I'm spending my lazy Saturday afternoon watching "Love at the Aegean Sea" aka 情定爱琴海 ...i'm actually supposed to be on call today...but my colleague wanted to change his Sunday call with my Satuday call...after yesterday's tsunami alert, i was pretty glad we changed calls...if tsunami did hit our KK shores, there would have been quite some casualties today...
Anyway, yesterday afternoon our department had our usual HO teaching...somewhere along my unit's consultant mentioned about using praecordial thump to try to jump start the heart in a patient with leaking/ ruptured abdominal aorta aneurysm who is in asytole...coz CPR would completely exsanguinate the patient...weird that suddenly this term would come up...coz it has been haunting my mind the last few weeks...
We never really found out the cause of my Pa's death...we just put it down as myocardial infarction... most likely it was arrhythmia that caused his heart to stop....and i couldn't help wondering if i was there to give him a praecordial thump, would it have been able to jump start his heart?...boss said a praecordial thump can give up to about 100kJ of shock to the heart...that is as good as a DC shock...maybe then i could have been able to save Pa...but the fact remains that i was not there that morning beside Pa...because i've always been happier being away from home...because i've spent the last 10 years trying to leave my home behind...and now it's too late...even if i want to go home, Pa won't be there....
There're so many regrets and guilts...that i don't even dare to put them in words...coz even if i did, what good would it do? there's nothing in this world that i could do to make it up to him...everyday i wake up and think "another day has gone by"...i go to work and pretend as if everything is the same...i try to function normally and i find that i can...i don't burst into tears when my patients die during my calls even though i'm reminded of Pa's death...but it still doesn't make me wish any less that Pa is still around...Pa, let me know that you're really in a better place...so that i can let go and move on....
And that's why I had been hoping for a PM, then we would not forever be wondering, what is the exact reason that made his heart stopped. It may not be his heart for all you know.
ReplyDeleteI feel that if we somehow know the exact cause of his death, whether from something treatable and could be prevented or from a lethal arrhythmia that not even prompt medical aid could have saved him, at least we know! It won't bring Daddy back but at least, we know! Now we are and will be left forever wondering what exactly took him away..........
And this question has also been at the back of my mind since I received that unexpected dreaded phone call from Pei........
In 2010 ACLS guidelines, precordial thump should not be used in out-of-hospital unwitnessed cardiac arrest. Therefore, I dont think it helps in your dad's case. Whatever it is, nature has taken its course, and I am sure this is now what our fathers wanted us to live with, in regrets. Cherish the moments that we have, or had with our parents, and keep those fond memories forever.
ReplyDeleteEr... Sorry, typo error...
ReplyDelete"I am sure this is NOT what our fathers wanted us to live with, in regrets.."