Happy Birthday Pa....

Today is Pa's birthday...it would have been his 63rd birthday....while i was still at home, we would always go out for dinner for Pa's birthday every year...and i would love going shopping to select his birthday present...but i've been away from home the past few years...and i can't remember the last time i went home for Pa's birthday...i would only call him to wish him "Happy Birthday"...but now, i wouldn't be able to celebrate his birthdays with him anymore...

Pa, i know you're watching over us...and you can hear us...but i just wish i could call you now to tell you about some good things that has happened over the last 2 days...i attended a basic surgical skills course conducted by the people from the Royal College of Surgeons (Eng) which was held in my hospital...and i was on call yesterday...it was really amazing...after 5pm till this morning 645am, there wasn't a single call from the casualty or district for referrals...definitely my best ever call...i guess i should thank Eric for his prayers....

I really had a lot of fun at the course...and today, when the course ended, they awarded me as the best lady of the course...and my present was a teddy bear in a surgeon's outfit...i still wonder how i managed to get that award...coz my bowel anastomosis leaked...and my vein patch was crumply...i hope i've made you proud, Pa...at least now i know i am meant to do surgeries after all...i know you'll be watching me doing my 1st cheiloplasty and palatoplasty...and you will share my joy in creating magic....i missed you, Pa...hope you're happy, wherever you are...

Kokol Hill and Kiansom Waterfalls

Last Thursday and Friday i was on leave...been planning to drive up to Kokol Hill, which was just up the Crocker range from Menggatal...wasn't too sure if my car could take the mountaneous assault, so i sent my poor MyVi for a service...don't ask me how much i had to pay for the service...only know that they almost overhauled my car...the only thing they didn't change was perhaps the engine....but then post-service my car was good to go for an uphill adventure...

So after lunch, i went home and packed an overnight bag...and started my solo adventure...it started to rain as soon as i drove out...it seems like the rain likes me...it's ok rain (no, not the Korean singer/actor/dancer), i like you too...it's just that you're gonna ruin my beautiful sunset...it took me about 45 mins to reach Kasih Sayang Resort, which was just by the road...along the way there was a church which had a huge replica of Jesus on the cross....and it was quite amazing against the backdrop of cloudy sky and sea...

I checked in at the resort...cost me RM131 for a night...at least the room was decently clean...but the naphthalene smell was a bit overwhelming coz it seemed to have followed me all the way home on Friday...thank God i brought cup noodles that i could eat for dinner...coz the food was darn expensive...and they had AXN and HBO on TV...so i spent my time catching up with my novel...and also CSI...took some photos of the sunset from my room...though that was mostly obscured by the clouds...still, a sunset is a sunset...

It felt good to be not working and be somewhere else doing something else besides routine...and i could sleep in the next morning...well, still had to wake up by 9am for breakfast...since it was included...had 4 eggs for breakfast aside of 2 slices of toasts and baked beans...since i couldn't eat sausages at the moment, i asked them to substitute with eggs...after breakfast i went back to my room and lazed on the bed till about 1230pm...and then the reception called to ask me to check-out...hehe, i thought check-out time was at 1pm...apparently that was the check-in time and check-out time was 1130am...oh well, i hurriedly packed and returned the keys...

I drove down via the Kiansom way...which i thankfully didn't use on coming up....at least going downhill wasn't as taxing for my poor MyVi...stopped by at the Kiansom waterfalls...not many ppl were there...and i didn't play in the water since i was alone...i may be able to swim but one can never be too sure about waterfalls...as it is, i was crazy enough to try to hike up to the 1st tier of the falls...not an easy hike i assure you, especially if you're wearing slip-ons...and then there was the hazard of all hazards...LEECH!!! just as i was about to reach the 1st tier, i noticed a small black stringy thing on the dorsum of my right foot...initially i thought it was dirt so i tried to sweep it off but it was stucked onto my foot although it moved...and i launched into a panic attack...i was flicking it off and then it was on my forearm and i was flailing my arms to get rid of it...thankfully it flew off...

But i was hyperventilating and so tachycardic that i didn't think my heartbeat would slow down at all...i initially wanted to hike all the way up to the 2nd tier but i abandoned the idea...i didn't think i could survive another leech-induced panic attack...so i took some self-timed photos at the 1st tier...which turned out pretty good i must say...the scenery was great but the water was a bit murky...would have preferred a crystal clear kind of waterfalls...thankfully the hike down was uneventful...while climbing up i was actually wondering how i would ever make it back down...but it felt like i reached my starting point much faster than expected...

So i drove home...happy and contented...planning for more of my solo adventures...coz need to finish up my leave before i start my masters programme...coz i can only keep 14 days...and i still have some 30 over days...

泡沫之夏。。。

我不会写这故事的简介。。。如果要知道这部电视剧是关于什么那就自己去看。。。肯定不后悔。。。我只想写关于何润东的角色"欧辰"。。。我真的爱上了"欧辰"。。。我从来没有为第二男主角流那么多泪。。。他对女主角"夏沫"的深情与真爱已经打动我的心了。。。这应该是我为何润东的角色哭了第二次。。。之前是"情定爱琴海" 的角色。。。现在又是"泡沫之夏"。。。

虽然"欧辰"不是完美。。。他的确用了蛮卑鄙的手段来得到"夏沫"。。。但因为深刻的爱，他慢慢改。。。他本身很霸道。。。不过到最后他还是选择还"夏沫"她的自由。。。"欧辰"在心里告诉"夏沫":我是你的，而你是自由的"。。。然后就留给"夏沫"他签好的离婚书。。。还好"夏沫"没签。。。虽然"欧辰"知道"夏沫"并不爱他，每次"夏沫"被欺负他都会守护着她。。。保护她。。。虽然他好几次都用钱来解决问题。。。

不过，他也捐了他的肾给"夏沫"的弟弟。。。虽然他本来是用这个理由来让"夏沫"嫁给他。。。到最后"欧辰"选择离开为了让"夏沫"跟她喜欢的人在一起。。。他留了一封告别信给"夏沫"。。。他说: 夏沫， 当你看到这封信的时候， 我已经在飞往法国的航班上了。。。我没办法对你说出要离开。。。只有写这封信。。。最近我一遍遍地回想起我们的过去。。。记得第一次遇到你的时候， 你勇敢的张开双臂。。。拦在我的车前。。。也许听起来有点可笑。。。十四岁的我竟然从那一刻起，就喜欢上了你。。。如果能够我想要将你藏起来。。。不让任何人看到你。。。不让任何人碰你。。。你渐渐长大，越来越有光芒。。。我开始担心。。。害怕有人会发现你。。。会将你从我的身边夺走。。。我担心的事情成真了。。。那个人终于出现了。。。你对那个叫洛熙的男孩子有者不寻常的感情。。。我很嫉妒。。。所以我把他赶走。。。不允许他在你的身边多停留一秒。。。五年后，失忆的我不记得你。。。但却又再次地被你吸引，爱上了你。。。这一次我还是犯下了同样的错误。。。我的占有却没有减少。。。反而变本加厉。。。其实我曾经有动摇想要将自由还给你。。。可是看着你温柔的笑容，我们像一家人一样生活在一起，我舍不得离开你。。。哪怕自私，也想永远和你在一起。。。可是从究我是错的。。。小澄去世的时候，如果是洛熙在你的身边，是你喜欢的他守候者你，为了他，你一定不会绝望到崩溃吧? 想我这样的人，上天竟然也眷顾我。。。你的腹中有了我们的宝宝。。。这让你从新振作起来。。。也让我又一次开始了挣扎。。。我知道家人对于你的意义。。。为了宝宝，你会永远留在我的身边。。。会努力去忘记那个人的影子。。。只是你的人生应该和喜欢的人在一起，这才是真正原本的幸福啊。。。所以我走了。。。我是宝宝的父亲，无论未来你做出什么样的决定，你和宝宝永远都是我最爱的人。。。

听到这些话， 我真的泪流成河了。。。如果是我，我一定会爱上了"欧辰"。。。幸好结局还是我所要的。。。"夏沫"追上了"欧辰"而告诉他，"我已经爱上你了"。。。然后他们就吻了对方。。。如果我生命里有个"欧辰"那就太好了。。。他不需要像"欧辰"那么有钱，只要他像"欧辰"深深的爱着我，我就很幸福了。。。该睡了。。。可能在梦境里会遇到他。。。

Bad call and drama...

Lately my calls have been "Jonah calls"....and yesterday wasn't an exception...not that any patient died...but i was awake till 530am trying to settle a urology patient...if i did believe in past life, i must have been a mean and horrible urologist...that's why i'm paying this life by suffering urology mess...and maybe i'm getting delusional...but i'm convinced that the urology HO on call last night was all set to ensure that i have a bad call...and maybe there are more HOs out there who are conspiring as well...hahahaha, i must be having post call delirium...that's why i'm not making sense...

Didn't go to church this morning...would have been sleeping throughout the sermon anyway if i went...came back home and bathed instead...and slept till lunch...then went for lunch at Becky's place...came home and started my drama marathon on youtube..currently i'm watching a China production called "Love of the Aegean Sea"...not too interested in the lead actors...watching it coz i had an inspiration about going to Greece...thanks to Sharan, my ex-roomie in uni...anyway, i'm finding this drama a bit draggy...and i can't stand the male lead coz he's such a wuss...and the female lead has a perpetual "my father just died" look regardless of whether she is or isn't with the male lead...quite annoying...

I love the 2nd male lead though...truth be told, i've always had the affinity towards the 2nd male leads in almost every drama i've watched...after all, i'm in the same boat too...so i can relate...that's why i root for 2nd male leads...i guess it's coz the guy's love for the female lead is so amazingly persevering...even though the female lead will never end up with him (except for Peach Girl), the guy never stops loving the girl...i don't cry for the male and female lead...but i cry for the 2nd male lead...but in reality, a guy like that doesn't exist...i was telling a guy friend about it and he totally affirmed it...if there was a guy who would fight for my love and persevere that long in his love for me, i'll definitely be touched and want to be with him...

Unfortunately, love like that is hard to come by (or non-existant)...i supposed that's why i'm still waiting...but i'm afraid i may be waiting in vain...still, perhaps one day i will meet the guy who is worthy of my love and whose love i'm worthy of...till then, i should focus on my Greece trip...i even have a title for it...Chapter 30: I dream of Greece...i guess i should sleep now and start dreaming about Greece...

Praecordial thump...

I'm spending my lazy Saturday afternoon watching "Love at the Aegean Sea" aka 情定爱琴海 ...i'm actually supposed to be on call today...but my colleague wanted to change his Sunday call with my Satuday call...after yesterday's tsunami alert, i was pretty glad we changed calls...if tsunami did hit our KK shores, there would have been quite some casualties today...

Anyway, yesterday afternoon our department had our usual HO teaching...somewhere along my unit's consultant mentioned about using praecordial thump to try to jump start the heart in a patient with leaking/ ruptured abdominal aorta aneurysm who is in asytole...coz CPR would completely exsanguinate the patient...weird that suddenly this term would come up...coz it has been haunting my mind the last few weeks...

We never really found out the cause of my Pa's death...we just put it down as myocardial infarction... most likely it was arrhythmia that caused his heart to stop....and i couldn't help wondering if i was there to give him a praecordial thump, would it have been able to jump start his heart?...boss said a praecordial thump can give up to about 100kJ of shock to the heart...that is as good as a DC shock...maybe then i could have been able to save Pa...but the fact remains that i was not there that morning beside Pa...because i've always been happier being away from home...because i've spent the last 10 years trying to leave my home behind...and now it's too late...even if i want to go home, Pa won't be there....

There're so many regrets and guilts...that i don't even dare to put them in words...coz even if i did, what good would it do? there's nothing in this world that i could do to make it up to him...everyday i wake up and think "another day has gone by"...i go to work and pretend as if everything is the same...i try to function normally and i find that i can...i don't burst into tears when my patients die during my calls even though i'm reminded of Pa's death...but it still doesn't make me wish any less that Pa is still around...Pa, let me know that you're really in a better place...so that i can let go and move on....

脆弱...一半

为什么当我最脆弱的时候你的简讯就突然来问候我? 我不要你对我朋友的关心。。。我最讨厌你同情我。。。为什么不能喜欢我? 不能爱我? 难道我真的有那么差么? 对，我现在真的很需要安慰。。。但我不要你用朋友的身份来安慰我。。。但你做不到。。。者三个星期内，我已经面对了三个死亡。。。最初是爸爸离开了。。。后来周一同事的爸爸也去了。。。今天好朋友打电话来说她婆婆昨天也走了。。。太多死亡了。。。让我很害怕。。。很害怕随时又再失去我珍惜的人。。。

可能我还是比较适合一个人的生活。。。至少不知拥有就不知失落。。。我生命的主题曲该是丁当的“一半”。。。跟你们分享歌词吧。。。顺便翻译一下。。。

喝酒的伴 一起看电影的伴 (drinking partners, movie partners)
早午晚餐的那个伴 (the companion for breakfast, lunch and dinner)
朋友不能留得太晚 明天要上班 (friends can't stay out too late, tomorrow need to work)
唱K的伴 一起去旅行的伴 (karaoke partners, travel partners)
听懂我的笑话的伴 (a companion that understands my jokes)
我的生活 只差那个人就美满 (my life lacks that one person then it will be complete)

快乐少一人分享 快乐就只剩一半 (happiness that lacks another person to share with is happiness halved)
喝一碗汤 (drink a bowl of soup)
心怎么都不够暖 (why doesn't my heart feel warm enough?)
这张被单 这张睡床 (this quilt, this bed)
再舒服都觉得太宽 (no matter how comfortable it still feels too wide)
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半 (with no one to share with, happiness is halved)
就算把日子都填满 (even if days are filled)
节日却提醒我孤单 (holidays remind me i'm lonely)

没有想法 有想法又能怎样 (what does it matter if you have idea or not?)
只能写部落格整晚 (can only write blog all night long)
几个留言安慰不了 心里的遗憾 (a few comments cannot comfort my heart's regrets)
没有负担 原来也是种负担 (no burden is actually a kind of burden)
自由多得让人心慌 (how often can freedom cause someone's heart miss a beat?)
你羡慕我 那要不要跟我交换 (you envy me? then do you want to exchange?)

快乐少一人分享 快乐就只剩一半 (happiness that lacks another person to share with is happiness halved)
喝一碗汤 心怎么都不够暖 (drink a bowl of soup, why doesn't my heart feel warm enough?)
这张被单 这张睡床 (this quilt, this bed)
再舒服都觉得太宽 (no matter how comfortable it still feels too wide)
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半 (with no one to share with, happiness is halved)
努力把日子都填满 (trying hard to fill up my days)
别来提醒 我的孤单 (don't come to remind me that i'm lonely)

快乐少一人分享 快乐就只剩一半 (happiness that lacks another person to share with is happiness halved)
喝一碗汤 心怎么都不够暖 (drink a bowl of soup, why doesn't my heart feel warm enough?)
这张被单 这张睡床 (this quilt, this bed)
再舒服都觉得太宽 (no matter how comfortable it still feels too wide)
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半 (with no one to share with, happiness is halved)
就算把日子都填满 (even if my days are filled)
没人知道 我多孤单 (no one knows how lonely i am)

好了啦。。。我该睡了。。。睡在我太宽的床。。。晚安啦。。。