The return of the Angel of Death...

I was on call yesterday...was a relatively good weekend call i must say...although the 2 cases we did in the morning ended up pretty complicated and we only finished at about 3pm...after that, went for lunch with my senior MO and his wife and baby...his wife was shopping for a friend's farewell present... and he wanted to shop for his wife's birthday gift...so after lunch we were at Charles & Keith (coz they were having sale)....

After his wife left, we went back into the store to buy some shoes that she liked...i ended up buying a pair of black strappy heels with studs which was going for 70% discount...so i only paid about rm53 for the pair of heels...i actually preferred the brown or the cream-coloured one but they only have my size in black...oh well, black still looks good...

We went back to do on call rounds and everything was pretty quiet though i had to go back to the hospital once to see some new admissions...thought maybe i could rest at home that night coz i wasn't feeling too well...but i guess the Angel of Death wanted to make a comeback...got a call from my specialist on call about 10pm telling me that there was an UGIB patient coming from Queen casualty...massive bleeding...but as with Malaysian efficiency, the patient only reached the OT at 12am...

Patient was intubated when he arrived...and blood was practically pouring out from his mouth and nostrils...and his nasogastric tube free flow was about 1 litre of fresh blood...so we proceeded to perform an on table OGDS to try to look for the source of bleeding...but all we could see was gush of blood...so we proceeded to exploratory laparotomy immediately...when we opened up the stomach, we found massive amount of blood clots...but no bleeding source...so we moved on to the duodenum...nothing in D1 and D2 but blood...

We were racing against time coz the blood and blood products were taking rather long to reach the OT...i could see the patient's heart rate steadily dropping from 100 plus bpm to 90...then to 80...to 70...to 60...and we still hadn't find the source of bleeding...but my surgeon suspected the worst so he opened up D3 and D4 and we finally found the source of bleeding...it was an aorto-duodenal fistula...we couldn't proceed to repair as patient was too unstable...by then his heart rate was 30 plus...and his pulses were no longer palpable...and we couldn't proceed with CPR due to medical futility...

The poor uncle...may his soul rest in peace...it's a horrible feeling...watching a patient die...and you can't do anything to save him because it was too late...and the indignance you feel when you know the patient could have reached the OT way earlier if not for the gross mismanagement at the referral level...sometimes you wonder if this was all really written in the Book of Life and Death...did God really plan for the 12 hours delay to OT? did God really plan for this uncle to die because of the gross mismanagement of his condition? oh, sorry, activated the God-complex mode...

Sometimes you would think that medical personnels are cold and heartless...coz even in the face of death, we still joke and laugh...forgive us, we don't mean to be cold and heartless...for some of us, it's a defense mechanism to deal with deaths...and many of us have seen too many deaths that we'd all sink into the dark abyss of depression if we allowed them to affect us...and it doesn't help that some of us are the Angel of Death incarnates...

Baby Anan...

Sylvia came back to KK few days back for a short holiday...i was post call on Thursday so i thought it'd be nice to go visit her and baby Anan after work...been seeing lotsa photos of baby Anan on Sylvia's FB page...so i was over at Sylvia's place after dinner...baby Anan was about to sleep and was grumpy...he really looked so cute...his eyes were so huge and round...tried carrying him but either he didn't like me or he was just sleepy...coz he was squirming around and crying after a while...so in the end Sylvia brought him upstairs to his grandma so that he could sleep...

I asked Sylvia if Anan had a Chinese name since he is half-Chinese...but she said no...so his grandparents and aunties and uncles are calling him "小男"...so cute...anyway, it was good to catch up with an old friend...good to know that my friends are moving on well in life...hopefully i'll get to go to Singapore again soon so can visit baby Anan...

Khalil has a new song....:)

Yes!!! Finally....Khalil has a new song...:)...been waiting for his new song...it feels like ages...but as usual...Khalil never disappoints...his new song 因为你 is an upbeat easy listening catchy tune...with interesting lyrics...he wrote this song for the ppl who've asked him where he gets his inspiration from...he said he got the inspiration for this song from the ppl who kept questioning about his source of inspiration...and this song is dedicated to these ppl...quite a sense of humour huh?

Anyway, love his music...always....his music always brings a smile on my face...without fail...can't wait for his new album...i must say i've been trying to listen to some of Van Ness Wu's songs...but they just don't give me the same feeling as Khalil's...guess J-Pop and hip hop just aren't my thing...

So, here's a link to Khalil's new song...and the lyrics with translation...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNtsCAyMEds

噔噔噔 噔 噔 (deng deng deng deng deng)
噔噔噔 噔 噔噔 (deng deng deng deng deng deng)
噔噔噔 噔 噔 噔噔噔噔 (deng deng deng deng deng .....)
噔噔噔 噔 (deng deng deng deng)
友人對我hi (friend said hi to me)
街頭的情人又說bye 孩子的父親讚他乖 (lovers in the street say bye, child's parents praised him obedient)
寫著啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦 (write lalalalalalalalala)

#也許是天氣 (perhaps it's the weather)
也許是運氣 (perhaps it's luck)
也許是因為有人不放棄 (perhaps it's because someone didn't give up)
也許是天意 (perhaps it's God's will)
也許不願意 (perhaps it's unwillingness)
也許是因為她 (perhaps it's because of her)
還是因為我和你 (or because of me and you)

是不是你錯 (are you wrong?)
是不是她錯了(is she wrong?)
但隨便說說也不算 (but casual talk doesn't count)
你別賴 怪我 (don't blame me)

好事會變懷 (good thing can become bad)
這世界都環繞著愛 (this world revolves around love)
捱過之後會放的開 (after enduring sufferings can let go)
寫著啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦啦 (writing lalalalalalalalalala)

Repeat #

寫一首歌 (write a song)
填一首詩 (fill in a poem)
錄完這編曲 (finished recording this arrangement)
這樣就是一首歌的生命 (such is the life of a song)
如此動聽 (so pleasant)
如果你覺的我在講你心裡的話 (if you feel that i'm speaking what's in your heart)

Repeat #

是你給我...a song from Kung Fu Chefs...

So i managed to finish watching Kung Fu Chefs this morning before i had to catch a plane back to KK...the movie wasn't all that great...as before, if it wasn't for Van Ness Wu, i wouldn't even bother watching...Van Ness was pretty funny in the show...though it was definitely not him speaking Cantonese...and his facial hair...hmmm, i still think he looks better without...

There was a song that played as the credits roll...found out that it was a Van Ness Wu song titled 是你給我...it's a nice song...and i was checking out its lyrics...very very touching and inspirational...i don't know who wrote it...and i know it's a song from a movie...but i think when Van Ness sang it, he was singing it to the Lord...his love song to the Lord...the 你 is God...well, at least when i read the lyrics i thought about God...and how He had helped me to go on..to find myself again...to believe again...

Anyway, here's a link to the song...and the lyrics and translation....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmBhE1VSl0A

終點究竟會是在哪裡 (where exactly is the final destination?)
有些猶豫是否該前進 (should we go ahead with certain hesitations?)
你說別懷疑就算路途艱辛 (You said don't doubt even though the road is arduous)
在下一秒都會變成回憶 (another second all will become memories)
讓我們追尋好的結局 (let us pursue a good ending)

是你給我繼續的勇氣 (it is You who gave me the courage to go on)
讓我重新找回自己 (let me find myself again)
決不再輕易放棄 (no longer give up easily)
因為你我會再次去相信 (because of You i will believe once again)
是你給我更多的堅定 it's You who gave me more firm determination)
對未來終於下定了決心 (at last i can make up my mind on my future)
再多困難我也會好好走下去 (even if there's more difficulties i will continue to go on)

阿浬。。。

Finally finished watching Peach Girl...阿浬 (Van Ness Wu) was the only reason why i persevered and endured all 13 episodes of it...that guy is just too good to be true...he's not only cute...love his smile...he can dance...he can sing...he is fun to be with...he is willing to make a fool of himself to make his girl smile...he is always by his girl's side when she's sad, just being with her, guarding her, protecting her...he is willing to wait for his girl even though his girl initially liked another guy...he's smart and street-wise...he's responsible, considerate, kind, chivalrous...full of integrity...and he loves his girl enough to let her have the free-will to choose who she wants to be with....and if i may be shallow, he also have really nice hair and a really nice body...plus, he's a damn good kisser...seriously, that kissing scene after 阿浬 confessed his feelings to his girl over the school's radio was pretty explosive...hehe...and i'm just glad that he ends up with the girl although the girl's initial crush was another guy...

Lord, where's my 阿浬? is there really someone out there who can love someone so much as the way 阿浬 did? i know, it only happens in movies/series/dramas...and 阿浬 actually has his faults and flaws too...like he can't swim well and he had a reputation as a playboy and rebel...but if there is a guy like that who's willing to persevere to win his girl, i'll definitely fall for him...but i guess if there is really such a guy, i might feel undeserving of his love...

Hehe, Jerome said Kit Yin and i have some kind of arrested development...coz we never really did the things our peers did back in high school and uni days...coz we were too busy being nerds...and so now we're catching up on our lost youth...oh well, i don't supposed i'll ever catch up...although life maybe a race but i'm not competing with anyone...it's myself that i'm racing with...so no hurry really... one step at a time...and if God willing, i might just find my 阿浬...ok, time to start watching "Kung Fu Chefs"...hehe, another Van Ness Wu show...

Peach Girl and a trip down memory lane...

I was in Kota Bharu over the weekend...for my Masters Programme interview...which was on a Sunday...nothing shocking coz Kelantaneses work on Sundays and get off on Fridays...Anyway, flew to KB on Saturday morning....Suet Lai came to pick me up from the airport...then we went back to her place to put my stuffs and get Jacintha for breakfast...yea, it's a good thing to have friends doing masters there...got place to bunk in...and it's good to see old friends...

I started watching Peach Girl a few days ago...not the anime version...the Taiwanese version...and honestly, i wouldn't watch it in a million years, if it wasn't for Van Ness Wu...it's really a typical Taiwanese idol series...horrible acting (even Van Ness, but i guess that was his earlier days)...the other male lead is damn ugly...and there're so many bitch characters in the drama...anyway, was watching it on Suet Lai's Macbook to pass time...

So interview was...er...let's not talk about it...there were 6 of us being interviewed...which i found strange...coz there couldn't have been 6 applicants only...and out of the 6, only me and another Sikh girl were non-bumis...so i guess i can kinda figure out my chances of getting accepted...anyway, had lunch with Jacintha...then i asked her to drop me off at the campus...wanted to walk the corridors and paths which were once all-too-familiar to me but which were now strange and unfamiliar...

So many upgrades...so many new buildings built and being built...i walked to the library...which i used to go to borrow novels, hehe...didn't enter in case they asked for my pass, which i obviously wouldn't have...so i walked along some new buildings towards the main hall...so many fond memories of the main hall...where we had our Chinese New Year Nights...and saw the drums being dried under the sun....missed those drum practices...

Walked to the dorms where i used to stay...we had to move out of the old room and into a new room every year...like a yearly pilgrimage...so i actually stayed in 3 out of the 4 dorms during my 5 years in uni...went to the tennis court where i first caught the attention of my first 'mistake'...then was at the spot downstairs my 1st year dorm where i declined a romantic advancement...i'm glad i didn't accept it...coz then that guy wouldn't be happily married now to one of my good friend in uni...

Then went to my 2nd year dorm...took a photo of the table where my ex and i sat the night he expressed his romantic feelings to me...but honestly, i might have remembered the wrong table...hehe...but i'll always remember the night of the meteor shower...which we didn't get to see...they're building a new stadium at the old golf course...where my ex and i used to jog and have our ritual daily post dinner walk...wanted to walk around the golf course but it was too hot...

So i walked to the lecture halls...and along the corridors of the school...thinking how much things have changed over the last 4 years plus...although some things remained the same...but even if the buildings have remained the same, it was not the same campus that i used to study in...becoz we no longer belong to that place as we once did...and just like some things in life, once we've moved on, we can never go back to how we used to be...

I'll always treasure the memories i had from my campus days...but it's the future we have to live for...everyone has moved on...it's time for me to move on too...

Touched....

I was trying to load a video of Van Ness Wu's interview on Youtube since this evening...and it's still loading...didn't help that the video was almost an hour long...so i've still about 10 mins or so to load and it's already past midnight...hence this post...

Was chatting with my bro earlier...just talking about some family issues...and out of the blue my bro typed: i love you...that's the first time he has ever expressed that....totally touched...and was watching part of the Van Ness interview...he was telling about how he brought his mom to Jesus...prayed the sinner's prayer with her...doubly touched...i just cried and cried...i feel so abashed...i tell ppl that i've known the Lord since i was 15...and yet i've never been able to share Jesus with my family...Van Ness has only came to know the Lord about 2 years plus, i think...and he has done what i've never been able to do...

Lord, you know this wretched heart of mine...you know how it has tried to stray away from You, again and again...thank You for sending someone to remind me of Your eternal love...turn my heart back to You, Lord...turn my heart back to You...Amen...

On call, Van Ness Wu and a mistaken identity

So i'm on call today...3rd call of the new year...somehow it doesn't feel like a new year has begun...same routine, same kind of calls...well, at least i'm back in general surgery...no new year's resolution whatsoever...got a msg earlier from an aussie no...thought it was another friend who's working overseas now...and then suddenly i thought that maybe it was from the nightmare of Adelaide...so i was kinda rude in replying....turned out it was Jess...hehe, she's back in Melbourne...but i could have sworn i had her Melbourse mobile no. stored in my phone...guess it's been that long since i heard from her and i just changed my phone about half a year ago...hehe, paiseh only...

Anyway, i just finished watching Autumn Concerto over the weekend...and the lead actor was Van Ness Wu (of F4 fame; no, i was never into F4)...so i kinda googled him and found out that he is a Christian...and that he only became a believer about 2 years plus ago...and from the youtube videos i've watched about his personal testimony and interview, he seems to be a fervent believer...involving in evangelistic outreach...signing the true love waits card... kinda inspiring...kinda gives me hope that all is not lost...

God did come for the lost after all...and i'm very touched to know that Van Ness is a brother in Christ and that he has found the Lord as his Lord and Saviour...i've been slipping away from God and at this moment i'm feeling rather lost...but i guess God is still waiting for this prodigal daughter to return to Him...if only i can find the strength to do so...i'm just tired of repeating the 'sin and repent' pattern...instead of growing, i just keep running in a hamster wheel...Lord, please give me the strength and courage to come back to You...

下一站，幸福

今天是新年的第八天。。我就看完了一部偶像剧。。这部叫"下一站，幸福"。。这个戏真的让我太投入了。。连觉都不肯睡。。饭也不愿吃。。只是一直要看下一幕慕橙和光晞的感情会有怎样的发展。。连我 on call 时候都一直想到戏里面的每一幕。。我觉得看了几部偶像剧，这部的吻景是最炽热的。。那个吴建豪真的很会吻女人阿。。

我看了那么多天就哭了那么多天。。真的有太多让人感动的景。。还有最可爱的小小彬。。真的很懂事有会帮慕橙跟光晞拉近。。主题歌又好听。。尤其是丁当的 ‘亲人’ 和品冠的‘我以为’。。我知道在电影的爱情故事是不可能发生在现实里。。但如果这样的真爱能活在现实里。。那有多好呢。。一个能给对方勇气变更好的爱。。一个虽然失忆但过了六年还能反复回忆的爱。。一个六年前分开但六年候命运还让对方碰面的爱。。if i can find a love that beat against all odds, that even the heavens intervene to bring us together despite people and circumstances trying to tear us apart, no matter how much tears shed or how much pain endured, it'll still be all worth it...and i'll still be the happiest person in the world...

哈哈，不会用华文表达所以就用英文了。。但有时候我不明白。。为什么我们越爱一个人就会越伤到他? 明明是为他好却又伤害他。。还有剧里面很常有不顾一切去爱主角的配角。。却主角的真爱是另一个。。我真的很希望我这一辈子不是注定作配角而已。。我不甘愿。。我宁愿我爱情故事的书页是空白也不要一辈子当配角。。

结局的一幕，慕橙跟光晞说: "其实呢， 不管到哪里都可以， 因为只要有你的那一站， 就是幸福的"。。真的很感人以浪漫阿。。然后呢， 它们就吻了。。那个吻真的让人羡慕。。唉。。我今年快要三十岁了。。希望我的下一站是幸福的。。要跟你们分享丁当的 ‘亲人’。。我又试看翻译华文去英文...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcY75hwb_Ls&feature=related

別打開 禮物的緞帶 (don't untie the gift's satin ribbon)
最初充滿期待 最後都腐敗 (initially full of expectation, in the end became rotten)
別打開 午夜的電臺 (don't switch on the midnight radio station)
別讓情歌反覆再愚弄 (don't allow love song to deceive once again)

而愛 (and love)
並沒有教給我生存 (did not teach me how to live on)
只教我交易虛榮給天真 (it only taught me to trade innocence for vanity)
可是愛 (but love)
讓我們變成陌生人 (has allowed us to become strangers)
卻變不了更高尚的靈魂 (but cannot transform us into more noble souls)

不要吻我 只要抱著我 (don't kiss me, only embrace me)
不要愛我 做我的親人 (don't love me, become my loved one)
把手借我 一天一分鐘 (lend me you hand, a minute a day)
做我最親密的親人 (be my most intimate loved one)
不是誰的情人 誰的某某某 (not whose lover or whose so and so)

就算我 全身濕透透 (even if my whole body is completely wet)
我也不再被誰 牽著鼻子走 (i won't let anyone lead me by the nose again)
如果我 還握住拳頭 (if i'm still clenching my fist)
可能我怕我的夢飛走 (perhaps i'm afraid that my dreams will fly away)

而愛 (and love)
並不如你想的萬能 (is not as omnipotent as you thought)
不能讓我們不再戰爭 (cannot let us stop fighting)
可是愛 (but love)
連慈悲也沒多慈悲 (does not even show more mercy)
誰愛越深越容易被犧牲 (whoever love more is easier to be sacrificed)

不要吻我 只要抱著我 (don't kiss me, only embrace me)
不要愛我 做我的親人 (don't love me, become my loved one)
把手借我 一天一分鐘 (lend me your hand, a minute a day)
讓我還敢做我的夢 (allow me to still dare to dream)
做我夢中偉大的微笑的英雄 (become the great and smiling hero in my dream)