Start-Up

      Merry Christmas and Happy Boxing Day!  It has been a quiet Christmas this year with the MCO and all... Didn't go to a church service physically but attended it virtually... Did some Christmas Eve shopping since I hadn't done any shopping since before CNY this year... Grocery shopping notwithstanding... A friend warned me not to let her find out that I ate instant noodles on Christmas so I had to go out for Christmas lunch at Morganfield's and post up proof o  n Instagram/FB... It was a good date with Jesus... Then I went shopping again... Was time to update my work wardrobe since I've been repeating my ensemble quite frequently over the past year... When you work 6-day-week, you run out of clothes pretty fast...

     Anyway, I just watched the K-drama "Start-Up" recently... And I have to say, it was one of the few that left a more lasting impact in my K-drama memory... The OST has quite a few catchy songs and a few that tugged at my heart... If you liked Itaewon Class, you would like Start-Up too as both have an underdog making it big theme... I know most people are on Team Ji-Pyeong and actually wished Dal-Mi would end up with him... But right from the start, I was on Team Do-San... Maybe because I've liked Nam Joo Hyuk fron watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo... But I guess it was more of Do-San's character whom made me rooted for him...

     Although Ji-Pyeong was the one who wrote all those letters to Dal-Mi when they were younger, he used Do-San's name.  By doing that, he literally gave his girl to another guy...  And when he left, he never once came back to look for Dal-Mi or her grandmother for the past 15 years... When fate eventually brought both their paths to meet again, instead of owning up the past, he actually looked for the real Nam Do-San to ask him to pretend to be the guy in the letters for Dal-Mi... Anyway, my point is that Ji-Pyeong had numerous chances to express his feelings for Dal-Mi... But he was a faint-hearted batter... Who was too afraid to hit the home run even though he had everything to his advantage... I really felt sorry for Ji-Pyeong that he didn't get the girl... And then I realized that I've been a Ji-Pyeong all the while...

     So entered Do-San who was a clueless loser at his best... He's probably a Savant who's a genius coder but has no inkling about the emotions of the heart...  But from the moment he met Dal-Mi, he started to change... Because Dal-Mi gave him the encouragement and trust he never received from his parents or anyone else...  He found his dream and finally dared to follow his dream...  And he took every chance he had to show Dal-Mi his feelings for her...  He was there to root for Dal-Mi when she needed him most... And I guess that was why even with his hands only, he managed to erase the 15 years worth of memories of Ji-Pyeong's letters...

     Ji-Pyeong said this in the drama: I had the letters for 15 years and yet I never looked for Dal-Mi, but he (Do-San) read the letters for 1 day and he went to look for Dal-Mi... I would choose Do-San over Ji-Pyeong any day... And I suppose that's why I liked this show a lot... Coz it finally broke the annoying 'fated to be together since young' theme that almost all K-dramas have...  I'm just over the moon that Do-San got the girl...

Angel's Last Mission : Love

      I shouldn't have started using Netflix... I've been on a K-drama binge on my 50-inch 4K TV since... Before it was on my phone... So the graphic details weren't so great... Anyway, since my last post, I've watched 3 more K-dramas namely, Save Me, I'm Not A Robot and Angel's Last Mission: Love... Save Me starred Seo Ye Ji (of It's Okay To Not Be Okay) and revolved around a girl who was trapped in the clutch of a cult while her 4 friends tried to save her... I think Seo Ye Ji as Im Sang Mi was great... her desperation to save herself and her parents from the cult was courageous and admirable...And the 4 friends from school reminded me of Friend The Legend except that none of them ended up as gangsters...

     I loved I'm Not A Robot not so much for the cast but for the AI theme... But of course the humanoid turned out to be a human after all... And it was quite creepy to have your crazy scientist ex-bf to create a humanoid who looks like you and then when the humanoid couldn't function, he asked you to pretend to be that humanoid to be tested by another guy... And of course the guy fell in love with the humanoid and the girl fell for the guy too... But what I loved most were the gadgets in the drama... I wonder if the changeable skin umbrella and heart balls really exist somewhere in the world...

     I just finished watching Angel's Last Mission : Love... I already feel like re-watching it... A ballerina and an angel... Totally my kind of love story... And the OST has really great songs... I actually first heard Oh My Angel in my OT while it was playing on YouTube... saw the MV showing the female lead dancing ballet... Had been wondering which drama it was when it popped up in my Netflix recommendation... talk about providence huh? I love ballet... Wished I had been more persistent in learning and practising pointe... but I've always knew I wouldn't be doing ballet for life... My boobs decided that for me... There was a time in my life when I wished I was flat-chested... I mean, have you ever seen a busty prima ballerina? But it's ok... These days, I'm glad I'm busty...

     The ballet performance they were preparing for was Giselle... It was a beautiful and tragic love story... Just like that of the male lead and female lead... They met when they were younger... But circumstances parted them... And the young boy drowned and died... But apparently he became an angel... And somehow the angel ended up meeting the girl again when she was in depth of despair... He saved her again and again even before he remembered his human past and the girl he promised he would protect when he grew up...

     I cried a lot watching this drama... And thought a lot of God and His Will... Since this drama involved an angel who fell in love with his mission subject... Angel Dan was supposed to help ballerina Yeon Seo to find true love... and they ended up finding true love in each other... So Angel Dan didn't fail in his mission... But angels are forbidden to fall in love with humans... Which then begs the question, why did God send that angel to that woman? If they were not meant to be together... But i suppose it was better to have met for 100 days and truly loved one another than an eternity without ever meeting your true love... Of course, the ill-fated lovers ended up together in the drama... At least that was worth my tears shed for them...

     Incidentally, a friend texted me today to announce to me that my gas-lighter of an ex-bf got married today... She started the text with 'Wow XXX got married'... I asked her why the Wow... and she answered because he managed to find a partner... I'm actually glad that he did... And I hope he will be happy and he will love his wife as God has intended him to... But I'm left wondering if I'll ever find my true love...

It's Okay To Not Be Okay

      I love the title of this drama... It's about as honest as it gets... It really is okay to not be okay... And I love how the characters in the drama are all pretty messed up mentally and emotionally... Finally a drama where I can actually relate to the characters... I supposed that's why this drama was top 10 on Netflix... most of us can relate to at least one of the character in the drama... 

     The drama revolved around Moon Gang Tae and his autistic elder brother Moon Sang Tae who have been on the run from the 'butterflies' since the murder of their mother... Enter Ko Moon Yeong, a children's book author with an antisocial personality trait who happened to be Moon Sang Tae's favourite author... Gang Tae and Moon Yeong seemed to have got off on the wrong foot right from the start... But she somehow developed an obsession on Gang Tae and kept hunting him down...

     So as with all K-drama, the male and female lead would always have had a childhood encounter... Although in this case, it wasn't a pleasant encounter and as fate would have it, their past intertwined in a web of ugly mess which might have eventually destroyed their chance of finding healing and happiness...

     I like how Moon Yeong described Gang Tae as the 'safety pin' to her 'bomb'...  She's volatile and impulsive... He's patient and rational... Although that's not really how Gang Tae is... He just had to be that way for his brother's sake... I cried so much for Gang Tae... as I can relate to him much more than Moon Yeong... Gang Tae's mother told him that she had him so that he would take care of his elder brother... It's like that's the only use of Gang Tae in this world... Imagine growing up believing that... His life was so suppressed and repressed because of the burden he had to carry...

     Gang Tae never felt he could have a life of his own because he was 'stuck' to his brother... But then he fell in love with Moon Yeong and finally dared to dream of having his own life... Just as things seem to be going well, he discovered that his mother was actually murdered by Moon Yeong's psychopathic mother... I cried so hard when Gang Tae showed up for the family portrait shoot which Moon Yeong and Sang Tae wanted to have to make them a 'family'... The pain that Gang Tae was going through knowing the truth and yet wanting to protect them from knowing the truth... totally bawled my eyeballs out...

      I'm glad that Moon Yeong actually found love in Gang Tae... that poor girl had such a traumatic childhood it was amazing she actually grew up being functional physically... I think there's something hopeful about 2 emotionally and mentally dysfunctional souls finding healing and happiness in each other... It gives hope to emotionally and mentally dysfunctional souls like me that maybe we too can eventually find healing and happiness...

     I love the illustrations in Moon Yeong's books... It's very Tim Burton-esque... And I like how each episode is correlated to one of her books... I especially like The Cheerful Dog story... And how Gang Tae helped cut Moon Yeong's hair (symbolizing cutting off her leash)... Also the scene where Gang Tae punched the guy who slapped Moon Yeong and then he got suspended and he was so happy coz he finally could go on a trip with Moon Yeong... Yeah, ok, I love all the scenes where Gang Tae was smiling happily...

     So what I didn't understand was how did Moon Yeong's mother didn't die although her father killed her... Just goes to show it's so difficult for a bad person to die... And to think after all these years she still came back to haunt their lives and even tried to kill Gang Tae... Thank God for Sang Tae who saved the day...

     Anyway, I had a revelation on why and how girls ended up going crazy for Korean oppas from watching this drama... Took me so long to realize the power of positive reinforcement... So if anyone realized this, the male lead always have a few scenes where he gets oogled at by women... the girls would be all looking at the male lead and saying how good looking he is... Even if the person who was watching the drama probably didn't find the male lead good looking initially, after 16 episodes of such positive reinforcement, anyone would think Gong Yoo, Lee Jong Suk and Kim Soo Hyun good looking... Oh, this works vice versa too... That's why people think Jun Ji Hyun and Park So Dam are gorgeous...

     I guess if I tell myself that I'm gorgeous while looking in the mirror a few times a day I would eventually start believing that too... Well, it worked like magic for Lee Young Jun in What's Wrong With Secretary Kim? Might be worth a try...

What's Wrong With Secretary Kim?

      So I decided to bingewatch another Park Seo Joon k-drama while waiting for It's Okay Not To Be Okay to finish releasing its episode so I could bingewatch it... Ended up watching What's Wrong with Secretary Kim? Or my preferred title which is actually What's Wrong With Vice President Lee? Coz I lost count of the number of times I asked "What's wrong with that guy?" I have to say though that this Rom Com had me laughing in stitches thanks to the obnoxiously narcissistic character of the male lead Lee Young Jun...

     I almost gave up watching it after the 1st episode coz I couldn't stand Lee Young Jun... Secretary Kim aka Kim Mi So is a saint for being able to put up with her boss for 9 years... Having dated a narcissist, I really do have a strong aversion towards such character... But I suppose this is the magic of K-drama: I went from "Ugh! I can't stand this obnoxious narcissistic guy!" in the first 8 episodes to "😍😍😍 I so want to marry this guy!" in the last 8 episodes... The heart is such a fickle creature! But of course, in reality, a narcissist never changes its stripes...

     If there's a persistent theme in all these idol series, it is this: the male lead and the female lead have always met when they were younger... Either in their preteen / teen years...And somehow they were separated and met again as destiny intended a decade or 2 later... In this drama, young Lee Young Jun (or Lee Sung Hyeon), age 9 and Kim Mi So, age 5 were kidnapped by a mentally disturbed woman who ended up hanging herself in front of the 2 kids... Sung Hyeon managed to free both of them and brought Mi So home... she then proposed to him saying that they should get married when they grow up... Sung Hyeon agreed and even made a pinky promise with her... However, by the time Sung Hyeon emerged from the traumatic experience and went back to look for Mi So, the neighbourhood no longer existed as it was being turned into an amusement park by Sung Hyeon's father's company...

     So here's the thing, I've had the same experience of proposing to a guy at a tender age of 5 while we were lying under the seats of our school bus on our way back from kindergarten almost on a daily basis (that poor boy, he must have been so traumatized)... of course he never said yes and there was no pinky promise... and by the time I met him again in high school, I didn't think I wanted to marry him at all... And he, having had to go through such trauma probably avoided me at all cost... But yeah, that's real life for you...

     I guess my opinion of Lee Young Jun changed a little after I realized that he was the guy Mi So was looking for and he recognized her when she first started working in his company... But Mi So didn't recognize him coz she forgot his name and the whole traumatic experience... She only remembered there was an oppa who showed her kindness and comforted her when she was scared and alone... He didn't tell her back then because he thought it was good that she didn't remember because he grew up remembering the traumatic experience and being haunted by nightmares of the dead woman every day of his life while having to pretend that he didn't remember anything about it... Coz his useless elder brother developed false memory that he was the one being kidnapped and caused so much havoc for the family... Oh, and that's another persistent theme in k-dramas: the chaebol always has a traumatic childhood experience that leaves him scarred for life and can only be cured by the love of the female lead

     I suppose Young Jun's character was his defense mechanism... He kept young women at bay because he was traumatized by a young woman... He had to live a life of perfection and keep telling himself how great and awesome he was to keep his psyche from falling apart... He thought by making Mi So his secretary, he would be able to keep her by his side always... until the day she told him she was going to quit her job and find her own life... I guess that's when his facade of Mr Perfect fell apart...

     If I thought his excessive self-confidence and self-love was funny, I found his attempts to romance Mi So even funnier... Watching Park Seo Joon's goofy crinkly-eyed grin whenever he's pleased with himself and thinking of Mi So just gets to me every time... Yes, I have a weakness for men with crinkly-eyed smiles... 

     I learned a new term in the drama... The curse of the blockbuster... Apparently this is where a guy brings a girl on a blockbuster date (meaning an extravagant and elaborate date that requires a lot of money) and the girl will find all dates with other ordinary men less desirable... Pretty accurate I suppose...

     Of course there was a happy ending for this couple... A guy like Lee Young Jun will always get his girl... But I especially love the proposal part (and also the funny scenes when he's trying to think of ways to propose)... Of course the chaebol always knows how to play the piano... And so Young Jun was playing the piano and singing his heart out for Mi So... And as he was proposing, he said he will sing for her for the rest of their lives (coz Mi So said his lullaby calms her down and helps her fall asleep)... I thought that was the most romantic thing, ever... 

     Okay, it's time to watch It's Okay Not To Be Okay now...

Itaewon Class: Find me a Park Saeroyi

     So after Hospital Playlist, I decided to take a break from bingeing on K-dramas as I was afraid I might start speaking Korean in my dreams... Then my OT sister suggested I should watch Itaewon Class if i wasn't looking for a mushy lovey-dovey romantic K-drama... which I did... And I fell hook, line, sinker for Park Saeroyi... No, I don't have a crush on Park Seo Joon (the actor who played Park Saeroyi) and I did have a wee bit of a problem with Park Saeroyi's bowl cut (or chestnut cut)... But I've never been one who is so shallow as to judge a guy from his hairstyle...

     I know this might cause an outcry (maybe even a boycott) from every female, but I really do prefer Park Saeroyi to Ri Jeong Hyeok (although I'm still in the process of getting over my Hyun Bin crush)... I love Park Saeroyi for his resolute determination... from sticking to his principles and integrity... to not giving up in reaching his goals and ambitions... Despite going through a series of unfortunate events... from being expelled from high school for standing up against a bully, to losing his father in the hands of the said bully, to ending up in jail for assaulting the same bully...

     He had a high school crush, Oh Soo Ah, who ended up working for his enemy's company... He told her that he liked her but she told him not to fall for her and that she will only date rich men... So he was determined to become rich... But of course his first and ultimate goal was to destroy his enemy, Jang Dae Hee and his son Jang Geung Won (who killed Saeroyi's father)... Anyway, Soo Ah probably liked Saeroyi too... But she made her life decisions which prevented her from being with Saeroyi... She thought Saeroyi's feelings for her would never change, which was why she took it for granted and prioritized her goals over him... 

     Enter Jo Yi Seo into Saeroyi's life... I must say this female protagonist was initially quite antagonistic... She brought nothing but trouble to Saeroyi... but through their interactions and unexpected encounters, she realized her psychotic/ sociopathic self was actually capable of having feelings for a person of the opposite sex... I even like how she stole Saeroyi's first kiss... And I loved how she told Saeroyi that she will help make his dreams come true... And how she was betting her life on him... And that she would destroy the ppl who messed with him... Indeed, who knew having a woman with psychopathic/ sociopathic tendency who is obsessively in love with you would be beneficial to your business development and success...

     I loved how the Itaewon Class team consisted of various misfits who all came together and became like a family... But I supposed if you had a boss like Park Saeroyi, you would even die for his cause... Saeroyi is one of such rare character who really walked the talk and never compromised his integrity and always valued his people... There's no way you wouldn't trust your life with him... from his ex-cellmate gangster Choi Seung Gwon, the transgender cook Ma Hyun Yi, the bastard child of Jang Dae Hee, Jang Geun Soo to the 'foreigner' black half Korean Kim Toni, Saeroyi saw the potential and value in each of them...

     Although Park Saeroyi was the leader every team dreamed of having, I must say that the true brains were really Jo Yi Seo and Lee Ho Jin (the high school kid who was the bully victim of Jang Geung Won)... Jo Yi Seo was the brilliant manager whose social influencing and marketing skills propelled Danbam to fame and success... And Lee Ho Jin was the genius hedge fund manager who helped turn Saeroyi's millions into billions... I think I need a genius hedge fund manager for myself too...

     I know this would unlikely happen in real life but I was so happy when Park Saeroyi finally realized that he was in love with Jo Yi Seo... Although he was probably already in love with her even from the beginning... But because of his sense of loyalty to his high school crush Soo Ah and also his sense of loyalty to his 'brother' Jang Geun Soo (Geun Soo was in love with Yi Seo), he felt that he couldn't have feelings for Yi Seo... At least in this drama, the girl who gave her everything for the guy got the guy in the end...

     There are only 3 kissing scenes between Saeroyi and Yi Seo throughout the drama which made all the romance between these 2 socially inept beings all the more sweeter and heart-warming... There was a scene in the final episode where Yi Seo asked Saeroyi if he liked her... He answered, no, I love you... It's probably lame and cheesy coming from any other guy... But coming from Saeroyi, I wouldn't mind hearing it a thousand times... 

     I do wonder, if I've been living my life like Oh Soo Ah or Jo Yi Seo... Regretfully, I think I've been more like Oh Soo Ah... But I supposed I've never met a Park Saeroyi... So I've never felt like I could bet my life on anyone... So here's a take home message from Itaewon Class: if you ever met a Jo Yi Seo in your life, be a Park Saeroyi to her and never lose her no matter what you do... and if I ever find a Park Saeroyi in my life, I'll be a Jo Yi Seo for him... I'll definitely bet my life on him and help him make his dreams come true...

Hospital Playlist

     My cousin recommended Hospital Playlist to me... She thought I would like it as it was relatable to me... She did warn me that the first few episodes might be confusing as there were many characters and stories that revolved around them... So I gave it a try and I loved it from the moment go... this from someone who refused to watch Grey's Anatomy at the height of its popularity... Yes, at that time I felt that my life was Grey's Anatomy enough (minus the sex and scandals) so I didn't need to watch my life happening on TV...

     Hospital Playlist tells of 5 doctors who went to med school together and were now at age 40 working together in a university hospital... There's Chae Song Hwa, the perfect female Neurosurgeon who is tone-deaf... Lee Ik-Jun, the popular funny guy Hepatobiliary surgeon who became a single father (his son U-ju has got to be the cutest kid ever)... Ahn Jeong Won, the soft-hearted Paediatric surgeon who is hell-bent on becoming a priest... Kim Jun Wan, the asshole Cardiothoracic surgeon who is actually kind and warm-hearted... And Yang Seok-Hyeong, the divorced, introverted and "slow-witted" Ob/Gyn who wanted to start a band with his fellow friends...

     No prize for guessing who is my favourite character among the 5... although I'm actually torn between Jeong Won and Jun Wan....Jeong Won reminded me of myself back then... No, I never wanted to be a nun... I'm not even Catholic... It was his passion for his patients... His sorrow when he couldn't save his patients... And his joy when his patients get better... And his love for God... Jun Wan is the ultimate cool and efficient surgeon whom I inspire to be... but I never wanted to be a cardiothoracic surgeon... he may not have been the most empathetic surgeon, but his dedication and tenacity is something every surgeon should have...

     This drama brought back a lot of wonderful memories of med school and my years working in KK... Like Jun Wan, I had highlights on my hair in med school... which I had to re-dyed black before my Professional Exam... we didn't have a band or anything back in med school... but I did play the keyboard at church (very occasionally) during my Masters years... And I miss all the karaoke sessions with my girls when we were in KK... Looking back, I'm really amazed at how I managed to stay sane throughout my Anaes MO years... how I've managed to hold it in every time I treated critically ill patients... While watching the drama, I cried so much during those ICU/ OT moments...

     There was a female GS resident in the drama... Jang Gyeo-Ul... who was totally in love with Ahn Jeong Won... reminded me of a time when I had a crush on one of my lecturer... I found his crinkly-eyed smile so endearing... Fortunately, the crush was short-lived... I just couldn't stand a guy who talked like a Mak Cik Kiah and nagged worse than a woman... Anyway, I'm just so glad that in the end, Jeong Won realized that he was in love with Gyeo-Ul and decided to stay as a paediatric surgeon in the hospital (he initially planned to leave for seminary school to study to be a priest)...

        A friend mentioned that this drama is as realistic as it gets for a medical drama... And I do agree to a certain extent... However, I do feel there's a tad too much of office romance going on... Maybe it's just me... I've never dated anyone from work... I prefer to keep my personal and work life segregated... Or perhaps I'm such a loser that no one from work ever wanted to date... Oh well, worked out fine for me... I guess if you have such good looking Professors, the residents can't help crushing on them... I would definitely have a crush on Ahn Jeong Won and Kim Jun Wan... So there's Jang Gyeo-Ul crushing on Ahn Jeong Won... then there's Chu Min-ha crushing on Yang Seok-Hyeong and Ahn Chi Hong crushing on Chae Song Hwa... And eventually we found out that Lee Ik-Jun and Chae Song Hwa were crushing on each other since med school... I thought that was really sweet... That after 20 years, they eventually rediscovered the feelings they had for each other...

     There weren't many kissing scenes throughout the drama... I think there were only 2 or 3 kissing scenes... And I can't decide which one I loved better... There was that 2am kiss between Jun Wan and Ik Sun (Ik Jun's younger sister who is an army officer) in front of the hospital entrance... Jun Wan had just finished a surgery and was on the phone with Ik Sun while walking out of the hospital... And suddenly he saw a girl who looked like Ik Sun sitting opposite the road and started walking towards him... He thought he was hallucinating... And there was Ik Sun standing in front of him... And then he kissed her... That kiss was so sensual and romantic...

     Then there was the kiss between Jeong Won and Gyeo-Ul... She went to his office to confess her feelings for him... And also to ask him to stay... Although she knew it was not her place to do so... such courage... I thought Jeong Won was going to reject her confession... But then without a word, he just walked towards her and kissed her... YES!!!! I was so happy watching them kiss... It was like, there's still hope for a 40 year-old priest-wannabe to find romantic love in this world... I wish there will be Season 2 so that I can watch how their love blooms...

     I loved their band practice and the songs that they sang...So much feels... Listening to the OST while typing this post... I guess a part of me missed my hospital years... Coz I was serving the people... And even when I became a plastic surgeon, I really wanted to serve in the government hospital for as long as I could... But I guess life has a way of working out differently from what you've imagined... I can only say that I guess at this moment in time, I'm where I'm meant to be... And I really thank God for bringing me this far...

The Snow Queen

     So it seemed that I still haven't gotten Hyun Bin out of my system... Which was why I ended up watching The Snow Queen... This drama was probably a typical tragic melodramatic K-drama which I used to swore I would never watch back when I was in med school... Everyone was crazy about Autumn In My Heart back then and I refused to watch it... I still haven't watch it up till today... Anyway, life has a strange way of making you eat your own words...

     As expected, I cried buckets while watching this drama... I think Han Tae Woong is the most tragic male lead of all the K-dramas I've ever watched... A math genius who won the gold medal in the International Math Olympiad... But whose best friend killed himself because he didn't win the gold medal... And he spent 8 years of his life as a high school dropout who was a 3rd grade boxer because he felt that he was the reason his best friend killed himself... He couldn't live past his guilt and self-condemnation...

    And as if that wasn't tragic enough, he met the girl from 8 years ago who turned out to be his best friend's younger sister...  And of course they had to fall in love with each other and her father wouldn't approve of their relationship... Then just when they were finally together and he finally had a chance to be happy, the girl had to have malignant thymoma and died... I thought he was going to kill himself too... But thankfully he didn't...

      Thanks to this drama, I now have a new bucket list... I'm going to Lapland someday to meet the Snow Queen... I wonder if I'll be able to survive the cold and frostbite...  Han Tae Woong went to Lapland too...  After the death of his beloved...  Because she left him a message on her pager that she would be in Lapland by the time he heard her message... If I had such a tragic life, I really do wonder if I would still have the will and courage to continue living...

     But as Han Tae Woong told Kim Bo Ra when he saved her from killing herself, it is better to live... To live and suffer... To live and regret... And because of that, she lived life having loved someone, even though they didn't get to grow old together... I guess it's better to have lived and loved than never have loved at all...

Hyun Bin, Hyde, Jekyll, Me and My MCO Birthday

     It has been almost 3 years since my last post here... Life has a way of distracting you and uninspiring you to write... But I thought I'd write again today... Since it's my last birthday of my 30s... For the past 4 years I've made it a point to be on leave during my birthday... I wanted to be in a new place for every year of my birthday... Unfortunately thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic which brought about a Movement Control Order in my country, I'm celebrating my birthday this year at home... Still, I'm grateful that I'm still around to have a birthday...

     So thanks to the MCO, I've had plenty of time to indulge in K-dramas...And my latest Oppa crush is Hyun Bin... It's all Netflix's fault...Actually I first saw Hyun Bin in Memories of the Alhambra...I watched that drama because of Park Shin Hye (because she was such a kick-ass neurosurgeon in Doctors) and I loved Alhambra... It didn't send me into a Hyun Bin frenzy like how Angel's Eyes sent me into a Lee SangYoon frenzy... But then I had to go and watch Crash Landing On You recently (no thanks to peer pressure from ppl around me)...

     I'm telling you, that Captain Ri totally destroyed every girl/ woman's dream guy image... I mean, how can a man be even more perfect than your dream guy? And I just couldn't help crying for Hyun Bin with his lost and forlorn puppy-eyed look... It should be a crime for men to have such eyes... Anyway, I thought I was going to go cold turkey on Hyun Bin... But a friend recommended a more gradual step-down therapy... By watching Hyde, Jekyll, Me... Yeah, much good that did...

     I've always been intrigued by shows about Dissociative Identity Disorder... So I watched Hyde, Jekyll, Me... and dang it! I got even more hooked... I loved Goo Seo Jin... and I cried so much for him... I know, I know... But he's the Hyde (bad guy) and Robin is the Jekyll (good guy)... Unfortunately, I'm medically trained... And as far as Robin is concerned, he is a sign and symptom of an illness... Robin was created by Seo Jin to protect his psyche... Of course the girl had to fall for Robin... Coz it's so easy to fall for the good guy who protected her and made her laugh... 

     But I loved how Seo Jin was slowly transformed to be a better man by love... And he is actually a good person... because even his dissociative personality is a good person... And when Robin's personality fused into Seo Jin, I was so happy coz this is probably the dream outcome of a psychiatrist for his/ her DID patients... I loved this drama so much more than CLOY... Even though a friend told me this was Hyun Bin's lowest rated drama... As if I care about drama ratings... 

     So I actually watched Hyde, Jekyll, Me for the 2nd time over the Raya break... Yes, I've never watched any drama more than once... I loved this one that much... Although I already knew Yoon Tae Joo was Lee Soo Hyeon even from episode 1... But I just couldn't get enough of Seo Jin... and even though Ha Na insisted that she wasn't in love with Seo Jin, we (Seo Jin and I) both knew she was lying to herself... Coz the words which 'Robin' spoke which she couldn't forget were actually spoken by Seo Jin... And it was Seo Jin who was smiling at Ha Na at the radio station... the smile of a man who loved her...

     Anyway, I've been on a Hyun Bin frenzy...After Hyde, I watched Secret Garden... I hated Kim Joo Won all the way till episode 17 when he decided to exchange soul with Gil Ra Im to let her live... Only then could I feel how much he loved the girl... I also watched My Name Is Kim Sam Soon... totally made me hate all those chaebols... And their mothers... Then it was Worlds Within... also didn't like the character Hyun Bin played... Are all Korean men like that? Or are only Korean men in the entertainment industry like that? I even watched Ireland...where Hyun Bin played the 2nd male lead... I had mixed feelings about this character... He was a great guy... devoted husband and all... until his wife fell for a useless bum... But I guess I can understand why he became like that... I would have became like that too if my husband fell for another woman who's worse than I am...

     I started another Hyun Bin drama... Friend, Our Legend... apparently he gave a stellar performance in this drama... But I found out that he died in the drama in episode 2... Now I don't really feel like watching episode 3 and beyond... I've also watched a few of Hyun Bin movies... Late Autumn, The Negotiation, Confidential Assignment and A Millionaire's First Love... Seems like my Hyun Bin frenzy is worse than my Sang Yoon frenzy...

     Oh well, this phase too, shall pass... I guess I'm writing this to get it out of my system... I'm typing this while drinking lemongrass mojito and watching Hyun Bin drama OSTs... I actually missed a delivery from BF earlier coz I was charging my phone in the room... Awaiting eagerly for the re-delivery... Happy Birthday to me! May I live a life God has meant for me to live...

Angel Eyes

     I've completed yet another series of Kdrama...this one is called 'Angel Eyes'...a fairly old one which came out in 2014...at a time when I was neither into Kdrama nor had the time for such indulgence...still, one is never too late to watch a 'first love which was separated by tragic circumstances only to meet again to face more tragic circumstances' kind of drama...there's only one reason why I loved this drama...and it's Lee Sang Yoon, who played the adult Park Dong Joo (who's the male lead of the drama)...yes, I've finally found my Korean actor crush in Lee Sang Yoon...him with his smiling crinkly eyes...and creased forehead when he has his serious intense look on...I know, I'm weird that way...smiling crinkly eyes get to me...everytime...I had a crush on Hugh Grant for the longest time because he had smiling crinkly eyes...Oh, and Lee Sang Yoon has a degree in Physics...totally my kind of geek...smiling crinkly eyes and a degree in Physics...perfect combination...

     Otherwise, the drama was good enough to be a tear-jerker...although personally I felt there were too many plot-twists and subplots which I had figured out way before it was finally revealed...but still, a first love that never waned definitely appeals to many...including myself...made me wished my first love had lasted...that even after 12 years of separation, we had never forgotten how we felt about each other...but of course, everyone's love story has a different beginning and an ending...like how Park Dong Joo replied to Kang Ji Woon (Soo Wan's present boyfriend) when asked how long did his first love last...and Dong Joo answered, it hasn't ended...awww....

     I really love Lee Sang Yoon's character...from the beginning when he fell in love with Soo Wan who was blinded from a tragedy which claimed her mother's life...to helping her out from her depression and guilt...but then tragedy struck again when Dong Joo's mother passed away...Soo Wan received corneal transplant from Dong Joo's mother but Dong Joo had to go to US for his sister's treatment...so they were separated for 12 years without news of each other...thanks to Soo Wan's father's misguided intervention...

     When Dong Joo came back to find Soo Wan, he realized she didn't recognize him as she had never seen his face...and she already has a boyfriend who's a neurosurgeon in her father's hospital (who eventually is revealed as the person who hit-and-run Dong Joo's mother)...anyway, to cut the long story short, Soo Wan found out about Dong Joo and they decided to be together again...and then Dong Joo proposed to her at the observatory...I must say that was probably one of the most romantic proposal ever...but then as with all dramas, the ghosts and sins of the past always come to haunt the present...all the secrets that Soo Wan's father had been keeping was eventually revealed and caused chaos in their relationships...but as with all dramas, eventually love conquered all and they ended up getting together again....finally, after Dong Joo almost died getting run over by a car, Soo Wan got her senses back and decided to not keep hiding from Dong Joo...if I had a guy like Dong Joo loving me, I don't think I'll ever be like how Soo Wan was...I won't let him out of my sight...ever....

      Oh, did I mention Park Dong Joo is a cardiothoracic surgeon? What is it about Kdramas that the male leads who are in the medical profession are either neurosurgeons or cardiothoracic surgeons? And occasionally paediatric surgeons or hepatobiliary surgeons? Plastic surgeons too glamour for kdramas is it? Anyway, love most of the songs from the OST...although I wish when they sang in English they would have worked on their pronunciation...I still have problem figuring out the lyrics for the sound tracks which were in English...oh well, I'll just indulge myself in the songs anyway...and maybe I should put in that application for my fellowship in Korea soon...a girl can always dream yea?

Beautiful Mind

    Ok, I have to say I love this one even more than Blood...and I definitely love it more than Doctors...which is why I cannot in the life of me understand why they had to cut down the number of episodes for Beautiful Mind because its viewer ratings were lower than Doctors...I mean, both dramas had a main lead who's a neurosurgeon...and Beautiful Mind had more intense medical scenes, a psycho-thriller kind of genre and dealt with more ethical and medicolegal issues...how can that be less interesting and exciting than a love story between 2 neurosurgeons? And it's not like Beautiful Mind didn't have romantic scenes...I actually felt that the romantic scenes meant even more because of the disability which the male lead had...

    Anyway, I used to want to be a neurosurgeon...look how the mighty has fallen...but neurosurgeon or not, I wished I could be a doctor like Lee Young Oh (the male lead who developed antisocial personality disorder from being brought up as such by his adopted father who is also a neurosurgeon)...I know, I know...why would anyone want to be labelled a psychopath/ monster right? He may lack empathy and be unable to feel the pain and suffering of his patients, but he had such rational and logical thinking that he is able to diagnose diseases and conditions accurately...and because he feels no fear, he is able to perform surgeries with astounding accuracy and precision...I wish I can be such a good surgeon...

    His adopted father kept telling him that he's a monster and he is different from normal people when he was growing up..and that he had to learn how to pretend to be a normal person...but as far as I can tell, the only monster in their relationship is the father...and his colleagues and superiors at the hospital call him a psychopath, gossip about him and tried to terminate his service as a doctor because he was trying to expose a big cover up for malpractice involving a multi-million dollars stem cell research...all I see are monsters around him with greedy, selfish ambitions for power and fame...he tried so hard to be like a normal person...although he cannot feel emotions...but I think it was actually a good thing that his judgments were not swayed by emotions...so his morals are not tainted with feelings such as envy, jealousy, hatred, greed, selfishness, self-centredness and fear...how many times in my life have I wished I made decisions that were not influenced by my stupid emotions? I've lost count...

     So Lee Young Oh initially had a 'love interest' who is a neurologist...he even proposed to her and wanted to marry her...but she betrayed him in order to advance her own career...so I actually fail to understand why he is the monster who doesn't empathize with patients but she isn't a monster who betrayed her lover for her selfish ambitions ...just because she has 'feelings'? How absurd is that? Anyway, the main female lead wasn't the bitch who betrayed him (although I must say she was the pretty one)...the main female lead was actually a younger police officer who had valvular heart disease and was treated by a cardiothoracic surgeon whom she had a crush on initially...the actress isn't pretty and she didn't even fix her teeth like how all the other actresses did...but I digress...

      I actually loved how the romance between the psychopathic neurosurgeon and the obtuse idealistic police officer developed...there was a scene in the first episode where the neurosurgeon looked like he was trying to murder the police officer but in fact he was draining her pericardial effusion...yea, I know...only happens in drama...I think what I find enticing about their romance is how the male lead developed an affinity towards the female lead (read: fall in love) without him (and even her) realizing what's happening...but the ultimate proof of his oh-so-true-love was this (spoiler alert ahead): he donated one of his lung to the police officer as she was having pulmonary failure from pulmonary fibrosis...damn! I cried as hard as I did when Song Joong Ki 'died' in DOTS...maybe harder... but the best part is that to Lee Young Oh, it was just a mean to save a patient's life...only made me cry harder...I mean, how many humans with feelings will even think about donating an organ to a family member? what more a person unrelated to him/ her? If a guy were to do that for me, I don't care if he's a psychopath, I'll be with him...for good...I know, it doesn't make sense...real psychopaths don't do things like that...and lung transplant from live donor is illegal and will never happen in Korea (or Malaysia for that matter)...but that's why I love fiction...coz in fiction, everything and anything is a possibility...

     There are not many songs in the OST...and I only liked 'Dirt' by Bernard Park...it's a beautiful song for such a beautiful drama...and I think the ending for this drama is just perfectly beautiful...Lee Young Oh in his mental monologue said: I cannot feel your heart; I cannot even empathize with you, the only choice I can make is to love you.” But isn't that what we've been told all this while? That love isn't just about feelings? That love is about making the choice to stay with a person for better or worse and in sickness and health?

Blood

    I'm a sucker for vampire stories...so it's a given that I would love the kdrama 'Blood'...the male lead is a top hepatobiliary surgeon who happened to be a vampire...there's even a scientific basis for his condition...his parents were conducting some research on some virus named VBT-01 and they were both infected with the virus, which produces symptoms similar to vampirism...thirst for blood, light hypersensitivity (sunlight at dawn and strong UV light is lethal), superhuman strength, ability to grow fangs and claws, and ability to change the colour of iris...so the male lead was a pure-bred vampire as he was the offspring of a vampire couple (which according to the drama, is a mutation in itself)....combining the supernatural and science is so my cup of tea...

    Of course, this drama in its essence is a romance as well...watching a vampire slowly falling for a human is such a beautiful thing...to be honest, there weren't that many lovey-dovey scenes as they needed to put in the action and fighting scenes in a 20-episode drama...there were only about 5 scenes where the male and female lead were hugging each other...a few save the damsel in distress scenes and 1 kissing scene...oh, and one 'watching the sunrise while the male lead is dying' scene...and yes, i'm not embarrassed to admit i was bawling my heart out watching that scene...probably one of the most heart-wrenching scene I've watched for a long time...

    I love how the male lead who initially was this cold, unfeeling creature (at least on the outside) slowly and awkwardly became a warm-hearted human...there was a scene where the female lead was trying to imitate another couple playing the 'find me' game...which even I felt was pretty stupid and silly...so the female lead went into this flower bed and pretended to 'hide' and asked the male lead "where am I?"...and the male lead just answered "there"...the female lead reprimanded him for not playing along and he answered, "how can I not see a talking flower?"....cheesy I know...but still amazingly adorable... 

    So I found out that the male and female lead in that drama actually took their romance off-screen and are actually married in real life...that is pretty sweet in itself...i suppose the male lead was chosen because he did look good as a vampire...and i'm still wondering how they made him look even better in his 'dying moments'...coz initially i had some issues with his looks...i'm not sure if he had gone under the knife before but if he did, it looked like the surgeon didn't do too good a job...coz at some angles, his columella looked deviated...and his lips are slightly lopsided...but then again, who am I to comment anything...this guy is a model and actor...surely his looks are good enough to be this in-demand...

    It has become a habit to listen to the OST of the kdramas I've watched...and I must say I love the instrumental OST of Blood...the songs aren't too bad...but the instrumental ones really set the mood for the dark, mysterious scenes...and then there are those few sad and melancholic ones which I love the most...namely 'Vampire's Love', 'Love and Salvation' and 'Someone's Pain'...

W - Two Worlds

    I just finished watching another Kdrama "W - Two Worlds" last night...I must say this one hits eerily closest to home than all the dramas I've watched before...just a little background on the main female lead: 30 year-old cardiothoracic resident who created her dream guy in the form of the main male lead (the main character of the famous webtoon "W" drawn by her father)...ok, I can't draw to save my own life...but if I could, I would have drawn and created my own dream guy...of course nothing is stopping me from creating my own dream guy in my imaginary world and imagine how our day-to-day sweet romance would play out...but I'm digressing....

    Anyway, I loved this Kdrama...it's a fiction fantasy, sci-fi, psycho-thriller, mystery, drama and romance all snowballed into one...my mind is still reeling from all the suspense and plot-twists...it gets a little messy at times...and confusing too...what with all the movements between the real and cartoon worlds...not to mention that I don't understand Korean and the English subtitles sometimes don't exactly convey the actual meaning of the lines in Korean...still, I loved how this drama gives you the idea that perhaps in every created worlds (even cartoon worlds), the characters in the worlds are really alive and sometimes develop their own will and desire....

    I think another concept that many would find attractive is that 2 people from 2 different worlds can meet and eventually fall in love with each other...actually that's pretty cliche...but i think in this drama it's more like the girl created her dream guy who lives in a parallel world but eventually ended up saving his life and brought him to (real) life...now who doesn't love the idea of a dream guy turning into reality? Doesn't matter if he has no identity or money in the real world...

    Although initially I didn't think the main actor of the drama is good-looking, he actually fits his character well...he does look like as if he came out of a comic book...he's tall, fair with a cute boyish charm that befits a main character of a webtoon...the main actress is quite pretty...but I do wonder why they always make the female lead awkward and easily flustered...especially when in front of the male lead...and somehow, although the male lead doesn't think the female lead is beautiful, he finds her charming in her own ways and falls in love with her...does this even happen in real life?

    In the drama, there are a lot of variables in the cartoon and real world which changes the dynamics and course of the cartoon world...and because the female lead (from the real world) went into the cartoon world and became the female lead in the cartoon world, the original female lead in the cartoon world started to disappear because she has lost her purpose of existence in the cartoon world...which got me to think, sometimes in life, your happy ending might have been someone else's sad ending...and I wonder if maybe that's why I think I don't deserve a happy ending...because my happiness is at the cost of another person's sadness and suffering...

    Anyway, there are some nice songs in the OST of this drama...and the songs are very suitably written for the drama...i don't usually like songs with rap, but "In the Illusion" feels like the perfect song for this drama...a friend asked if he should watch this drama, so I told him that if he liked the idea of cartoon characters coming to life and real people going into the cartoon world, then watch it!

My Kdrama binge: Of mermaid and time traveller...

    So it has been a little more than one year since my last post...I guess my life in Malacca had been so uneventful that I hardly felt the urge to type out a post...true to my INFJ self, I'm turning into a hermit who drama binges...previously it used to be Taiwanese drama series but I must have been bitten by a Korean bug recently...so I'm binging on Kdramas: Doctors, Descendants of the Sun, Strong Woman Do Bong Soon, Romantic Doctor (Teacher Kim), Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, The Legend of the Blue Sea and Tomorrow With You...

    And the poison is working its way into this jaded myocardial tissues...so I need to purge them out by typing them in a blog post...I didn't want to watch the Legend of the Blue Sea initially because it revolves around reincarnation of a man and his mermaid lover...I thought it might be boring...but after the first 2 episodes, I was hooked...must have been Lee Min Ho's too-beautiful-eyes-for-a-man gaze that did me in...and I did love the idea of a love that transcends time and death...that 2 people who loved each other will still be destined to love each other in their reincarnated lives...except that I can't believe in reincarnation...anyway, with love like that, it's only nice and wonderful if you're the leading man and lady who are in love with each other...if you were the other guy who was in love with the leading lady or the other girl who was in love with the leading man, imagine being reincarnated and still suffered from unrequited love...yea, life's just unfair that way I guess... 

    I was very intrigued with Tomorrow With You because it was about this guy who's a time traveller...I'm a sucker for time travelling stories...it all started with Back to the Future (I think that was the first movie that got me so fascinated about time travelling)...then there were Star Trek, The Butterfly Effect, Jumper, The Time Traveller's Wife and Midnight in Paris...anyway, what I loved about Tomorrow With You is how two people who were never destined to be together in their lifetime somehow got their lives intertwined with each other because someone meddled with their lives in the future...the guy and girl escaped death from a subway accident 7 years prior...guy lost his parents in the said accident and somehow developed the ability to time travel (only to the future) when he rides the subway which passes the accident site...he met another time traveller who guided him in the ways of time travelling...present time was set in 2016 and somehow the guy could not travel pass 2019...he eventually finds out that he died in March 2019 and there was a girl who died at the same time he died...so after being advised by his time travelling mentor, he decided to meet the girl and try to change their future...

    So as how most dramas start out, guy and girl didn't like each other in the beginning...but the guy decided to marry the girl within 3 months of their meeting because of the things he saw in the future...i loved how their love developed in their marriage...how being able to see what happened in the future made the guy want to love and protect the girl even more...and made him treat her even better than he would have...I loved how despite the guy's self-centredness and selfish motives and the girl's inferiority complex and feelings of inadequacy, they fought through their differences and cherished the moments they had in the present...I loved how both of them tried to become better persons for the other person...I loved how when the guy disappeared into the future and the girl continued to wait for him to return...

    But somehow, it seemed like no matter how hard the guy tried to change the future, it didn't seem to work...and for some time, his present self was stuck in a future that was past his date of death...which meant he didn't die on the day he was supposed to have died...but the girl did...so he tried really hard to get back into the present time before their death date and succeeded...eventually he managed to save them from dying but it wasn't without a sacrifice...I suppose time travelling is a fascinating but scary thing...it's like the more you try to change the past/ future, the worse things might end up...but I do wonder how it might be like to be a time traveller's wife...or even to be a time traveller...the burden of knowing what will happen in the future and yet not able to change it...

    I guess we all have things in the past we wished we had done or hadn't done...and we all have wished we could go back in time to do/undo the things we regretted on...and if I could go back in time, there's really one thing I would have wanted to do that perhaps would have changed the present in a much better way...but of course that's not possible...and I've always been a worrier of tomorrow...it would be nice to be able to see what the future holds for me...

告別

人生理有遇見而終有一天就會告別。。。原因只有心理知道。。。爱一個人，從來就不想說再見。。。可是有時候， 情況難免。。。可能是因為他從來都沒愛過妳。。。也許過了太久， 他對妳的愛已經冷淡了。。。爱者一个不爱妳的人是很难受。。。何必受苦呢？ 所以選擇放開手。。。放開他。。。而放開自己。。。自己一個人受苦比為了一個人受苦好。。。很想跟他說其实不要離開的。。。還是好想念。。。但沒有妳的生活，他還過得很好。。

善意的朋友劝妳，他不适合妳。。。他在利用妳。。。妳值得更好。。。但妳很想相信他有愛過妳的。。。他還愛者妳的。。。只是他不能給妳所要的快樂， 所以假裝冷淡。。。不过现实很残酷。。。妳不必騙自己。。。只能默默的祝福他。。。還是要幸福。。。而妳慢慢也會痊癒。。。希望未來的對象會有幸福的結局。。。

An un-fairytale-like life...

     You know how in movies, a man and a woman always meet by chance/ serendipity/ fate/ etc? And their characters are usually worlds apart but somehow it was like they've found their soul mate in each other and despite all the craziness and ups and downs, they still ended up together...although we don't ever get to see what happens during "happily ever after"...and so growing up, you, the ever hopeless romantic, wished and prayed that that's how your love life would play out in real life...but real life has a way of thwarting your plans and wishes...so broken relationships after broken relationships, you grew more jaded and disillusioned...and along the way, you've been told that falling in love is easy and staying in love is hard work...and that falling in love is an involuntary high that would eventually wear off while choosing to love in spite of someone's flaws is the kind of love that would last...
      
     So one day, you decided to not let your heart rule your head anymore and choose to love someone who claimed to love you...someone who have loved you for a long long time...for a while, you seemed to be able to fool your heart and head into believing that this was the right thing to do...but you ended up stuck in a relationship that made you miserable and angry all the time...he didn't just murder the hopeless romantic in you, he buried it so deep that you'd probably never be able to exhume whatever residue was left...and finally after months of contemplation, you decided you wanted out...you've been reduced to a shadow of your former self and you didn't think you could live like that for the rest of your life...

     Somewhere along your unhappy relationship, you had a chance meeting with a man under the strangest circumstance...somehow, he left a mark, somewhere in your subconscious mind i suppose...but you didn't think much of it coz after all, yours is a real life yea? And so you trudged along in your real mundane life...and just when you think your life couldn't get any worse, it did...but you're no quitter...so you bulldozed on...and then you asked God why? it's not like you were gonna meet someone new where you were...and then, just like an answer to a prayer you didn't really mean to pray, you had a 2nd chance meeting with that man, again under the most unlikely circumstance (sometimes I wonder at God's sense of humour and irony)...and then he disappeared from your life again...so you moved on...thinking chance meeting are better left as just that...after all, your life was a big furry ball of mess anyway...

     And just when your life seemed to be climbing back up from shithole to mundane, the man contacted you...and something started...although you knew he was the kind of man your mom would specifically forbid you to date...and you knew he was not right for you...even your friends warned you...but you told yourself, nay, we're not dating...we're just friends...and your self-esteem was so damaged from your recent relationship that you didn't even think he was in any way remotely interested in you...but it turned out that he was interested in you...and at the beginning, he was so into you...there was a stupid saying that went something like this: marry the person who is willing to drive 5 hours just to see you for 1 hour...and he was doing something like that...and you were so touched by his thoughtfulness...in the beginning your head told you to run for your life...don't get involved with him...and you did try to tell him that you guys shouldn't be starting something that has no future...but somehow he was so persistent...and you fell hook, line and sinker...

     But as this is real life, all good things will come to an end...few months down the road, he seemed distracted...you were no longer his priority...and you wondered if you were ever his priority...while in the beginning, there were daily good mornings and good nights (to show that you were the first thing on his mind when he wakes up and the last thing on his mind when he goes to sleep), now he would go on for days without sending you messages...he doesn't make the time to drive the distance to see you like how he used to...and when you're back in town, he doesn't pick you up to go out anymore...you asked him if he was getting bored of you, but as with most men who were, he said you were thinking too much...he said he was busy with a lot of things... which only convinced you further that he was not so into you anymore...

     Friends told you it's time to move on...but since you're no quitter, you gave him the benefit of doubt...but things only seem to drift further apart for both of you...you were unhappy...you thought, no woman likes to be a back-burner/ time-filler/ non-priority in a man's life...especially a man who was priority to her...and you told him how you felt, and he told you all this was not important...and during your last meeting, when both of you were hanging out with his friends, he danced with the 2 other women in the group, but never once did he ask you to dance...and you wondered, was he trying to stir up jealousy in me? or was that his not-so-subtle hint that he'd rather be dancing with other women than me? anyhow, you were finally convinced that it was time to move on...on your own...for your own sanity's sake and future... sometimes, you just have to be a selfish bitch who puts herself as priority in her own life...and yet, you feel guilty for wanting to end this non-relationship thinking you don't want to hurt his feelings, when he probably won't even miss you when you're gone... and you thought this was probably the ultimate goodbye speech and wondered if you should try it on him...

     So it's time to move on in your un-fairytale-like life...you tell yourself, it's better to be miserable out of your own choice than be miserable due to someone else...and you'd rather be alone and happy/ miserable than have someone but still feel miserable...and at this point in life, while most of your friends are living with their happily ever after which revolves around cute little kids, surely you've learned enough lessons in love and in life...here're a few on top of my head:
  1. Not everyone whom you meet by chance/ fate/ serendipity will be the one for you...
  2. Sometimes you meet the right guy whom you're crazy about, but at the wrong time and place...and somehow things just don't work out for you...
  3. Sometimes in a relationship, love really just ain't enough...
  4. You know how we are told to always look for the best in others, they didn't tell you that most times you will still get disappointed by others despite their best intentions...
  5. Stop being gullible and don't let ppl take advantage of your kindness
  6. Everyone will fail you...only God won't...and you're His utmost priority...     
     
     Well, since you're suffering the curse of singlehood (which is probably to wander restlessly alone in the world), it's time to brush up your poor rusty French to prepare for your Paris and Southern France trip...a whiff of the cool Mediterranean breeze will always do good to your soul...

New place, new beginning...

     So it's been almost 2 months since I relocated to Malacca from KB...started my gazettement in Hospital Malacca just after the New Year...which seemed like a great start to a new year...close one chapter and start a new chapter...and the story continues...I suppose this is a good place to start afresh...in a city where I'm a stranger to...where nobody knows me and my past...where everything is new and full of exciting possibilities...

     Work life has been great so far...although not without drama that makes Grey's Anatomy dull in comparison...ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit...but drama is drama...don't get me wrong...my boss is great...and she's very supportive and helpful and teaches me a lot while giving me lots of room to learn on my own...and my MOs are great...so are most of the staffs...it's just the situations that occur during our day to day work that are dramatic...in a way, it is more preferable than office politics and human drama...

     So now that I've got the career that I've always wanted...it should be time for wedding bells and kids right? hmmm, but I think I have the bad habit of sabotaging my own love life... in as much as I want to start a family, I think deep down in my subconscious mind, I'm a commitment-phobe...so I kept dating men who are wrong for me...even when I know that from the start...even when close friends tell me what I already know...I still jump into it with eyes wide open...or was it blind faith? maybe so that few years or months down the road, I can use the "we're wrong for each other" reason to get me out of it before things get too far? and maybe deep inside, I'm a boyfriend-stealing bitch...since I've managed to get myself involved with men who were already in a relationship with another woman...although not in a thousand lives could I imagine how I could have managed to do that... I'm not proud of that...it makes me mad at myself...and mad at those two-timing bastards...but who am I to throw any stone huh?

     So they say that I should not let my past define my future...or something like that...and my past mistakes does not mean the end of my world and I should take them as lessons learnt...or something to that effect...and an idea came to me one of those sleepless nights... that I should celebrate my birthday in a new city/ country every year from now on...and so, I shall be keeping myself busy planning for my birthday trip this May...and perchance, a miracle happens and I do meet a man whom I will be crazy enough about to want to marry and vice versa...and an even bigger miracle of that happening before all my ova expires...who says I can't still be celebrating my birthday in a new city/country each year? I'll have someone to share half the cost of travelling...how wonderful is that huh?