Down....

Today started out fine....Elaine called during lunch and we planned to go for karaoke session after i finish work...today we had OT from 2-8pm....so i'd be only free after 8pm...but i was quite geared up for our 'tuition' session since it has been very long since we had one....

So i was in OT till about almost 6pm...i told boss i'd go do round....when i went to the ward, the HO told me there was an elective admission...the patient was one of the few patients that i was supposed to call to cancel her op on Monday...coz we have to put in the cancer patients since their cases are more urgent...her op was laparoscopic cholecystectomy for cholelithiasis...and she had been asymptomatic for the last 6 months...

Anyway, her op had been cancelled 3 times before...once was becoz she didn't stop her aspirin a week prior to the op date...of course this was probably the fault on our side for failing to inform her to do so...but i did try to call this patient for the last few days to inform her not to get admitted....however, the phone number written in the major OT book was not in service...and i didn't manage to check her old notes for other contact numbers that i may call...ok, that was my fault lah... but she didn't have to scold me like as if i was the one who decided to cancel her op...i tried explaining and apologizing to her but she just kept raising her voice and scolding me...so i told her i'll ask my boss to talk to her when he has finish his op....

I brought boss to see her after we finished seeing some patients who needed new interventions... she didn't even dare to raise her voice a bit...although still can see that she was pissed lah...stupid woman...just coz i'm a lady...and happen to look young...then she thinks she can bully and scold me...but she didn't dare to scold boss coz he's a guy...boss was saying that i looked too small, that's why kena bully...one of the disadvantages of looking young and being short...urgh!!! Chinese people can be such bitches sometimes...

I totally lost my mood for karaoke already....was just about to call Elaine when she called...she said she was out for dinner with Flora and Agnes...and Agnes' car window got smashed...and Flora's backpack was stolen from the car...talk about having bad days...how can everyone around me is having a bad day as well? i supposed compared to Flora and Agnes, mine wasn't too bad already...so i guess i shouldn't complain too much...so i just told Elaine that we just cancel our plan...and i came home and had dinner alone...at times like this, i really wished i had someone to complain to...oh well, at least i have this blog as my outlet...

It's quite frustrating that we have to cancel our cases as now our OT time has been lessen due to the lack of OTs thanks to the rut we're in...i supposed i understand the patient's anger and indignity...if i were in her shoes i'd be damn pissed off as well...but it's not like i was being rude to her...all the while when she was scolding me, i never once raised my voice back at her...if it was other people, sure they don't give her face and scold back de...

Sigh...and there's another Chinese patient that i couldn't contact for Wednesday op..also need to cancel him...die lah...sure kena marah again...why do i always have to be the one who gets scolded? life sucks....:(

Moving on...

We're into the 3rd month of the year....time sure flies...and people continue moving on...whether i am or not...i think at this moment in life, i'm just drifting along the tides of time...slowly ebbing away...

Here's a proof of how people around me (or used to be around me) are moving on...my ex-boyfriend of 5 years whom i broke up with a little more than 2 years ago is currently dating someone else...i mentioned it to Cam and she said "Oh, so fast found someone new"...exactly my sentiment...and ex-bf used to remind me more often than not that "he loves me more than i love him"...so much for that...

Though Cam also reminded me that i was also 'dating' someone recently...but i told her that was not counted...it was a 'relationship-suicide' move from the beginning anyway...and we didn't even live in the same country while we were supposedly 'dating'...but the bottomline is that while my ex-bf is happily dating someone new, i am not...though i am not being miserably single...

It's not like the news of my ex-bf dating someone new affects me emotionally...i'm glad that he actually found someone new that would make him happy...kind of lessen my guilt-burden for breaking up with him 2 years ago...but i can't help wondering, what about me? when will i meet the guy whom i'll want to spend the rest of my life with? the one who completes me? my soulmate? my one and only?

As much as i like being single, i know that i don't have the emotional (perhaps the genetic) make-up to be single indeterminately...i need to have someone i want...who wants me too...i need to have someone to love...who will love me back...may God reveal to me the elusive soulmate whom i've been waiting for all my life...who've been waiting for me all his life too...

Right, i should just go to sleep now and dream...my sleep has been dreamless lately...good night...

Full moon...you saw me standing alone...

So i was out for dinner with Becky, Flora and Connie at Upperstar earlier...we had a good time chatting and catching up...after dinner i came home and decided to take a stroll to fulfill a promise to myself to go moon-gazing...i can't remember the last time i took a night stroll by myself...i kinda miss that...

There's a song that goes..."blue moon..you saw me standing alone...without the love of my own...lalala" don't remember the rest of the lyrics...quite the song for me tonight...except that the moon is full instead of blue...i walked to the end of the road opposite Eden Heights and watched the moon... and also the quite spectacular display of fireworks...noisy as it was...it was pretty romantic...even if i was watching it by myself...i was also humming along 月亮代表我的心 thinking how nice it would be if Khalil were there to sing the song for me...hahahaha...dream on...

Well, it was a good walk...was actually quite worried that the fireworks will go on and on into the night...thus preventing me from getting a good night's sleep...but it's quite quiet now...except for the occasional blast...and i took my piriton...and feeling a little drowsy...well, if i may dare to hope, perhaps there'll be a time when i don't have to watch the full moon alone...oh well, i'm on call again tomorrow...happy chap goh mei again people...

Happy Chap Goh Mei...

So today is Chap Goh Mei...also known as Chinese Valentine's Day...it's a Sunday...and i'm post call..i supposed i had a fairly good call...though i guess i just had to get some bleeding cases...and yes, naughty me...i slept in instead of going to church...Pang said something the other day...he said, "I believe in Christ, it's the Christians i don't trust"....i can't help but agree to that sentiment...coz lately i've met enough Christians who have finally made me understand why my parents despised the fact that i became one....i shall not elaborate on this lest i may be accused of being judgmental...that's between them and God...i, myself am definitely among the unworthy ones....

Anyway, i was out for lunch with Elaine...had jap food...then we went to the wedding studio "All About Love" to check out their wedding packages and book a date for her pre-wedding shoot...i must say that the photos are really good...but the wedding gowns selection was a bit limited...no worries...the girl said more new ones will be coming by end of April...Elaine and Siang Lin are planning to have one of their photo shoot at Kudat...at the tip of Borneo...and i'll be tagging along...hehe...so menyibuk...

On another note, i've finally booked my tickets to New Zealand...WOOHOO!!! Thank You, Lord!! After all the hurdles and obstacles, it's finally done!!! Cam, we're going to New Zealand this August!!! must start checking out where to go...we'll be there for about 10 days...should be enough to cover both islands...but MAS website is pretty discriminative...i had problem booking my flights when i used the status Dr...but i had no problem booking my flights using Ms...it's like the stupidest thing i've ever encountered...really Malaysia Boleh...bloody discriminative idiots!!!

We're celebrating Becky's birthday tonight...single girls night out...hehe...not planning to be out late though...tomorrow on call again...but must at least have a session of moon-gazing tonight...looking at full moon especially on Chap Goh Mei is a thing too romantic to be missed...anyway, Happy Chap Goh Mei...and to all single girls, have fun throwing mandarin oranges into the river...hahahaha...(yours truly will be sleeping early)....

Gauze, NZ, Dim Sum and Beach....damn random or what?

There was an interesting case we saw in clinic yesterday...the HO came in with a fistulogram film and asked boss what he thought was the radiopaque strands on the film...i saw it and asked boss, what is a gauze doing in the patient's abdomen and boss looked a little stunned...anyway he went to look for big boss and some discussion went on....i was called to OT for a toilet mastectomy so i left the clinic and went back to SMC...yea, no surprise that i was on call again last night...

Fast forward a few hours later, i saw the patient in the ward...looked through her old notes and saw that i was one of the GA MO who gave her gas for one of her op...anyway, she was planned for exploration and removal of foreign body...fast forward a few hours later, she was called to OT...unfortunately her BP was a bit too high for the liking of Karen...so the case was postponed...fast forward to this morning, the on call team today went in for op and took out the gauze...i was right about the gauze then...but pity the patient that she had to go through the last few months with fistula caused by the retained gauze...and that she had to undergo another round of GA to remove it...

Anyway, Cam and i were discussing about a trip to New Zealand this August yesterday night... and we've decided on the dates and all...and she booked her tickets online....i planned to book mine today when i got back from the hospital....unfortunately from 1pm till about 3pm i was trying to book my tickets...without success...it just won't let me go to the payment page...despite my trying different internet browsers and all...even as i'm typing now, i'm still trying to book my tickets...no luck so far... what the hell is wrong with the MAS website? i don't care, i'm going to New Zealand whether or not this is a sign that maybe i shouldn't go...

After round this morning, Shirley called me to go for dim sum...i got to know her through her mom... who had quite a long stay in ICU last year...anyway, her mom is back in the hospital...so we went for breakfast and had a good chat...and we ended up talking about guys coz she was thinking of introducing some of her or her husband's guy friends to me...

So anyway, i told her about my ex of 5 years...and about how he really was a great guy and all...but i let him go becoz somehow i no longer felt the love i had for him...and she told me about her first ex...whom she dated for 8 years...she said theirs was a passionate love affair and all...and she actually defied her parents and left everything in Malaysia to go to be with him in London...but in the end she was deeply hurt...coz the guy was having an affair with his colleague...so she came back to Malaysia and had to start all over again...she said her ex woke her up to reality...and she decided that she'd rather have a stable relationship than a passionate love affair...so when she met her husband, she knew he was the stable family man who would give her the kind of life she thought was better for her...she said that being in a passionate love affair is very emotionally draining and tiring...

She said that maybe i prefer 'bad boys' than 'good boys'...so she suggested that i should try dating 'bad boys' so that i can appreciate the better qualities of 'good boys'....i told her that i've dated 'bad boys' before back in high school and even in uni....and i agreed that it was emotionally draining....what i didn't tell her though, was that recently i did the same again....and ended up hurt as well...Shirley said that maybe i wasn't hurt deep enough, that's why i never learnt...but i supposed different people allow themselves to suffer different depth of hurt...and i guess i always shield my heart from feeling the real extent of the hurt i'm supposed to be feeling coz it's just too painful and i can't bear it...

After i gave up on booking the tics, i slept for like 15 mins and Pang called...he said it was time to send him and Sharon to the airport...i was like, it's only 315pm, your flight is at 5pm, i'll come by 345pm to pick you guys up....i tried sleeping for a while some more...about 15 mins later Pang called again...Sharon was afraid they'd be late for check-in...so i dragged myself out of bed and went to pick them up...got them there before 4pm...was on the way to buy a cake for Becky since cell meeting tonight we're celebrating her birthday...

Pang called while i was driving and said that their flight was actually rescheduled to 7pm...i was like, what? so i went to pick them up and we went for a drink at Tg Aru First Beach....at that Mediterranean Bar and Restaurant...boy, i missed watching the beach...it was a good thing i guess...but it was a bit too warm...and we couldn't sit till the sun set...but it was still good to be able to catch up with Pang and Sharon....

I was telling them about Pei's STPM results...we all agreed that perhaps her results would have saved her from going through the misery that we call life...or more like the lack of it...all of us have been so busy that we've hardly seen our friends as often as we would like to...not to say that i regret the path i chose...but perhaps it's just human to think that there must be more to life than just my work...i supposed you need a certain degree of masochism to fit into such profession....

Anyhow, i'm so dreading going through cell tonight...i'm just not in the mood for cell...i just can't run coz we're having it at my place...urgh!!! Lord, help me....sigh...it's time to go...

Am i going to get bleeding calls like...always?

So i was on call again yesterday...Queen call...and my phone was ringing the whole day as expected..good thing most referrals are for clinic appointments only....but about 5pm, casualty called and referred a UGIB...83 year-old uncle...so i went to see the patient...turned out i actually knew this uncle...my last call in Queen before the CNY break, this uncle insisted on AOR...he was under urology...anyway, boss asked to stabilize him and bring him up to scope room for urgent OGDS since he was still up there...

Took us 1 hour to finally got him up to scope room...again, don't ask me why it took so long...anyway, boss scoped the uncle...huge Forrest IIc ulcer at incisura and huge Forrest III ulcer at D1...but unable to pass through to D2...since no active bleeding so we admitted him to ward for observation and transfusion....then there were a few patients from district...and from the other wards...so after boss went to Likas for some referrals, he came back to Queen for on call rounds and we saw the referrals... i was in the hospital till 11pm...sans dinner...

Went home to bathe...ate maggi and choc cookies for dinner/supper...just when i was about to fall asleep, Pang called regarding one patient's SPC (or the lack of it)...but God bless Pang for settling it for me...so i slept for a while....but about 4am, the phone calls start coming again...2 appendices...and a bleeding AVF...i was like...right...i couldn't help feeling that perhaps i was meant to lead a life of difficulty and suffering...like...always...i supposed 1 great call is about all i'll ever get lah...

So i went to see the bleeding AVF patient...1st time i've ever seen one actually...ever seen a burst pipe with the water spurting out in high pressure? that's pretty much how a bleeding AVF is...so i called boss to ask him what to do...and he said to suture up the skin to cover the defect...i was like..ok...so i went on with my impossible task...the patient taught me where to apply the tourniquet so i could temporarily stop the bleeding while i suture up the defect...took me a few tries coz the skin was very fragile...and nylon is damn slippery...but finally after putting 2 figure of 8 sutures, i managed to stop the bleeding...wow!!! amazing....it worked...at least i didn't have to call boss to come and settle the mess...thank God...

On a side note, i've started my yoghurt and cereal diet regime...i'm sick of having to think og where to go for dinner...and since cooking is too much a hassle...this should be ideal for me...especially since i hardly have the time or energy to workout...hopefully i can maintain this for the next few months...we'll see if there's any difference after this...

Great call last night...

I have to say that i had a great call last night...i only went into OT once for one case throughout the day...well, it was a chemoport insertion and we had a difficult time cannulating the subclavian vein... even the internal jugular vein we had to puncture a few times before we got it in...and so the patient ended up having pneumothorax...but he was so stable throughout the night...and there were only few admissions...there was a neuro scare though...one of the post op neuro patient was complaining of facial and periphery numbness...the HO noticed that her calcium level was very low...1.52....i was like, and they just let it go all this while? so we gave her IV calcium gluconate and T. calcium lactate stat...her ECG had the classic prolonged QT interval...i was so worried she was gonna go into some arrhythmia...but thankfully she didn't...

The last admission came in about 2am...one of our old patients...who refused BKA even though we told him his leg was dead...he actually discharged AOR...he only came back last night coz he couldn't stand the pain of a dead limb...quite pissed so i just told the HO to start him on antibiotics... didn't go up to see him...but then i think i felt bad about it so i couldn't sleep well the rest of the night...so in the end, although i had a great call, i still didn't have a great sleep...crap!!!

Anyway, i was out for dinner with Connie and Becky at Upperstar Lintas just now...it was good time to catch up...since we haven't got together for quite some time...so i told them about 'my Adelaide Affair' (i thought this would make a good title for my book, if i ever got around writing it, hehe) which they had been dying to hear about...and Connie said it was like a romantic drama comedy....well, actually the whole story was damn funny lah...if you're not the one being spurned...but even i can still laugh at the absurdity of it all...

By the way, i just finished reading "Agnes Grey" by Anne Bronte...while i was back in KL i noticed a few classics stashed away in one of the glass cupboard...i was asking Pei who bought those...coz i didn't remember buying and reading them...but Pei said the books have been there for a while and she didn't buy them...hmmm..strange...but good for me coz i took one of it and read...though reading old English can be quite a challenge...don't really understand some of the sentences but i supposed i got the gist of the book...

Agnes Grey is a story about a young girl who set out to be a governess but who met with the harsh reality of the worlds of rich, spoilt brats and their unreasonable parents...she met a nice 'curate of a parish' (whatever that means) when she became the governess of 2 young ladies....and her accounts of how she fell in love with him and how she never told anyone close to her about it really reminds me of how i used to be...i supposed i'm still like that in a way...if i really like someone, i usually keep it a secret...won't dare to tell a soul...won't even dare to show any hint to the guy that i like him...except that these days, i can't seem to find a guy that i might like...well, Agnes Grey thought that she might lead a life of spinsterhood and die alone but she ended up marrying the guy she was in love with...perhaps i too may dare to dream that that could happen to me...