After 5 days of wake, today (Sunday) was the day Pa would be cremated...the past few days had been surreal...it was like i was in someone else's house everytime i stepped down into the living room...the casket with a man sleeping peacefully inside...it doesn't belong to this house...yet when i looked inside, i saw Pa...it wasn't the Pa that i want to remember...he was a body that no longer belong to this world...
Night after night they chanted Buddhist prayers for him...Pa's old friends and colleagues came to pay the last respect...Ma's friends, the neighbourhood friends, Jie, Simon and Pei's friends also came...some of my friends came too...really appreciated them coming but i wasn't really in the mood to socialize...i wanted to be alone...to think about Pa...but then i realized that there's so many things i didn't know about this man i called Pa...i've spent the last 10 years trying to be detached from my family that i never knew what my Pa liked to eat, what he did in his pasttimes, the places he has been to, the music he loved to listen to...i didn't bother getting to know my Pa while he was still around...
Many of Pa's friends came for the cremation ceremony...my friends Ah Liam, Twink, Vincent and Joe came too...was really glad for their support...i tried very hard not to cry...because we were told that we shouldn't cry so that Pa's soul can depart peacefully...but after the casket was lowered into the crematorium, i was hugging Pei and crying about as hard as i would allow myself to cry in front of others...i know Pa wouldn't want to see me cry...
The living room is back to its usual arrangement tonight...and yet it would not be like it used to be...i wouldn't find Pa half-lying on the sofa watching his TVB channel when i wake up in the mornings...Pa wouldn't be asking me to eat the breakfast he bought for me before i go out to meet my friends...Pa wouldn't be sending me off to catch the train or bus to the airport....Pa wouldn't be picking me up when i'm home...i wouldn't be able to hug Pa...i wouldn't be able to see his gentle and patient smile...
I wish i could turn back time to Tuesday 15 February 2011...when i was having a horrible call and asking God why...i'd rather time stopped then and i had to continue that call perpetually than to have received that fateful call from my Ma on that Wednesday 16 February 2011 at 756am...i only slept at about 3am plus that morning...perhaps there was a reason why i had to stay awake till that late...perhaps i was supposed to call Ma at that time so that she would check on Pa...perhaps then it wouldn't be too late to save Pa...but all i cared about was to get some sleep...that's why i missed the signs...and now Pa is gone...
I know that to think i'd give up everything just to have Pa back with us is only in vain...but i can't help thinking that way...i see Ma, Jie, Simon and Pei crying and i can't do anything to help ease their pain...Ma's pillow would be soaked with tears tonight but Pa wouldn't be there to console her...i've always wondered how i would feel when this day comes...and too soon it has come...now i know...the hollow and empty feeling of loss is so real that it manifests itself as physical ache...ever heard of the term 'heavy heart'? that's how my heart is now...i've always tried to detach myself from feeling pain...coz i fear pain...pain is just too difficult a feeling to endure...Lord, please give me the strength, peace and courage to go through this time...bless my Pa's soul...may he find rest in You, Lord...Amen...
Hi Kat,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say that might help is that you will still have many chances to know your Dad better as time goes on. Remembrances and stories people will tell you about him, keepsakes your family will find, and most important your own memories that will surface from time to time. He was always very open and honest about what he thought. That's why so many people respected him throughout his life and why it might be less difficult than you think to know more about him.
Don't dwell on that day. Think instead of how proud he was on the day you graduated, the day his youngest daughter started med school, the day he became a grandfather, etc. I first met Ir. Chang Kuang Weng 20 Aug 2005 (or thereabouts) but learned so much from him since. He was such a great man. We'll all sit down next time and share some of our memories and pics from the past few years.
Take care of yourself and get in touch with us anytime you want to chat.
hey jeff, thanks so much for your comforting words...will take care...and please take care of my jie too...she needs time to grief...
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