这是惩罚么?

主阿， 你这是在惩罚我么? 我人都要走了啦。。。还要我那么常接近他么? 明知道我们是不可能的， 为什么还这样的安排? 你是否要我的证明让你看到我不会不舍得离开么? 主阿， 你别担心。。。我答应你， 我只会爱上爱你的男人。。。而且我现在的心，好像没有能力去爱一个人了。。。所以我也不会不舍得任何人。。。我只想从新开始。。。在新的环境， 面对新的挑战， 认识新的人。。。也许那个人会在那边等我吧。。。

Happy Easter...and a letter...

I just came back from church a while ago...it was quite packed...almost triggered the agoraphobic in me to run away and hide...but it's Easter...i should be there where God's people are...grateful for the usher who found me a seat...God bless him...we didn't have the routine praise and worship and the dreaded 'chat time' followed by sermon like every Sunday...we had the worship team singing....and then a short skit about transformation...that was pretty funny...and then there were some 15-20 church members who came on stage with cardboards that were written on both sides...one side was what/how/who they were before they met Christ and the other side was what/how/who they became after meeting Christ...quite touching...one that really stuck to me was a cardboard that said "Hole in one"...which turned into "Holy one"...hahaha, pretty smart that one...

I was supposed to go up as well...apparently what i wrote during the cell meeting was deemed worthy enough to be put up on stage...truth be told, i don't really recall what i actually wrote...well, unfortunately (or fortunately) i couldn't make it for the briefing and rehearsal for the thing coz i was on call on both of the days...anyway, since it's Easter today, i thought i'd come home and listen to this cd by Brian Doerksen titled 'You Shine'...it's a compilation of praise and worship songs...given to me by a friend when she found out Pa passed away...so yea, i'm listening to it now, while waiting for episode 5 of 'One Meter Sunshine' loads on tudou.com....

I left church after the service...met some people i know...said hi and that was that...no one asked if i would like to join them for lunch and i didn't really feel like asking to tag along for lunch...didn't even manage to say hi to Eric or Banjo or Melvyn...high profile people like that are always having conversations with other people...and i didn't feel like being rude and interrupt...i just realized something...becoming a hermit and being shrouded in loneliness is a conscious decision...and all i felt when i walked away from the crowded church was apathy...and i'll be leaving KK soon...but i'm neither overwhelmed with sadness nor happiness...yup, definitely jaded...

Been listening to (or at least trying to listen) Peter Ho's songs...nothing that i'd swoon over...Khalil Fong's still my music man for now...but there was a song called 一封信 or 'A Letter' that totally made me cry a river...the lyrics were written by Peter Ho and this song was dedicated to 2 of his fans...a young girl who has passed away and her best friend...just wanted to share the song MV and lyrics...really touching...wonder if Peter Ho went to church this morning...hopefully he's not too busy to celebrate Easter...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=my_5biwIG6E&feature=related

一封信

某年某月的某一天 (a certain day of a certain month and year)　
过境机场的角落里 (at a corner of the airport's transit)
一个陌生的小女孩 (an unfamiliar young girl)　
用着颤抖的口吻 (using a trembling tone)　我终于 　找到了你 (i've finally found you)

从她的怀里 (from her embrace)　跌落一封信 (a letter fell)　
微黄的纸张 (a tiny piece of yellowed paper)　清秀的笔迹 (with delicate handwriting)

我不认识你　却已经认识你 (i don't know you but am already familiar with you)
你从神经的最末梢　闯入我的生命里 (passing through the very last days , you charged into my life)
我不敢爱你　却十倍的爱你 (i dare not love you but loved you 10 fold more)
我在生命的最终点　鼓起勇气告诉你 (at the very end of my life, i took the courage to let you know)

某年某月的某一天 (a certain day of a certain month and year)　
北方医院的角落里 (at a corner of a hospital in the north)
躺在病榻前的女孩 (the girl lying at the sick bed) 　
燃烧最后　的光点 (kindling her last brightness)　写下了　她祝福 (wrote down her blessings)

星星一样的小光点 (like the tiny twinkling of the stars in the sky)　
我在这里看着你 (i'm here watching after you)
在阴天的心情里 (when the mood is like an overcast sky)　
却有阳光的温暖 (yet there is the warmth of sunshine)

Surviving 7 successive EOD calls...and Butterfly Lovers...

Yesterday was Good Friday...and i finally finished my 7 successive EOD (every other day) calls this month...totally gave a new meaning to TGIF!...i guess i asked for it...was trying to finish up my leave since i'm leaving for masters soon...so i took 2 weeks off this month leaving me with only 2 working weeks...and each of us surgical MOs had to have 7 calls this month...hence my torturous 2 weeks...but yea, thank God that i survived without any mishap...

And i supposed watching 'Butterfly Lovers' aka 梁山伯与祝英台 helped me through these 2 weeks as well...been watching the 41 episode series which stars Peter Ho and Dong Jie (this is the newer version)...i've always loved this story...it's just too tragically romantic...and i love Peter Ho as 梁山伯... he's quite fitting in period stories like this...although his 欧辰 in 'Summer's Desire' is probably the best so far...i'm starting to watch another of his drama series called 'One Meter Sunshine'...old one...digging up all his older dramas...

Tomorrow's Easter...will be going to church...just have to make sure i don't wake up late...thinking of going to Tg Aru in the evening to watch the sunset...if it doesn't rain...

为何?

有人问我，"为何喜欢上电视剧的男主角 (或者第二男主角)?" 那不是太不实地了么? 我也知到啊。。。投入进电视剧里的世界就像一场甜梦。。。做完了， 醒来了，就会留下美好的回忆。。。我很清楚戏里的男主角是不存在的。。。那至少他不会来告诉我他不喜欢我。。。他爱的是别人。。。他只当我是好朋友。。。永远都是好朋友。。。相反来说，爱上了真正的男人， 他会来告诉我，"对不起， 我根本没喜欢过你， 我们的性格差太多了， 我们的相隔是无法拉近的"。。。

我一个人生活，怎么孤单也能承受。。。但被我心爱的人拒绝而伤害是多么的难受。。。我真的受不了。。。我也该很清楚因为我也伤害过我心爱的人。。。或许是难免的。。。所以为了自保和避免伤害我爱的人，还是自己一个人吧。。。我就是那么悲观。。。

恶梦。。。

昨天我 on call 了。。。过了一周的平静假期，又要开始熬夜了。。。昨晚忙到快三点才得睡。。。每两个小时又来电话。。。在短短那俩小时我作了一场恶梦。。。又梦到不该梦到的人了。。。我是怎么啦。。。想梦到的人又梦不到。。。不想梦到的人又常出现在我梦境里。。。

在梦中里，他突然来我家。。。而我家又不是我现在住的家。。。奇怪。。。我们谈了挺久。。。谈些什么我也模糊不清。。。只记得有水一直流在地下流到外面。。。然后我们就去散步。。。他忽然包者我的腰而抓者我的手。。。真的吓了我一跳。。。我问他，"你不是有了女朋友么?"。。。他说，"是啊，但我也是要你当我女朋友"。。。哇!!! 真的气死我了。。。幸好我没有一巴掌飞过去。。他竟然那么大胆。。。然后我就被电话吵醒了。。。

想一回，我应该打他。。而且该打几次。。。打醒他。。。一脚踏两船的男人是活该得。。。算了。。。别让一场恶梦破了我的心情。。。好了。。。要出去跟 Elaine 和 Siang Lin 吃午餐了。。。