A reply to a song....

I was on call on Tuesday and i was basically running back and forth between Queen and SMC...during yet another of my drive, the radio was playing Eason Chan's 淘汰 ....which according to NJstar's translation means elimination through selection or competition, die out, fall into disuse, to wash out or to phase out....i didn't know why but i was suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of tears...and i broke down and cried...most likely it has to do with the phase i'm going through now...

Anyway, i was checking out the MV for this song yesterday and i found out that Jay Chou actually wrote this song for Eason Chan...no wonder i was wondering why it didn't really sound like something from Eason Chan...here's a link to the song's MV if you're interested to listen...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmXemtFGwGc...the MV plays out the essence of the song...and i can't help but think of a reply to that song...

This is the original lyrics for 淘汰...

我說了所有的謊　你全都相信
(All the lies i've told, you believed them all)
簡單的我愛你　你卻老不信
(A simple "I love you", yet you stubbornly disbelieve)
你書裡的劇情　我不想上演
(Your book's plot, i don't wish to act in)
因為我喜歡喜劇收尾
(because i like comedy ending)

＃我試過完美放棄　的確很踏實
(I've tried to give up perfection, very realistic)
　醒來了　夢散了　你我都走散了
(Awakened, dreams shattered, you and i have strayed away)
　情歌的詞何必押韻　就算我是Ｋ歌之王
(Why should love song's lyrics rhyme? Even if i'm the karaoke king)
　也不見得把愛情唱得完美
(Not necessarily able to sing romance into prefection)

＊只能說我輸了　也許是你怕了
(Can only say i've lost, maybe you're scared)
　我們的回憶沒有皺摺
(Our memories have no creases)
　你卻用離開燙下句點
(Yet you used goodbye to iron out our ending)
　只能說我認了　你的不安贏得你信任
(Can only say i admit, your restlessness won your confidence)
　我卻得到你安慰的淘汰
(But i am consoled by being eliminated)

This is my reply to the song....

你说了所有的荒 我都能相信
(All the lies you've told, i can believe them all)
但你的我爱你 我却感不触
(But your "I love you", i can't seem to feel)
我书里的剧情 你不需上演
(My book's plot, doesn't need you to act in)
因我不要求童话收尾
(Because i don't demand fairy tale ending)

#我不能完美放弃 的确不踏实
(I can't give up perfection, very unrealistic)
梦醒了 泪干了 你我不再回头
(Awakened from dream, tears have dried, you and i can't start over)
情歌的词必需押韵 虽我不是K歌女王
(It's essential for love song's lyrics to rhyme, although i'm not the karaoke queen)
我会努力把爱情唱得完美
(I will strive to sing romance into perfection)

*不想说你输了 但我真的怕了
(Don't want to say you've lost, but i'm really afraid)
我们的回忆太多皱褶
(Our memories have too many creases)
虽不愿离开烫下句点
(Although i don't want goodbye to iron out our ending)
不想说我认了 你的性格输了我信任
(Don't want to admit, your character have lost my confidence)
你却赢得我安慰的淘汰
(Still you won the consolation of being eliminated)

If you've watched the MV, you will realize that regardless of who is eliminating and who is being eliminated, both of you will end up being exhausted...we can't be running all our lives...

What do men want? part 2...

And your wondering continues....he didn't msg you a whole day...then the next day he sent you a msg late at night and asked, hi how have you been?...so you replied, not too good...so he asked why? what's wrong?...so you told him, you're what's wrong...and he asked again, what do you mean?...but he didn't bother to call...he didn't even bother to tell you why he forgot to msg you a whole day...

He used to call you babe...now it's just hi...and this is only your 3rd date...if this does extrapolate to the rest of your life, can you live like that? oh, he might sweet-talk again, and begs you for another chance to make things right..and he'll always find the right things to say to pacify you...justify his actions..and you'll buy it...but it's just too tiring for you...the emotional uncertainty...a friend told you that he's just in for the chase...once he has obtained the prize, he'll get bored...and you can't help wondering that maybe your friend's advice speaks loud and clear...

And you wonder if you're the only girl who goes through this...of course not...you're sure there are many men out there who play games like that...he has hurt you before...and he begged for you to accept him again...and it took a lot of courage to meet him again...and you thought that he would really cherish his second chance and treat you better...but you thought wrong....you really can't teach old dogs new tricks...they won't stick...he'll just revert back to his old ways and habits...all the 'he'll change becoz of love' mantra...bollocks!!! even in fairy tales, the prince charming never changed becoz of love...what makes you think it would be any better in real life?

You just pray that you won't end up being bitter and too jaded...even if you have to spend the rest of your life without a man by your side while all the people around you seem to be enjoying marital bliss...really, you are happy for them...you just wonder why it doesn't happen for you...perhaps you're being too choosy...don't think so...sigh...maybe you should just forget about this whole looking for a life partner quest (after all you're not even actively searching) and enjoy your single life travelling around the world the way you want it...

What do men want?

Sometimes you really wonder, what exactly do men want? and what are they thinking about when they're not saying anything to you? of course some men honestly aren't thinking at all most of the time...you can't seem to figure out why does he want to see you so much, is willing to go through all the trouble to meet you, only to spend most of his time sleeping...and when both of you are together, he doesn't seem too interested to talk to you...he doesn't really tell you about his day, doesn't really talk about his work, he'd rather watch tv....

And after he has met you, he doesn't call you for a week (or more)...oh sure, he sends you smses...but they're mostly one or two-liners...before, he would call you everyday even though both of you live in different continents...now, you ask him if he wants to chat, and he gives you vague excuses about needing to finish his work...really, if he is so into you, won't he just take 10 mins off his work and call you just to say hi and wish you goodnight? and you stupidly wonder, and cry yourself to sleep...

You don't want to be unreasonable..after all, a man should concentrate on his career...but there really are many discrepancies between how he used to treat you and how he treats you now...you really want to believe that he really means it when he says "i want you"...so why isn't he even acting like he wants you? you're a hopeless romantic, so you hope to make things work...so you will be patient...but you know even you can't wait too long...society isn't kind to aging unmarried career woman...

My advice to you is this...protect your own heart...coz no one else would...believe that someday, God will bring you to the man He meant for you...and that man will love you and want you just as you will love and want him...even if it happens when you're 60...

The Malignant MO...

I know i know...i've been slacking in my posts for my blog lately...just that i've been busy with on calls and locums...and the only few things i can write about my work are bad calls, useless HOs, more bad calls, more useless HOs....you get the idea...and that would get rather dry after a while... just the other day i was having breakfast with Siang Lin and a few other MOs, he labelled me a malignant MO...along with the other female MOs...oh yea, us MOs have started to go for breakfast sessions as well (when time allows) since all our HOs will be having their ritual big table breakfast at the hospital cafe every morning (without fail) before they go to clinic/ot/scope room etc...and they have always managed to arrive later than the MOs and specialists...

Honestly, i don't really give a damn if the HOs think i'm a malignant MO coz i scold them for the things they didn't do...if i were a patient, i wouldn't want any of these inefficient HOs to be looking after me...you're wondering, how bad can the HOs be right? if you read my previous post, you would be appalled...and i'm actually post call today...and i've always managed to end up having an inefficient HO as my OT call HO...this one has no insight of his inabilities...and still dared to ask me to let him do appendicectomy...he couldn't tie his own OT gown properly...can tell me that he forgot to have his breakfast in the morning so he was very hungry while i myself hadn't had breakfast and was still working as he was...does not know what is AKA...and he just plain irritates me with the things he says...but at least i suppose he is still a bit better than the one i described in my previous post...

Really, what is becoming of the healthcare quality in Malaysia?...these new bunch of HOs have no learning initiative...do not understand work ethics of a doctor and some are actually dangerous to patients...there really shouldn't be a need to scold them since they are adults...but since they don't work/act/behave like adults/professionals, there's no use treating them like one...here i go again.... HO-bitching again...but i do still have many stories to tell...but if i told them, i may cause many to lose all faith in us doctors...

Bridesmaid dress....

I haven't been updating my blog for about a week...guess i've been busy and distracted....and there isn't much happening lately...was doing locum from 2-8pm yesterday...quite busy...but what to do... have to earn more money coz will have more liability now that Petrina's going to med school...anyway, Elaine texted me and asked if i thought it was a good idea if she made dresses for her bridesmaids...she was thinking about something short, simple and flattering to all types of body habitus...

So i got quite excited and told her i'd help her look for some designs and email them to her...so i was surfing the net for photos of bridesmaid dresses...in between seeing patients...saw quite some lovely ones...i found some one-shoulder dresses which i liked a lot...and some v-neck, cap-sleeve and strapless ones...so in the end she decided she wanted us to be wearing strapless dresses with ribbon at the waist...

Actually, i've been surfing the net for wedding dresses the last few days...suddenly had the urge to check out wedding dress designs....must have been coz i went to see Elaine and Siang Lin's wedding photos few days back...was thinking, if i could draw, i'd probably have been a fashion designer instead of a doctor...at least i won't be missing a PGU like how i did on my Saturday call...sigh....

Anyway, Elaine's gonna be checking out the material for her bridesmaids' dresses...she's thinking of maroon colour...and i'm supposed to be taking my measurements for the dress...gosh...don't dare to measure...might be utterly shocked at how much i've grown...:P

'Truly amazing'....

I haven't been HO-bitching for a while...was trying to break bad habits...unfortunately, i was on call with a 'truly amazing' HO recently...i just had to blog it down so i won't forget about the things that happened during that call...so apparently it was this particular HO's first OT call...boss has always been telling me he thought this HO (let's call him B) was a little weird...and he definitely was no brightest brick in the block....but i actually got to know how thick his skull was during that call...

We had 3 operations that day...2 appendicectomies and 1 PGU repair...thank God only 1 op required my 2nd MO to come in...or else he might have died of MI or stroke if he saw the things B did while he's scrubbed...i think my BP increased by at least 20% that day...so the 1st appendicectomy...it was as if B had never scrubbed up in his entire life...coz he doesn't even know how to put on the OT gown...the nurse had to instruct him how to do it...then after he gloved up, he put his hands below his waist...anything below waist is considered not sterile...the nurse told him off once...and twice...and thrice...and he kept doing it....

And during the op, he isn't helpful at all...doesn't retract where i need to see...even though i already placed the retractor where i want it for him to hold, he'd still manage to move the retractor out of place...it was quite frustrating....and he would put his free arm behind his back...much to the astonishment of my scrub nurse...who told him time and again that the back is also non-sterile area...he didn't just do this for the 1st appendicectomy...he was doing the same things again during the 2nd appendicectomy...i mean really....even a cat/dog can be trained to obey commands when told or showed enough times....

The icing on the cake was when he was helping me drape for the PGU repair patient...usually we'd drop the sterile towel so that we won't come into contact with non-sterile environment...but no, our hero B did a graceful arabesque and nicely placed the sterile towel over the patient's top while gently brushing the GA HO's head (who is a guy) with his hand....my eyes totally popped out...i just couldn't help but to yell at him and asked him to change his bloody glove coz he still had that clueless look on his face as if i was yelling at him for no reason....it was actually damn funny to watch it happen...except that i couldn't laugh at that time coz patient's life was in hand...if any of the 3 patients had post-op wound infection, we'd know where the germs came from...

By the time we were closing the patient's wound, i've had enough of B that i asked him to please unscrub...i actually asked him if there was anything wrong with him...he answered that he was not feeling well...but i don't think that's an acceptable reason for being totally thick-skulled and plain stupid...after that, the urology consultant came in for a cystoscopy and asked the OT call HO to scrub in...i called the runner to go in instead...to spare the consultant the risk of MI or stroke...

I just pray he won't be my OT call HO again anytime soon....he's Siang Lin's OT call HO today...will see what Siang Lin has to comment about B....Lord help us all...

Goodbye Grandma...

I was on call on Tuesday...got a message from Mom telling me that grandma passed away at 9.15am that morning...i didn't cry...i guess i was kinda expecting the news...she hasn't been well since her choking incident during CNY...she had a left BKA done about 2 months ago...been on tube feeding since her choking incident...i supposed that's enough suffering for a poor old lady...

I was never really close to this grandma (she was my dad's mom)...she used to live in Taiping...and i only saw her once a year during CNY...but i remembered that i loved going back to Taiping...my grandpa and grandma lived upstairs this shophouse...there was a Siamese temple on a plot of land next to where they lived...and i've always been intrigued by it...i've never entered the place until the recent Wednesday...they brought my grandma's body back from KL to Taiping...so the wake and funeral service was in the Siamese temple...

I flew back from KK on Wednesday...coz it would have been quite impossible to ask someone to take my call on Tuesday...had to ask boss to help me buy my flight tickets coz i couldn't get out of the hospital...the tickets cost me RM915...and that's the cheapest already, i guess...and i was flying airasia...oh well, no choice...my bro drove my elder sis, my 1st aunt and i back to Taiping...we reached just in time for the prayer service...by the time we finished it was about 930pm...so we went for supper at this place my Dad calls "Kam Pin" (coz it was located among rows of goldsmith and pawn shops)...

Then we went to check-in at this new hotel at the lake garden called The Flemington...bathed and slept...felt quite tired after a whole day of travelling...wanted to skip breakfast and sleep more but my parents wouldn't allow it...we were at the temple again about 9am...the funeral service started about 1015am...then we went to the burial ground...my grandma was buried next to my grandpa...after we checked-out from the hotel, we went to have our customary chendol before we drove back to kl...

I don't usually cry at funerals...especially those of old people...i supposed it's coz i feel that at least my grandma isn't suffering anymore...and that she's in a better place...towards the end, she didn't even recognize me anymore...perhaps when we meet again on the other side, she would remember me...Goodbye Grandma...rest in peace...