新年了。。你快乐么?

忽然想用中文写出我的感觉。。昨晚很想大哭一场。。但哭不出了。。我真的没什么好哭么? 还是隐藏了太久所有悲伤? 所以已经不会真真得哭? 虽然没哭到天亮，不过也不能沉睡。。心情不安。。脚又很痒。。让我今天那么累。。还好早回家。。睡了两小时。。又怕今晚不能睡。。还好吃了piriton, 就能睡了。。明天又on call了。。应该早点睡。。晚安了。。希望你们的新年都会快快乐乐。。

Another round of post-holiday blues...

Yea, i'm back in KK...just got back tonight...and totally feeling the post-holiday blues...it's back to work for me tomorrow...and i really hate that sinking feeling...i supposed this is akin to how depressive people feel when they 'sink' into depression...but i don't even have a depressive trait...

I was looking forward to going back to KL for a break...but the holiday mood was clouded by my granny's hospitalization...and yet i don't exactly want to come back to KK and start working...i just feel like running away and hide...to someplace where no one knows who i am...

The only silver lining to the cloud this time round back to KL is that my niece Sylvia no longer dislikes me...in fact, she loves me...she was calling me over and over again...telling me about this and that.. asking me to sit with her...she would even hug and kiss me...and we'd watch dvd together...dang!!! i miss her already...

I know that i've a lot to be thankful for...but at the moment i just wanna curl up in bed and bawl...for things i haven't really grieved about...for things that i pretend as if they never happened...for all the times i didn't cry when i should have......and tomorrow will be another day....

A twist of fate....

I was expecting today to be just another boring Wednesday where i'll laze around at home...no offense to people with active social lives but i actually like lazing around at home doing nothing... but just when i was about to have lunch (we were having ready made spagetthi carbonara at home), Twink called me and asked me if i wanted to catch a movie...she wanted to watch Valentine's Day...i was like...er...i'm not really in the mood for a Valentine movie...i'd rather be watching Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief...

So i checked the movie schedules...initially we were supposed to watch at mid valley but apparently Twink drove past mid valley and saw that the parking areas were all full...so change of venue..she suggested Tropicana City Mall...they were playing Valentine's Day at 355pm and Percy Jackson at 440pm...since Twink wanted to watch Valentine's Day so she said she'll come pick me up about 315pm...and i dragged Pei along since she hasn't been to Tropicana City Mall as well...

Twink came to pick us up about 320pm...and she was driving happily to Tropicana City Mall untill we reached Jaya One and then she was like...OH NO!!! i drove to the wrong mall...and we all burst out laughing....hahahaha...apparently Twink thought Tropicana City Mall was where Jaya One was... so we were trying to find our way to the real Tropicana...Twink called Rudi aka the boyfriend for directions..no luck there...she called her dad...no luck there as well...so we were driving around and suddenly we saw banners showing Tropicana City Mall...

So we followed the banners and managed to reach there about 405pm...got to the GSC but by the time we got to the ticket counters it was too late for Valentine's Day...yes!!!! so we had to watch Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief after all...prior to going out, i actually typed in my FB status that i was going for Valentine's Day...God help me!!! so He heard my call for help after all....thank You Lord...anyway, Percy Jackson wasn't that great...acting was awkward...lines were cliche...but interesting lessons on Greek Mythology...

After that, Twink dropped us off to meet my family for dinner at Midah....then Kit Yin called to go for a drink...but we ended up just chatting at my place...it was good to catch up with old friends...then i came online and saw all my inquisitive guy friends leaving comments on my FB status...from wishing me good luck to asking me who's the guy...seriously, if i was going for a belated Valentine's day date, would i bother announcing on FB? i didn't even realize my status implied anything of that sort...and i thought i was the one with wild imagination...

Anyway, it's time to go back to KK tomorrow evening...sigh...i haven't had enough of staying at home and doing nothing yet...oh well, life goes on...just have to grit my teeth and work through each day till my next holiday...whenever that will be...

What a Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day...

So this Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day was quite a good reflection of the inadequacy of my social life...and i ended up spending it in the hospital anyway, despite the fact that i was back in KL... there i was, hoping to have a good rest from anything remotely medical when i'm back in KL, but i guess you can't run away from your calling huh?

(Maybe i'm getting delusional, but someone up there might not want me to post this...i finished the damn post only to find out i couldn't publish it coz the net was down...so now i have to restart from here...bugger!!)


We were having reunion dinner at my cousin's house...and i was just about to start enjoying my dinner when my aunty called me to check on my grandma...it appeared that she was choking...so i went and saw her turning blue...i was like shit!!! this isn't happening...short of cricothyroidotomy, we tried every non-invasive technique i could remember to try to dislodge the obstructed food particles but she only seemed to turn bluer by the second...thankfully, she started gasping...but she was having stridor which meant she was still pretty obstructed...so we had no choice but to bring her to the nearest medical centre which is a private one...

At the private medical centre, the locum doctor managed to suck out some huge slices of mushroom and she seemed to be breathing better...but her saturation was still fluctuating...the doctor was convinced that my granny had another stroke which caused her to choke...but knowing my granny, she was just stuffing food in her mouth and trying to swallow mushrooms in whole (she already has some dysphagia problem to begin with after her last stroke)...the doctor was planning for intubation in case her saturation dropped further but they couldn't put in an IV line for granny...initially i refrained myself from interfering but i wasn't about to let granny get hypoxic brain damage just coz some private medical centre nurses and locum doctor couldn't get IV access for granny...so i managed to put in an IV line on her leg before they managed to waste more IV brannulas and charge us for them...

But i wasn't really convinced that granny had another stroke and that she required intubation...her GCS was still about 11/15...and after they put in a Ryle's tube and suctioned her gastric contents, she vomited out another huge slice of mushroom and ta-da....no more obstruction...phew!!! my cousin Sam must have been praying fervently...thank God for His mercy...the doctor then said he was referring us to either another private hospital or a semi-government one for CT brain...so we opted for the semi-govenment hospital since the particular stint at this private medical centre has set us back RM600...

And the ambulance service cost us another RM150...so we reached the hospital about 1030pm...apparently if one of your relative is a medical staff, you get better and faster service...but between you and i, that's bollocks!!! to settle registration, blood investigations, CXR, ECG and CT brain, they took about 5 hours before granny was admitted...there were at least 5 doctors in the resuscitation hall (not sure if they had to run between that and the acute room next door) and about 5-6 patients...i supposed i should just shut up and never to complain about Queen anymore...coz considering that we have less doctors and a whole lot more patients in our casualty at each shift, we are doing a damn good job already...

While we were enduring the gruelling wait, i was watching "Casanova" on tv...Heath Ledger made a fine Casanova...how's that for an original Valentine's day activity huh? hahahaha....so finally granny was sent up to the geriartric ward at 13th floor at about 330am...they were treating her as aspiration pneumonia...so after settling down, i stayed to accompany granny till the others return during the day...it was like doing my 6th consecutive EOD...except that it was a little worse...coz i didn't have a bed to sleep in...and my 'patient' woke up every hour...really felt like asking for dormicum or alprazolam...but i made it to sunrise...and waited till noon before my parents came to relieve me...i was quite hungry and grouchy by then...

Spending the night at the hospital was the last thing on my mind when i came home for my CNY break... but i guess God always have other plans for us...anyway, granny has enough grandchildren to rotate as caregiver for her...you don't need to be a medical staff to be a caregiver...you just need to have plenty of love and compassion...which i think is much lacking among the ward staffs...and i need whatever little break i have to survive another stretch of EODs for God-knows how long...

Anyhow, Happy Chinese New Year and Valentine's Day...oh well, it's just another Sunday...(dang!! i'm sounding more and more jaded)

A call of wrong diagnoses...

So i was on call again yesterday...yea, my housemen kept commenting that i'm on call too often...so do the OT staffs...and i couldn't agree more...but that was only my 4th consecutive EODs...i still have another call tomorrow before i can go home and enjoy my Chinese New Year hols...

Anyway, there weren't too many cases yesterday...in fact, there were only 2 surgery cases...one was supposedly an acute appendicitis....the girl had quite a thick abdominal wall...and i had quite a hard time just trying to get to her peritoneum....and when i finally did, i had problem locating the appendix... so i had to SOS Chan for help...finally we found the tiny little appendix drowned in the sea of peritoneal fat...and...it was white!!! dang!!! quite embarrassing...couldn't even find a white appendix...bah!!!

Then at night, there was another supposedly perforated appendix....i opened up at 11pm...the guy was thin so i reached the peritoneum easily...but somehow i couldn't seem to breach the peritoneum...or so i thought...so Chan ended up coming in...he also had problem so we converted to a midline incision...and we realized why we couldn't seem to breach the peritoneum...we had actually breached the peritoneum...but the whole abdomen was covered with dense adhesion...why? that was beyond us...but it was definitely not the appendix's fault...and we had a hard time doing adhesiolysis...we finally finished about 230am...

We ta pau-ed another appendix...coz we weren't gonna risk another wrong diagnosis...2 for the day was more than enough....and all the while i thought my appendicectomy skill was getting from bad to worse...first cannot find a white appendix...then cannot even breach the peritoneum...i was telling my houseman i felt so discouraged...:(...but i guess we learn new things everyday huh? Lord, just help me to survive my next call tomorrow...and i'll be coming back home...to KL that is...

When tragedy strikes...

I was on call yesterday....it wasn't too bad a call....did 2 appendicectomies and an I & D...assisted in a laparotomy and AKA...finished my last case about 1am...then i overheard the OT staffs mentioning about a bus being involved in an accident near Tg Aru...there were 20 passengers in the bus and the accident occurred at about 1230am....

So i was bracing myself for an onslaught of admissions...but i didn't receive any calls from the people in Queen side...so about 2am, just as i was about to fall asleep, Chan called me and asked me if i heard about the bad accident (Chan was my 2nd call)...and i said i only heard about the bus accident...but i didn't know if there was any other vehicle involved...and he blurted out that 3 housemen died in the accident...at first i was wondering why were the housemen in the bus..then Chan said there were 4 of them in the car...

Chan mentioned the names of the 2 guys and i gasped involuntarily...i didn't personally know them but our paths had crossed at least once...the only survivor in the car was a female houseman who escaped with a right clavicle fracture and right hip fracture-dislocation...and a lifetime of trauma i suppose...according to eyewitnesses (there was another group of housemen in another car following the car), the driver drove very fast...and he was driving his convertible with the roof down...when the other car reached the accident scene, they saw the convertible car overturned and was a heap of scrap metal...and the bus was overturned as well...

I was so shocked after receiving Chan's call that i couldn't fall asleep again...my mind was in overdrive...suddenly i was so aware of my mortality...i was thinking that it could have been me...one of these days when i'm post call and have been working for more than 36 hours straight, i might just doze off while i was driving home and never wake up again...and i kept thinking about how the families of the deceased housemen would receive the news...their parents would be so crushed...and i thought of how i would react if i were the one receiving the news...scared the sleep out of me....but somehow i guess i drifted off into a fitful sleep...

I was awakened by my houseman to inform me that one of my appendicectomy was desaturating... i went to see the patient...her saturation was about 94% on air...which was her baseline in OT...she was in pain...gave her some oxygen and pain killer...her saturation picked up to 100% and her pain reduced...but i can't help worrying that something might be going on in her abdomen...praying hard that i didn't perforate any bowel or the tie didn't slip from the stump...

Then i saw the female houseman who was admitted under orthopaedic...she seemed stable...apparently, while i was sitting in front with the other housemen who came to visit this female houseman, another ortho patient collapsed in the room at the other end...i didn't even realized it...coz no one called for help...suddenly Kevin the GA MO on call walked in and asked if the ortho HO referred any patient...i thought it was the female houseman...then suddenly one of the houseman who was visiting the female houseman told me that there was an ortho patient who collapsed and the ortho HOs were resuscitating the patient...

Then i saw the ortho MO on call walking in and to the back room...so i went to see what was happening...i asked the nurse if the patient was a DNR patient...she said no...so i asked her why aren't they resuscitating the patient...apparently the ortho HOs have been doing CPR for about 30 mins...i couldn't help wondering why they didn't call out when the patient collapsed...are the ortho HOs not allowed to call for help from a surgical MO although she was in the ward? am i not supposed to help resuscitate the patient since she wasn't my patient? the patient wasn't revived...may God bless her soul...

When deaths occur, i tend to ask God why...and my God-complex gets activated...i can't help thinking if the deaths could have been avoided...but i guess only God can determine the life and death of a person...but i can't help feeling that those 3 housemen's death were utterly unnecessary and avoidable...but all is too late now...may God bless their souls...and comfort their families and friends...grief can be such a horrible state to endure...

Going for wedding gown shopping...

I was post call yesterday...managed to sleep about 4 hours during my call...was in OT practically the whole of Sunday...even missed the makan that some of my colleagues organized...but the guys were very kind...they ta pau-ed and brought food for us on call ppl...so boss, Saidah and i had our dinner at about 11pm...was so hungry and tired...and the food tasted so good...hehe...

Was awakened at about 7am yesterday morning for an appendicectomy...i asked one of the HO to tell boss that i'd be in OT...halfway through the op, boss kept calling...but didn't manage to answer...finished my appendicectomy and rushed up to elective OT...praying hard there'll be no leak or infection for the guy...anyway, my bosses thought i was dead or kidnapped and they kidded that they were planning to call the cops to report for missing person...apparently the HO didn't tell boss that i was in OT coz boss didn't ask him where i was...hmmm...

So i was in OT the whole day yesterday....assisted in an anterior resection with defunctioning ileostomy and chemoport insertion which lasted 4 hours plus...it was fun...but my back was aching quite a bit after the op...OT finished about 7pm...but i went out earlier to do pm rounds...by the time i left the hospital it was about 8pm...

Elaine called me just before i left the hospital...she was bitching about the Kudat incident...hehe...so we talked for a while...then i had dinner at the Olde Station...then went home...just as i reached home, i got a msg from Elaine...saying that she needs my help to go wedding gown shopping in March or April...suddenly i was so excited, i totally forgot that i was dead tired...hehe...i just love shopping for wedding gown..even if it's not for myself...the last time i shopped for wedding gown was for my elder sister when she got married almost 4 years ago...finally i have another chance to go wedding gown shopping again...yay!!!

Well, so now besides my chinese new year break, i'll have Elaine's wedding gown shopping to look forward to...yea, i know...i'm so sad...i have to look forward to shopping for wedding gown for other ppl since i won't be shopping for mine anytime soon..;P...still, i can't wait for Elaine to come back to KK so that we can go wedding gown shopping...and have more frequent Chinese tuition sessions in karaoke...hehe...