Goodbye Pa...we miss you...

I was post call yesterday...i was in a pretty foul mood coz i was having a bad call...and i was supposed to be doing 4 eod calls in a row...little did i know while i was having a terrible call, something even more terrible and unimaginable was happening at home...so it was about 756am yesterday and our unit has just finished round in 5th floor...suddenly my phone rang....it was my Ma...she was crying when she spoke...she said,"Kat, can you come back as soon as possible? your daddy is no more...i found him in his bed...cold..."....oh gosh!!! i thought i could be calm for about 5 minutes just so that i could explain to my boss that i needed to take emergency leave but i could feel a breakdown coming so i had to get away from the crowd...i just broke down...

Why did Pa have to leave us so soon? He hasn't even marry me off!!! Who's going to walk me down the aisle when the time comes? Pei still hasn't graduate from med school..he won't get to attend Pei's graduation...Who's going to accompany Ma when we're all busy working? So many questions....and yet i know all attempts for answers is in vain...Pa's gone...and i don't know where he is...and i wished i had share Jesus with him while he was still around...i don't even know if my prayers for him will be heard....

By the time i could compose myself a little, my bosses have left...a colleague saw me red-eyed and teary and she came and asked what happened....i couldn't tell her without breaking down again...so she helped me to call my bosses to tell them what happened and sent me home to pack....then she sent me to the airport to get a flight ticket back to KL...i bought the 1215pm flight so we had time to hang around...really thank God for company at moments like this...if not, i'll be just crying and crying...but it's so painful to cry....i so wished it was just a series that i was watching that i'm crying over...coz at least when the drama's over, i'll stop crying...and Pa will still be around...

I thought i could sleep in the plane...but i only ended up crying even more...i took a MAS flight...so i took the KLIA transit back to Bandar Tasik Selatan...usually Pa and Ma will come pick me up...but yesterday, i was waiting for my cousin and uncle to pick me up...while waiting, i thought: Pa will never keep me waiting...Pa and Ma would always be waiting for me by the time i step off the train....when i got home, i met Ma, Pei and Simon...Ma hugged me and started crying and crying....Pa's body had been enbalmed...he looked so peaceful....like he was just sleeping...and if i called he would wake up....but he wouldn't...he won't ever wake up again...

We're giving him a Buddhist funeral...and the wake would last 5 days...Jie can only come back by Friday...when i called Jie, she was so distraught...i don't think she had stopped crying....i think it's even harder on Jie...i'm not sure if she and Pa parted on a good note when she left for UK last month...

Time and again we've seen and heard of the regrets that people have when they lose their loved ones...and yet i've always thought it would not happen to me that soon...that i'll still have time...i wasn't even there to save Pa...i couldn't save him...everytime i look at him in the casket i keep expecting him to open his eyes and sit up...i keep imagining when i woke up this morning i'll go down and greet Pa 'good morning' and he would greet me back...but there'll be no more breakfast waiting for me at the table...

Pa, where are you now? you must be feeling as lost as we are...i just want you to know Pa...that you've been the best father you could have been to me...and i really thank you for all the love that you've given me...although we were never really close, but i know you loved me and i wish i could have told you that i love you too...i know i've done a lot of things to break your heart....but you've always been patient with your children....you never burden us with your worries...i guess after 63 years, you're tired with all the burden you carried by yourself...i pray that your soul will find peace and rest in the afterworld...and i want you to know that i'm proud to be your daughter, Pa...and i hope i've made you proud to be my father too...Goodbye Pa...may God bless your soul...we miss you very much and you'll always be in our hearts even though you've moved on...