttimes, the places he has been to, the music he loved to listen to...i didn't bother getting to know my Pa while he was still around...

Many of Pa's friends came for the cremation ceremony...my friends Ah Liam, Twink, Vincent and Joe came too...was really glad for their support...i tried very hard not to cry...because we were told that we shouldn't cry so that Pa's soul can depart peacefully...but after the casket was lowered into the crematorium, i was hugging Pei and crying about as hard as i would allow myself to cry in front of others...i know Pa wouldn't want to see me cry...

The living room is back to its usual arrangement tonight...and yet it would not be like it used to be...i wouldn't find Pa half-lying on the sofa watching his TVB channel when i wake up in the mornings...Pa wouldn't be asking me to eat the breakfast he bought for me before i go out to meet my friends...Pa wouldn't be sending me off to catch the train or bus to the airport....Pa wouldn't be picking me up when i'm home...i wouldn't be able to hug Pa...i wouldn't be able to see his gentle and patient smile...

I wish i could turn back time to Tuesday 15 February 2011...when i was having a horrible call and asking God why...i'd rather time stopped then and i had to continue that call perpetually than to have received that fateful call from my Ma on that Wednesday 16 February 2011 at 756am...i only slept at about 3am plus that morning...perhaps there was a reason why i had to stay awake till that late...perhaps i was supposed to call Ma at that time so that she would check on Pa...perhaps then it wouldn't be too late to save Pa...but all i cared about was to get some sleep...that's why i missed the signs...and now Pa is gone...

I know that to think i'd give up everything just to have Pa back with us is only in vain...but i can't help thinking that way...i see Ma, Jie, Simon and Pei crying and i can't do anything to help ease their pain...Ma's pillow would be soaked with tears tonight but Pa wouldn't be there to console her...i've always wondered how i would feel when this day comes...and too soon it has come...now i know...the hollow and empty feeling of loss is so real that it manifests itself as physical ache...ever heard of the term 'heavy heart'? that's how my heart is now...i've always tried to detach myself from feeling pain...coz i fear pain...pain is just too difficult a feeling to endure...Lord, please give me the strength, peace and courage to go through this time...bless my Pa's soul...may he find rest in You, Lord...Amen...

Goodbye Pa...we miss you...

I was post call yesterday...i was in a pretty foul mood coz i was having a bad call...and i was supposed to be doing 4 eod calls in a row...little did i know while i was having a terrible call, something even more terrible and unimaginable was happening at home...so it was about 756am yesterday and our unit has just finished round in 5th floor...suddenly my phone rang....it was my Ma...she was crying when she spoke...she said,"Kat, can you come back as soon as possible? your daddy is no more...i found him in his bed...cold..."....oh gosh!!! i thought i could be calm for about 5 minutes just so that i could explain to my boss that i needed to take emergency leave but i could feel a breakdown coming so i had to get away from the crowd...i just broke down...

Why did Pa have to leave us so soon? He hasn't even marry me off!!! Who's going to walk me down the aisle when the time comes? Pei still hasn't graduate from med school..he won't get to attend Pei's graduation...Who's going to accompany Ma when we're all busy working? So many questions....and yet i know all attempts for answers is in vain...Pa's gone...and i don't know where he is...and i wished i had share Jesus with him while he was still around...i don't even know if my prayers for him will be heard....

By the time i could compose myself a little, my bosses have left...a colleague saw me red-eyed and teary and she came and asked what happened....i couldn't tell her without breaking down again...so she helped me to call my bosses to tell them what happened and sent me home to pack....then she sent me to the airport to get a flight ticket back to KL...i bought the 1215pm flight so we had time to hang around...really thank God for company at moments like this...if not, i'll be just crying and crying...but it's so painful to cry....i so wished it was just a series that i was watching that i'm crying over...coz at least when the drama's over, i'll stop crying...and Pa will still be around...

I thought i could sleep in the plane...but i only ended up crying even more...i took a MAS flight...so i took the KLIA transit back to Bandar Tasik Selatan...usually Pa and Ma will come pick me up...but yesterday, i was waiting for my cousin and uncle to pick me up...while waiting, i thought: Pa will never keep me waiting...Pa and Ma would always be waiting for me by the time i step off the train....when i got home, i met Ma, Pei and Simon...Ma hugged me and started crying and crying....Pa's body had been enbalmed...he looked so peaceful....like he was just sleeping...and if i called he would wake up....but he wouldn't...he won't ever wake up again...

We're giving him a Buddhist funeral...and the wake would last 5 days...Jie can only come back by Friday...when i called Jie, she was so distraught...i don't think she had stopped crying....i think it's even harder on Jie...i'm not sure if she and Pa parted on a good note when she left for UK last month...

Time and again we've seen and heard of the regrets that people have when they lose their loved ones...and yet i've always thought it would not happen to me that soon...that i'll still have time...i wasn't even there to save Pa...i couldn't save him...everytime i look at him in the casket i keep expecting him to open his eyes and sit up...i keep imagining when i woke up this morning i'll go down and greet Pa 'good morning' and he would greet me back...but there'll be no more breakfast waiting for me at the table...

Pa, where are you now? you must be feeling as lost as we are...i just want you to know Pa...that you've been the best father you could have been to me...and i really thank you for all the love that you've given me...although we were never really close, but i know you loved me and i wish i could have told you that i love you too...i know i've done a lot of things to break your heart....but you've always been patient with your children....you never burden us with your worries...i guess after 63 years, you're tired with all the burden you carried by yourself...i pray that your soul will find peace and rest in the afterworld...and i want you to know that i'm proud to be your daughter, Pa...and i hope i've made you proud to be my father too...Goodbye Pa...may God bless your soul...we miss you very much and you'll always be in our hearts even though you've moved on...

My Valentine....

So i celebrated my 30th Valentine's day by earning rm105 doing 3 hours of locum after work...i actually earned some money instead of spending it during Valentine's day...that's certainly a change...i'm becoming more of a realist as the days pass...apparently being a romantic isn't getting me anywhere...coz this is the 4th year i'm dateless on Valentine's day...not that we ever celebrated Valentine's day on the day itself....it was usually a day before or after...

Anyway, a kind friend was trying to cheer me up...he said of course i don't have any date...coz i'm busy dating the 'guys' in the Taiwanese drama series that i watch passionately....kinda struck me as true...if only the guys in the real world put in a little more effort like those in the Taiwanese drama series...but unfortunately, the old adage rings true..."it only happens in movies"....

After watching "The Dolphin Bay Lovers", i discovered that one of the song from the series called "Journey" was originally written and sung by this Singaporean singer-songwriter called Corrinne May...she writes Christian songs...been listening to her tonight...very nice...inspiring and touching.... was hit by a revelation while driving home from locum tonight...i just realized that sometimes love just ain't enough (i'm a hopeless romantic that believes love will conquer all, hahahaha)...at least human love ain't enough....and then i realized that only God's love is enough....that's why a couple needs God in their relationship...or else, every effort is in vain...ok Lord, i know i know...i won't even consider a guy who doesn't love You...

I'll be good, Lord...i'll listen to You...i'll wait for the guy who loves You to love me...oh, while we're still on the Valentine subject, i actually got a Valentine's day gift today...what do you know huh? although it's from my girl friend Connie, it is still very much loved and appreciated...anyway, going to start 4 eod calls from tomorrow onwards...i pray i'll still be alive come next Tuesday...Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Why do i cry when i watch movies/series?

Something struck me the past few days...and the revelation has been brought about by the amount of Taiwanese drama series which i have been watching lately...so why do i cry when i watch movies/ series?...it's because i'd rather not cry over my own pathetic little life...it's too painful to cry for myself...somehow it feels more detached crying over a movie/series...

And i always cry at the parts where the main actor and actress need to be apart due to certain circumstances and when they are finally together...i don't usually cry when the supporting actors or actresses are sad when the person they like don't like them...i just realized my life relates more to supporting roles...that's why i don't cry for them...coz then i'll be crying for myself...

I don't want to cry over someone who doesn't love me...that's why i've always told myself to never like someone who won't like me back...and yet, i've managed to get myself into the situation time and again...Lord, who and where is the man whom You've destined to be my soulmate? surely he can't be someone that i don't love...surely i would love him as much as he loves me...sigh, must be the pre-Valentine's blues...

很想对你说。。。

你现在是否在想她么? 情人节快到了。。。你会跟她约会么? 你刚遇见她没久， 就说你爱上了她。。。看见你那么开心来告诉我， 我也替你兴奋。。。但其实我心里好像被打了一拳。。。三年前，我对你告白过。。。你却说你一直以来只当我是好朋友，从来 对我没爱情的感觉。。。我长的那么大， 是我第一次勇敢的对一个男生告白阿。。。却失败了。。。

若你对我没感情， 那为什么对我那么好? 一直说你在等我。。。之前我有男朋友， 所以没想太多。。。虽然我们这十年来都住在不同的城市，但每次我回来， 你多忙也会来找我。。。带我去玩。。。直到四年前， 你跟一个女人交往， 我好像发觉原来我不只是对你有好朋友的感觉。。。当我发觉了我喜欢你，你又说你没喜欢过我。。。那不是太残忍么? 如果你对我没兴趣， 你就不该让我喜欢上 你。。。我最讨厌就是你这种男人。。。

也算了。。。现在我们俩都从新单身。。。可能是我太笨了。。。还以为我们可能有希望。。。一起去吃饭看电影。。。你还是对我那么温柔体贴。。。过了一天你就跟你的朋友在我面前说她多美， 眼神很迷人。。。我真的很想以为你是要考验我。。。看我是否会吃醋。。。可能在偶像剧就会发生。。。但我很清楚现实是你要暗示给我。。。你不会喜欢我的。。。

你知道么? 其实我第一次看见你我就对你有好感。。。但那时候我还在跟我前男友一起。。。后来我们分手了。。。也和你有越好的感情。。。说起来我们也认识彼此十二年了。。。我们真的是有缘没分么? 十年前我们俩有个约会。。。虽然那时候还有其他朋友一起上云顶，我真的以为你是为了我去的。。。那晚你还约了我去散步。。。我心里想着: 如果这是天意，过了今晚，该会有些发展哦，但如果什么都没发生， 那我们应该是没缘分吧。。。结果呢，真的什么都没发生。。。我那么冷， 你一个拥抱都没给我哦。。。但这十年来， 我偶尔也会幻想到如果我们俩真的在一起， 会是怎样。。。

你知道为什么我那么的勇敢些出我心里话么? 也许我知道你不可能读到的。。。对不起。。。我再也没办法当你是好朋友。。。我不要再为了不喜欢我的人哭。。。可能我对你的感觉也不算是爱情。。。可能只是错觉。。。或许我从来都没有爱一个人的得力。。。所以没关系了。。。我会祝福你的。。。祝你和她会度过一个很幸福的情人节。。。虽然你不是因为我快乐，但你要答应我你一定要快乐哦。。。因为我不想看到你受伤害。。。

不能不任命了。。。

我该放弃了。。。不能不任命了。。。是否我这一辈子注定当配角? 注定当他的好朋友。。。只能默默的暗恋。。。看着他喜欢别人。。在我面前说她多好。。。让我想起曹格的"丑角"。。。歌词唱着: 只要你開心就好 若只是你生命的配角 娛樂過你也驕傲 就算聽你說他的好 心裡對你再多愛慕 仍是站在遠處 只給你祝福。。。

是我笨蛋还是他是傻瓜? 明知道我们俩根本不适合。。。还要带着希望他重又一天会用情人的眼神来看着我而不只给我朋友的关心。。。为什么对我那么好却不能爱上我? 为什么只会喜欢那些又瘦，头发又长， 又优雅， 温柔的女人。。。而我又粗鲁， 说话以笑也很大声。。。脾气又坏。。。算了啦。。。如果他真的喜欢别人， 我就该祝福他们。。。虽然我不甘心，也无法改变现实。。。

突然觉得我看着的"海豚湾恋人"的对白很适合我。。。天边说: 我不喜欢期待， 期待也不会成真的。。。到头来她的告白还是失败了。。。算了啦。。。不是你的，勉强也没用。。。主啊， 那么我的"阿浬"呢? 求你别让我等太久。。。可怕我太孤单就会犯错。。。拜托了。。。现在叮当的"一半"真的能唱出我的感受。。。唉。。。

Another Chinese New Year and another drama series...

I'm back in KL...i know i was just back in KL about 2 weeks ago...but it's CNY...so have to come back to KL...somehow as i grow older, CNY feels less festive...maybe it's coz my grandparents are all deceased now...so there's no more 'balik kampung' experience for me anymore...i missed the times when we used to go back to Taiping and Penang (though i've always hated being in Penang during CNY)...i guess the reason why i still come back to KL for CNY is coz if i didn't, i'll be alone in KK...there's a line from Ding Dang's new song called "Half" (typing from home PC, no NJ Star to type Chinese) that goes: festive season always remind me that i'm lonely...how apt...will share about that song another day...

Anyway, i finished another Taiwanese drama series yesterday...it's called "Knock Knock Loving You" (well at least that's how it's translated, can't copy and paste the Chinese title here, dunno why)...of course the only reason why i watched this one was because Ming Dao acted in it...although he wasn't the guy who ended up with the girl...but this series has more depth than the typical idol series..though the whole series revolved around filthy rich ppl...but it was still worth the watch...could really relate to the female lead character...she liked the male lead but never revealed her feelings...she put up a cold and strong front...but she did everything she could to help the guy... from his business to his personal life, she was always there by his side...having grown up in a family where she was unloved, she felt she was not capable of loving anyone...which was why she kept her feelings for the guy to herself...and Ming Dao was the other guy who liked her...really felt sad for Ming Dao's character...coz he's like her as well...and he was willing to do anything to win her heart...except that the methods he used against his love rival were pretty unscrupulous...

Met up with Cam and Kian Ming tonight...it's good to meet up with old friends...haven't been doing enough of that...it's almost 2am now...should get some sleep...but i've just loaded another series...hehe...watch a bit first...then sleep...later going for a movie...The Green Hornet...just curious...wanna watch Jay Chou speak English...hehe...